Am nearly at the end of the road........

Posted , 8 users are following.

I have suffered with depression for over 15 years now. I have gone through the periods of being in a better place and being back in the room with my black dog. Until, around April 2017 I guess it became familiar to me and I had fight in me to keep coming back. But since then the fight has all but left me.

Each day all  I read about is the impending wars with Syria, or North Korea or Iran and the stories that go with them pointing to World War 3. Then you have all the predicitons from the bible, the mystics etc etc. Then with my own eyes I can see the precarious state the world is presently in and cannot see how it cannot end in War. 

Quite literally all of this has knocked the last bit of fight out of me as I can see no reason why I should fight the depression cause its all going to end anyway. If I had the courage I would end it myself, right now. But I keep thinking of what it would do to my better half and parents, THAT is the ONLY reason am still here. But even that thought is wearing thin, cause I know my moods are making them unhappy and has nearly caused a break up with my other half, who I love with all my heart. So now am now on the scale of "not wanting to hurt them by committing suicide" VS "they are better off without me so do it".

Am so incapacitated with the War thing I cannot think straight. I sometimes wish it would happen and get it over with. But then again I also wish I got some terminal disease that would satisfy the argument in my head about suicide.

I look at people around me who are reading and watching the same news as I do yet nobody else seems to be worried about it. That too makes me wonder if I am losing it totally, being over dramatic or whatever.

In way of example of how much I believe the war is coming and that it will happen before the end of this month or beginning of next month am supposed to be going away to play in a competition for a club I belong to. There is nobody else to go, so despite the fact I dont want to play I dont want to not go as it would let everyone else down and make there trip pointless. Anyway, its taking place in the last 12 days of September and so I dont want to go just in case war does break out whilst am away. If it did I know I would never get back home and be with my other half. I want to be with her when everything kicks off, I want to die with her.

That in itself also makes me want to take the suicide route cause it would answer the problem.

I know this will all sound mixed up, confusing and maybe even contradictory.... It wouldnt surprise me cause I know in myself that it is all of those things, but that just makes it all worse cause I can make no sense of it really either.

In all my years of suffering from depression, I have never written on a group thing like this. As I am typing it I dont even know why I am, as I believe it is pointless. BUt writing it I am, I think its maybe a case of trying one last thing..... TO put it out there and see if anything happens. I dont know.

who knows...... The world is such a nasty place just now ruled by people who just want to destroy us all OR have no care about doing so.

I feel sooooooooooo sad and sooooooooooo down, I just wish I could think straight enough to get the courage to end all of these thoughts and worries for good.

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  • Posted

    Hi InDespair

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards

    Patient

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  • Posted

    15 years is a long time to be suffering as much as you say.

    You have done well so far, so keep at least doing what you are and keep that hope, however small it might seem.

    Are you having any treatment, either medication or otherwise?

    Are you trying any self help such as mindfulness or meditation?

    Your concerns are shared by many of us on this forum, so if it's any comfort you are not suffering alone.

     

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    • Posted

      Thanks for reply nandrews....

      My problem is I cannot see any hope, I truly cant. Previously, when I went to this depth I had some hope AND a bit of fight in me cause I could see reasons to do it. This time I have no energy for the fight that is required.

      Yes, I am medicated. I was seeing a psychologist years ago, but it stopped, mainly due to the fact that my surgery stopped offering the service. That said I had been going to her for so long that most of the time I knew what the answers were for how to overcome. I dont mean that to seem like I think I am a know it all, but it is true that most of the time I knew how I could handle situations, how to find the trigger etc etc etc ad nauseum. She had also encourged me to take psychology courses as understanding how it worked actually helped me AND it showed me what was happening was normal and not because I was going off my head, so to speak. As a result of the training I went through I was actually going to go into counselling, but it never went that way.

      Meditation, yes I have treid that, but when my mind goes to where it is just now, I cannot do it.

      Mindfullness???? No I cant say I have. WHat is it?

      THanks for your reply again

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    • Posted

      Can you suggest a good website for Mindfullness. I have looked at a few but a. am not 100% sure its the same thing you have in mind, b. that the website is professional and know what they are talking about properly

       

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  • Posted

    Stop watching the news. I'm serious. Don't read the papers. Don't put the news on. There is nothing we can do about things outwith our control, but there are some things that we CAN control. I'm a news junkie but I've now stopped engaging in what is going on in the world. Or at least, I'm not quite as clued in as normal. What's the point if all it is going to do is bring me down and make me depressed? I've enough to deal with in my own little world thank you very much! Yes it's a good thing to be interested in the world we live in but, quite honestly, if it is adding to your own pain, and preventing you from getting well, then you need to take that control back and turn it all off. I think 24 hour news and 'instant news' must be two of the worst 'inventions' when it comes to mental health. 

    Take back some control. Turn the TV OFF!

