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First of all - I just want to say, I didnt take to posting to this site lightly. I have spent a long time wondering if I was just a moody so and so or whether there was more to it. It may turn out I am just moody but its been going on too long to leave it and I just feel like going to the doctors would be a waste of their time.
So, my story. I regularly feel down but its not just an occassional blue day, I almost feel like I spend my whole time looking back at my life and regretting things. Not just major decisions, but the minor details - silly things like choices of clothing and conversations I had 10 years ago.
I must add that there are days when I also have major major highs, doing silly things like taking the dog for a walk with the kids or just simply listening to music and singing (badly) along to it.
Music has always played a major part of my life (big cliche' I know) but I have found recently I am using this as a defensive mechanism. Almost like I am turning my music up to block out everything else (metaphorically - I'm just listnening to a lot more).
My worry is this is starting to impact on home life. I dont have the perfect marriage - I came to accept that many years ago - but we are together for the kids and trying our hardest to make this work so that we have 2 girls who have everything they need (and they are girls to be proud of). Recently its been like I have been looking for reasons to tell them off rather than focussing on the things they are doing well. My oldest daughter (7) is beautiful and top of her class in everything, yet I find the silliest things to get annoyed at her for. Then I look back and think how irrational I am being with her! What is wrong with me?
Sh*t, this was supposed to be a small note. I've gone on and on and I am crying now that I have written it down. Question answered methinks!!
What the hell do I do now?!!? What a mess - all my own fault!
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