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Ok, me and my mom immigrated to Nothern Ireland from Portugal 12 years ago and I was pratically raised here. Growing up I was lonely and didn't' have many friends, I didn't realise that sad point till I actually thought about it. I have had this speech problem of mine, where I speak too low and too fast, I think.
Nobody tells me anything, or what's wrong, they just ask me to repeat, or just ignore it. My mom knew about this a few years after I started talking, but didn't do anything about it. Like, practically nothing, just she took me to speech therapy when I was ten and I was a dumb, stubborn kid and I had no idea I had a speech problem till I was 14... I appreciate all the feedback from my secondary school 'friends' and teachers.
Speaking of secondary school, I was bullied, every day for the first couple months of my first year because of my height and the older girls pressured me by bombarding me by how 'cute' I was, I thought it was a tease, like sarcasm, I still do, and at the same time I had trouble in my school life, my mom's attitude towards me deturiated.
Everytime I took a huff, she took a huff at me, yelled a bit, then always bitched about I had a mental illness called 'mania' or something, pretty much called me bipolar... So, that only got worse I grew older, resenting her and despising her throughout secondary school, still do. I don't trust her.
On september, I found out I've been suffering from depression for a couple months prior and still am, everytime I look at myself in the mirror, or just think about the person looking at me, I just can't help to think what an ugly person I am. Honestly all the 'cute' teasing DID NOT help, I know what I am. I also have social anxiety, and a bit anti-social, just a bit.
I'm incredibly easy to set off, but you'd probably laugh at my way of speaking if I attempted to yell at you.
Anywho, I tried killing myself in September, didn't go all the way in the bathtube and I tried counselling, that didn't do much and my new 'friends' in my new school are just as the same as the other friends in secondary school.
I feel so alone. I'm rarely involved in their conversations, I ALWAYS have to go to them, everytime to start a topic, which doesn't last long. Every girl I'm interested in, no matter how nice I am to them, no matter how considerate I am, just the cold shoulder and the 'creep' label I get.
If I disappeared/died/got injured nobody even notice, not my family, not my 'friends', not even my dog. I have no idea what to do, the loneliness is driving me insane and I don't what I've done to deserve all my flaws
Emis Moderator comment: I have edited this post due to the swearing. These are open forums so as per the T&Cs please do not use offensive language in posts otherwise they may be deleted. I have also removed the attached image as it may identify the user and these forums are anonymous.
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