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Hey guys, I don't know if I have depression or just plain lazy or just sad. I'm guessing it all started from last year. I go on with my life normally, because I have to. Every time I got home I just don't do anything productive. I just immediately go to my computer/phone to entertain myself. (I also have a lot of games to attend to. I try to keep busy. Maybe that's why I'm so unsure about me being depressed or not.)
If you ask me if I feel sad most of the time, I'll answer with "I don't know?" Hopeless? "I guess?" Emptiness? "I don't know." Thoughts of suicide? "Definitely." Maybe I actually just feel normal? I still smile and laugh. Just sometimes think why am I even alive. I'm such a burden.
I've hurt myself last year. Just twice. I think I deserved more to be honest. (Okay, I self-blame a lot. It's normal for me. I can't help it.)
I socialize with others normally. I sometimes mention death and me committing suicide jokingly to my friends. They don't suspect anything. When someone jokes about death, I just laugh thinking they don't know how much I want that.
I'm still here cause I'm scared of the afterlife.
I seriously think that I can live by with my condition. I convinced myself that I'm just lazy and sad. This is probably just a phase. Hence, I've never gone to a professional. (I've tried a lot of tests, but I can't agree with it when I'm so unsure about myself.)
I've been keeping this to myself.
I'm probably just over thinking this.
(English isn't my first language.)
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