Posted , 8 users are following.
Hi, this is the first time I have ever written something like this, ever told anyone any of these feelings. Although the internet isn't the best way to get help, I felt a reliable place like this, where I still remain anonymous, would be a decent starting point. Please excuse any use of slang, or misuse of grammar, I am only a teenager!
I'm 15, male, and have had a very fortunate upbringing with a loving family and great resources and options, but recently have started questioning, what is it for?
All I hear every day of my life is that 'I should treasure my youth, the best days of my life,' and other things very similar to that, but ultimately life as it is at the moment is pretty dull and worthless. School lasts from when I get up, until I get home at 6pm, where I then have to do all my homework, not sparing time for anything fun, besides playing on games or watching TV for 30-60m. Saturdays are wasted at sport fixtures with school, and Sundays I have to get up early for church, so I spend the whole afternoon in bed recovering from the week.
And then there is the social aspect of it all. At school although I am performing highly with expected all A* at GCSE, I am not considered as a nerd or geek, as I am also pretty good at sport, being in the B team for my 2 main sports, one of which has 5 teams, the other 4. But ultimately I have a problem with being angry, and whenever I joke around, it is usually aimed at another person without me realising. Although I am usually polite, and a few people see me as being very kind (due to the fact that I don't bitch about people behind their backs), I find it really hard to make new friends, as I am not very outgoing. I much prefer spending time on my own than going to friends' houses, and although my crude, targeting humour is enjoyed and treated as banter by my long term friends, all new people just think I am not a nice person.
This was sort of when I started questioning, who actually likes me? More and more of my friends are getting girlfriends, and spend their time discussing stuff like that, but I am not among them. The reasons I don't have one, in my opinion, are just because of my personality and appearance. My larger stature that once made me popular due to my atheleticism, is now hidden by my ugly face, which looks terrible enough already without the addition of the spots, and my targetting humour is now not appreciated, and just annoying, but it is me, something that I can't change without no being myself. My social reclusiveness has slowly increased recently as a result. I shunned social media to begin with, and now I never ask friends to come round to my house, and often am hesistant to accept their offers. Life itself has become pretty boring, but I have never turned to anything bad due to my upbringing, which has sort of turned me into a goody-two-shoes of sorts, which has further alienated me from others.
But, despite being sporty, I don't enjoy sports, and despite being clever, I don't enjoy working. This leads me to the question: 'What will having a job be like?' People always say in school that you should do what you enjoy in your future career, otherwise you will hate your job, but what if there isn't anything that you enjoy? Are you automatically going to hate your job? And if your job is most of your life when you don't have many friends or a partner, are you automatically going to hate life? Is there any point is going on? If life is like most things, surely the best option would be to quit whilst you are ahead?
Then I started thinking about suicide. When I say that, I do not mean I thought about doing it, I just thought how much would have to go wrong for it to be something I would do. This led me to my last question, and one which constantly gnaws at me. Who would actually, properly care, if I were to kill myself? After first asking myself this question I cried after first realising (and tears come to my eyes every time) that the list is only 2 or 3 people. My brother used to be my best friend, my role model, but has slowly drifted over the past few years due to A-levels, and his jobs and trips in his gap year. Now, with him going off to university in late September, I feel like I have already said goodbye to him, and he has to me. He is the maybe. Then there are my parents. My dad has been another role model to me, someone who still jokes around with me, and likes me for who I really am, likewise my mum, who has always been there for me is another key person who loves me. I feel like it would break her heart to see me go, and that instantly makes suicide seem like a selfish option. Lastly, I want to add God. Atheists may or may not understand this one, but I feel like I am letting him down. He gives me skills and abilities, and I just act all socially awkward, and I feel I wasted what could have been an amazing opportunity for most. I feel my christian faith has been the main thing that has stopped me from self harming. The other thing that has stopped me from self harming is the fear my mother will find out, which would make her either hate me or hate herself.
I feel if my mum wasn't still with me for whatever reason, I would be up in heaven with her right now, having jumped in front of a lorry or whatever the best way to go is.
I am writing this to ask whether or not this is normal. Do people often go through times of questioning at this age? Do people often doubt themselves? Am I just being wimpy with these opinions, and should just man up like everyone says you should? And whatever the diagnosis is, how can I turn my life around so I can enjoy it again at least once before it ends?
1 like, 8 replies