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your reply mari34228 

      I thought of that myself, but I then go into something similar to a panic attack. If I get past that it then becomes a craving. Similar to wanting a cigarette when your trying to give up smoking. Eventually the urge to look becomes irresistible.

      How did you get past that? If indeed you had those feelings initially.

      Your advice makes total sense, I just cant seem to get out the habit.

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    • Posted

      I'm not sure really. I think age has helped me. From being a child I worried and got stressed about things I read or saw on TV. I used to get SO angry and upset over animal cruelty. Then that progressed to child cruelty, then just inhumane acts altogether. I would also worry about the 'big bad stuff' like meteors, Chernobyl, wars etc. For example, the Iraq war broke out when my daughter had just turned 3 years old. I was so incredibly frightened for her and her future. Well, the world has been messed up since then that is true, but her life has pretty much gone on as if none of that ever happened. The same can't be said for those who were truly caught up in it all. But we were fine, and have continued to be. My point is...until something actually happens to me or my family, or a direct threat is made, then what is the actual point of worrying? I know you know that already...but I mean the people who have a 'right' to worry (for want of a better way of saying it) are those directly affected. I could sit and dwell on all the bad things in the world, all the what if's...but they are not real for me. They are real for someone else directly affected....but as yet, I have not been. Do you see what I am trying to say? Sorry, I put this better earlier but my laptop switched off before I could post! All I can do is worry about the things happening in my own life. I have a right to do that. There are people whose job it is to worry about North Korea (for example)! Let them worry! We can't control everything in the world. Bad things happen and unless you have a job or are in a position to make real decisions or help in some way, then it is futile dwelling on them. I still get angry and upset over cruelty, but all I can do is be as kind as I can be. And I give a little money to appeals on sites such as change.org. (But I avoid looking at the pictures too much!) That is me doing my little part to make the world less cruel. I'm not in a position to do any more than that. 

      I don't know the answer to your question. I still see stuff, but I actively protect myself from things I know will upset me. I have to, otherwise I would not be able to function. Sorry, I know that doesn't actually help you.

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  • Posted

    That reply seems sensible. Though I would suggest rather than stopping paying attention to the news and leaving a void. Where you may then wonder what news you are missing! Replace it with something else. Maybe determine to watch a daily programme that doesn't have news in it - perhaps a soap or some other regular item.

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  • Posted

    Mindfulness, as I am understanding it, is quite simply focusing your mind on simple things.

    Firstly your breathing and as your mind wanders to other things, as it will surely do at the start, bring it back to your breath. It will take a while and maybe a number of sessions before you actually focus without distraction.

    I don't know of any websites but you might search on YouTube (with care) to find some guided instruction.

    You say you haven't any hope, but you also say that things were going in the right direction. So remember that and you just need to find the method to pick up from that. You know it can be done, so don't give up on that.

    Are you getting out amongst people and doing 'normal' things or staying indoors or even just curling up in bed?

    It's tough at first to tell yourself to do what you feel is quite wrong, but getting out and doing even simple routine things can bring benefits in the long run.

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    • Posted

      Hi

      Thanks for the reply.

      I will do some research into Mindfulness. My mind is open to different things, BUT I am also aware, as most sensible people are, that the internet is full of sites that hijack good things just to make money. I will have a look and see if I can find somewhere that looks genuine. If nothing else it will divert my mind for a while.

      Most of the time I can fight it OR at the very least calm myself for sufficiently long enough to allow me to fight back in due course, but this time its different mostly because I cannot control anything..... Its all outwith my hands. Before the onset of my illness I was very confident and a bit of a control freak. When the illness came, and in particular the incident that caused it, the loss of those two things made everything all the harder. If you know what i mean.

      Of late I have been going inside myself, but not to the bed stage. I have been there and I know that that is NOT the place to go. My bed is for sleeping nothing else, when I awake I get out of bed. I only go to bed when am ready to sleep. If I am not sleeping within 20 minutes I get up and return when am ready to sleep. It may sound daft but I was taught that by a psychiatrist and after a while it became an association... BED = SLEEP. That way I dont get my mind bussing with worries and black thoughts.

      I will however, force myself to go out some more, cause I have been reverting and you are correct.

      Thanks again

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    • Posted

      I have also adopted the same bed= sleep behaviour !

      it seems to help.

      I also have  a very sparse decor in my bedroom, no clock,no clutter and only one lovely picture that brings me to a happy place (beach and seashore).

      Something else that helps me to rest easy is lavender mist on my pillow !

      perhaps you might try it?

      Cheers and smiles

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  • Posted

    I am so sorry you are in such a dark place at the moment and I (and probably many others on this forum) totally understand your feelings of hopelessness. I have been, and still am, exactly where you are with regards to your worries about world problems.

    I am sorry I don't have any advice but wanted you to know you are not alone.

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