Am I mad

Posted , 10 users are following.

Hello all

Please bear with me as I feel a long post coming on cos I need to talk

I am 54 albeit just for 16 days more but holding onto it for dear life

Holding on being the operative word I feel like I am losing it I go to bed and Im awake, I wake up after a few hours sleep and I am nearly asleep my head swims

I walk and walk to try I think to convince myself I am actually alive. I know am alive cos I want coffee to wake up and I want tabs to calm down Kalms are my drug of choice not exactly adventurous

I have had cardio tests done in past year and cardiologist said by heart was scarily healthy mind you that was after he said he regretted turning lights off when doing echocardiograph cos he would have liked to see what he was doing sounded to me like he wanted to admire my 44 dd s haha

So I guess the weird feelings in my chest are buzzing bees that seem to tickle against my inner chest wall ( Im helping safe the planet by supporting the bees ) when I exercise and not cardiac related issues my heart rate goes to 170 plus per minute when I walk 'someday soon I will run (maybe run away from myself )and see if my chest explodes and relieves this tension oh to be outside myself

My ribs and stomach hurt somedays for no reason , I have headaches and cold feet all I want is peace and a soft fleecy blanket to hide in , I dont wanna go out Im fat and ugly and I know im getting old , The last time I felt like this was christmas 2015 when my husband dropped dead in front of me so hell that was rough but so is this but different bad but different and the supports for the bereaved were good but help us what can we do outside of meds with this burden but try and support each other as I think its a tough one for others to understand when I cant understand myself anymore Im not me my mood is weird my body weirder and the world around me is out of focus

I normally dont drink but yesterday I was getting no downer from my kalms so I had 2 premixed Malibu and one large jemmie and god relief I had a few hours of feeling human and like a woman

instead of a wet rag alternating with a tazmanian devil

My periods have only become irratic in past few months so this could go on for years

Now for the punchline I have a phobia of doctors /needles hospitals and all that so I am trying to steel myself to make an appt with Gp Im new to area so dont know what they are like and my hubby has a male one so not for me .Today dedicated to my gp visiting plan and how to get the headspace to ring for appt , have tabs on board and 2 drinks in fridge for laters

Sorry sorry sorry I just needed to vent I have read loads of previous comments and discussions and my heart goes out to you with the myriad of issues presented to us as payoff for being the carers and nurturers of this world.

Thank god for the female ability to multitask as we are expected to do all the usual daily stuff / keeping it all together for everyone and breath at the same time .

Heres to woman power


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9 Replies

  • Posted

    Your not alone and I am So sorry you are going through this!!!! We have to have all these extreme symptoms and it's so hard. Be gentle on yourself as much as Possible!!!! You will get through this and it will get better!!! I had such extreme issues when I first started and now they are much better....I also try to go with the flow better now and not freak myself out! It is So Hard but this site helps me SO MUCH!!!!! Our bodies are going through so many changes...and this is Mind...Body... and Spirit.....Hormones rule it all......Please keep that in to your body...drink lot's of water...and I would make my life as easy as for YOU. Whatever that is.....its a gradual mind set...but when your body screams out in what ever way...just will will....try to breathe...and rest...Hope this helps....Lots of HUGS!!!

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  • Posted

    Hi M,

    I'm Sara, will be 49 in 6 weeks. Feel like I'm 89.

    I relate to your post so much!!

    First comment... you are SO BEAUTIFUL in all the ways that matter!! Strong, full of life, smart, funny... anybody who sees something different when they look at you needs to get their priorities straight!

    Second comment... I like your plan for getting through the GP appt. You can do this.

    I am sorry you went through such hell in 2015. You are spot-on about societal support for tragedies that also happen to men... loss of a loved one; cancer; diabetes; infertility... society at large has a process of helping people deal with all aspects of these things.

    Menopause... if there is such ( besides this marvelous community), I haven't found it yet.

    Much love to you, and let us know how things progress!!


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  • Posted

    You'll be OK and yes come here to vent-- many of us do. You are not mad/crazy. Our bodies are doing this. My friend is 56 and she is having a heck of time sleeping-- wakes up every couple hours or something.. It's very common.. Just hang on and research and try different things to sleep. Also aniexty is very real with us-- My Dr told me that aniexty and aches/pains are very common at this stage. Same friend is also same way about the doctors. I'm like that the night before where I wake at 4 am. Just hope it passes soon...

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  • Posted

    You aren't mad. I.m only 41 and going thru this craziness of not knowing my own self or body anymore. That is what's maddening...and scary...and real. I wish I had advice and liked to drink.

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  • Posted

    Hi ladies thanks so much I need understanding people, I remarried and my wonderful husband is simply wonderful and he is my world I need to ensure I can nurture our relationship so my fears of doctor will have to be put aside tomorrow and an appt made so I can get help to keep being the me that I loved til this demon started taking hold I will keep ye updated if that's ok as I need to share or I will be lost xxx

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  • Posted

    BUZZING BEES! Great way to describe this fresh new hell. I hate this newest symptom that we are sharing and all the rest of the miserable crap. Hang in there, sweetie. I do believe this will get better! xoxo

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  • Posted

    Hi Girls

    Just me again I promised myself in my first rant I would make appt with doctor and I did albeit for a few weeks time but even doing it is an achievement strange how doing something so trivial can become a reason for a clap on the back

    I am feeling weird today kinda zoned out now after the morning rush as I call the way i feel on waking ,wired , heart racing and jumping out of my skin with the tension .

    How do I find balance between the highs and lows when I feel like I have adrenaline ebbing and flowing like a tsunami.

    I zombied my way through a 40 min run on treadmill and then all the crazy early morning high gone i just wanna find a cocoon put myself inside and reemerge as a butterfly having gone is as a crawling something , I need to believe I have the potential to be more than I am now and get myself back

    Sorry for the self indulgent speak

    Keep well and strive to be the best we can be

    M x

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    • Posted

      Hi Mar,

      Great work on scheduling the Doc appt! It is a big achievement, don't minimize. It took some spiritual energy to take that step, and YOU DID IT!

      And you did your run today!!! YOU DID IT!!!

      I am having a very rough time right now myself, and feeling so crappy makes everything take more energy... so every accomplishment is WORTH CELEBRATING!!

      The past few days, I have taken to outlining my accomplishments (even the "usual" things like getting a meal together) in my planner, and even though I'm not going at my usual pace, I find that there is still a lot I am being successful at, even though I feel awful. I am working hard at being at peace with this for now. Sometimes successfully, sometimes not.

      I can totally relate to wanting to crawl into a cocoon... I am a huge introvert (need space to myself to recharge properly). I don't get a lot of that (full time job; wife; mom) and so am having to find ways to make this adjustment work in spite of that.

      Thanks for reporting back, and take care of you, and keep well.



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