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Please bear with me as I feel a long post coming on cos I need to talk
I am 54 albeit just for 16 days more but holding onto it for dear life
Holding on being the operative word I feel like I am losing it I go to bed and Im awake, I wake up after a few hours sleep and I am nearly asleep my head swims
I walk and walk to try I think to convince myself I am actually alive. I know am alive cos I want coffee to wake up and I want tabs to calm down Kalms are my drug of choice not exactly adventurous
I have had cardio tests done in past year and cardiologist said by heart was scarily healthy mind you that was after he said he regretted turning lights off when doing echocardiograph cos he would have liked to see what he was doing sounded to me like he wanted to admire my 44 dd s haha
So I guess the weird feelings in my chest are buzzing bees that seem to tickle against my inner chest wall ( Im helping safe the planet by supporting the bees ) when I exercise and not cardiac related issues my heart rate goes to 170 plus per minute when I walk 'someday soon I will run (maybe run away from myself )and see if my chest explodes and relieves this tension oh to be outside myself
My ribs and stomach hurt somedays for no reason , I have headaches and cold feet all I want is peace and a soft fleecy blanket to hide in , I dont wanna go out Im fat and ugly and I know im getting old , The last time I felt like this was christmas 2015 when my husband dropped dead in front of me so hell that was rough but so is this but different bad but different and the supports for the bereaved were good but help us what can we do outside of meds with this burden but try and support each other as I think its a tough one for others to understand when I cant understand myself anymore Im not me my mood is weird my body weirder and the world around me is out of focus
I normally dont drink but yesterday I was getting no downer from my kalms so I had 2 premixed Malibu and one large jemmie and god relief I had a few hours of feeling human and like a woman
instead of a wet rag alternating with a tazmanian devil
My periods have only become irratic in past few months so this could go on for years
Now for the punchline I have a phobia of doctors /needles hospitals and all that so I am trying to steel myself to make an appt with Gp Im new to area so dont know what they are like and my hubby has a male one so not for me .Today dedicated to my gp visiting plan and how to get the headspace to ring for appt , have tabs on board and 2 drinks in fridge for laters
Sorry sorry sorry I just needed to vent I have read loads of previous comments and discussions and my heart goes out to you with the myriad of issues presented to us as payoff for being the carers and nurturers of this world.
Thank god for the female ability to multitask as we are expected to do all the usual daily stuff / keeping it all together for everyone and breath at the same time .
Heres to woman power
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