Posted , 8 users are following.
I have suffered with depression for over 15 years now. I have gone through the periods of being in a better place and being back in the room with my black dog. Until, around April 2017 I guess it became familiar to me and I had fight in me to keep coming back. But since then the fight has all but left me.
Each day all I read about is the impending wars with Syria, or North Korea or Iran and the stories that go with them pointing to World War 3. Then you have all the predicitons from the bible, the mystics etc etc. Then with my own eyes I can see the precarious state the world is presently in and cannot see how it cannot end in War.
Quite literally all of this has knocked the last bit of fight out of me as I can see no reason why I should fight the depression cause its all going to end anyway. If I had the courage I would end it myself, right now. But I keep thinking of what it would do to my better half and parents, THAT is the ONLY reason am still here. But even that thought is wearing thin, cause I know my moods are making them unhappy and has nearly caused a break up with my other half, who I love with all my heart. So now am now on the scale of "not wanting to hurt them by committing suicide" VS "they are better off without me so do it".
Am so incapacitated with the War thing I cannot think straight. I sometimes wish it would happen and get it over with. But then again I also wish I got some terminal disease that would satisfy the argument in my head about suicide.
I look at people around me who are reading and watching the same news as I do yet nobody else seems to be worried about it. That too makes me wonder if I am losing it totally, being over dramatic or whatever.
In way of example of how much I believe the war is coming and that it will happen before the end of this month or beginning of next month am supposed to be going away to play in a competition for a club I belong to. There is nobody else to go, so despite the fact I dont want to play I dont want to not go as it would let everyone else down and make there trip pointless. Anyway, its taking place in the last 12 days of September and so I dont want to go just in case war does break out whilst am away. If it did I know I would never get back home and be with my other half. I want to be with her when everything kicks off, I want to die with her.
That in itself also makes me want to take the suicide route cause it would answer the problem.
I know this will all sound mixed up, confusing and maybe even contradictory.... It wouldnt surprise me cause I know in myself that it is all of those things, but that just makes it all worse cause I can make no sense of it really either.
In all my years of suffering from depression, I have never written on a group thing like this. As I am typing it I dont even know why I am, as I believe it is pointless. BUt writing it I am, I think its maybe a case of trying one last thing..... TO put it out there and see if anything happens. I dont know.
who knows...... The world is such a nasty place just now ruled by people who just want to destroy us all OR have no care about doing so.
I feel sooooooooooo sad and sooooooooooo down, I just wish I could think straight enough to get the courage to end all of these thoughts and worries for good.
3 likes, 20 replies