An Introduction to my life and Depression part 1

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Hi I'm Dan 31 an i live in kent pay attention kent will feature a lot in this post.

(Let me apologize for any spelling and grammar mistakes and for the length of it all)

I'm getting ahead of myself though as I was born an bred in Yorkshire where i spent the first wonderful 10yrs of my childhood but due t me been bullied my family moved to Kent while dragging me as i kicked and screamed the entire journey from Hull to Kent as i did not want to move and leave my friends and my 1st girlfriend and i would of rather of kept getting beat up by the bully who was 8yrs older then me and was the areas local ahole an would pick on everyone some worse then others and i just happened to be one of those he would hit or steal from every time he saw me why im guessing its because i was happy and he wasnt.

So the bullying continued for a year before my family moved and considering that i practically started getting bullied the first day i got to kent we should of stayed in hull atleast in hull i had friends and i was happy and now i cried myself to sleep an was been picked on due to my heavy yorkshire accent which i still have 21yrs later just not has heavy but its still their.

Although i did make friends eventually an this was about 3 months later when school started after the summer holidays because for the first 3 months i stayed indoors writing letters to my old friends and reading books as far as i was concerned i was in a prison been held against my will.

Six months pass and although i still cry myself to sleep and i still miss my friends an my gf not to mention the humber bridge and the princess quay shopping center which had only been finished about a year before i moved in 1992 if im not mistaken or was it 91 either way my mother would normally leave me at the railing watching it been built while she walked around town but i wasnt left alone i was left with my friend an her older brother before we went to the harbor an looked at the boats.

Anyway i know its long but i might aswell get everything of my chest about why im here typing this so forgive me if its boring.

So yeah 6 months later im still crying myself to sleep but i have made a few new friends both my age and older due to my new friends older sister dating a guy who stopped the bully picking on me.

me an my new friend would hang with him an play football or just mess around at the park which helped me to forget the fact that i was still living in a prison because even though i had family in kent it wasnt Hull and Hull is where my heart is or was but ill get to that later.

Now at this time i was happy or fairly happy i had new friends an even became somewhat popular among the older girls who id hang with once my other friends went in and this popularity was exciting all though at the time i didnt really see it maybe because i was too blind but one of the girls did like me although she was older we would get along like an house on fire an with my accent i became the comedian of the group an some would just use me an make me embarrass myself the girls would all treat me like their little brother which been a kid going through puberty became somewhat very embarrassing at times because they where attractive so id often get aroused when i shouldn't off and i also happened to be the firs of my friends to go through puberty so i also loved the attention especially the attention from Tina who i had puppy dog eyes for from the first time i saw her.

Now lets skip a few years to year 9 in secondary school my popularity had settled the bullying at restarted and i had other interests which kept me from socialising during the break times as the new interest an love of my life was the piano which was the only thing that truly made me feel alive since been in kent and also garnered me a lot of attention among the other kids an teachers that could hear me play and occasionally id be late for lessons because id forget i was at school but alas once breaks were over i had normal school lessons some of which the bullies would be in an again it was due to my accent and back then i had a very short fuse an with me been a brick shit house during school id often get in trouble for retaliating.

All that soon stopped though when i was given an ultimatum i can lash out and be banned from the music rooms or i can learn to control my temper an keep playing the piano which i did and id use beethoven an bach to vent my anger playing pieces such as toccatta an fugue in d minor to fur elise or whatever the mood called for at the time which all helped me to control my anger but that calmness and oneness would come to an end when my baby brother was born an the same bully who had been taunting me an insulting me for 4 years went to a place he shouldnt of gone too an insulted my brother now until then id take it an walk away but insulting my baby brother i snapped and all the calmness was replaced with pure primal rage as i dropped my bag and chased him down the corridor running through the doors he was locking behind him until i cornered him at the end as he tried desperately to open the doors to the playground i just looked at him an smiled as i knew he was mine an he knew it as he begged and pleaded for me not to hit him but all i saw was the bully insulting my baby brother so i just jumped on him got him in a headlock and started to choke the life out of him an at this point i didnt care if i killed him or not but either way i wasnt letting go of him an it must of been what seemed like a lifetime as every insult an fat joke he said to me flashed through my mind an before i knew it i had teachers trying to pull me off him but i was determined to not let go so more teachers came an my grip tightened until my music teacher came who was practically a father figure to me came an saw me and the look on his face was a look i'll never forget as he looked in disappointment at which i let go and dropped my head in shame as i knew id disappointed him even as the teachers were trying to talk to me i blocked it all out an just thought that no amount of apologizing to him would be enough.

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    An that shame followed me into college which soon developed into depression as it affected my social life as when i wasnt at college id lock myself away in my bedroom drawing or typing stories on my typewriter and even at college id began to shut people out an i was more quieter then usual an would often mumble when spoken to or ignore people completely as i didnt want to let another teacher or person in an then fail them like i had my music teacher which of course paid a drastic toll on my dating life aswell and my other relationships as me an my school friends would see less an less of each other as they would be dating and id be scared of dating even though they were girls i liked and wanted to ask out i was just too scared which was a far cry from the 10 yr old who had the girls coming to him and now im 19 and have no idea what to say to anyone which in turn just makes the depression worse which in turn ruins my social life even more until my social life becomes that of talking on chat sites an websites like myspace and uboot where i was fine been the real me as if i was 10 again but then when id meet those few friends who lived close id close up again an forget what to say or what to talk about as if i lost my tongue.

    I thought that would change though when i finally got to know a girl who i opened up to an suffered with depression too and although it was a long distance relationship it was one that finally had me smiling an laughing again that was until her jealousy due to her ex bf cheating on her started to affect our relationship and at the end of it i was reassuring her 24/7 that i loved her but after a year of been together i broke up with her which was the hardest decision id ever make but her jealousy an accusations were starting to depress me.

    Three months later and i started getting to know one of the girls i spoke to a lot more an at this point i knew she liked me an she knew i liked her an she suggested that i go visit her in scotland to see if we clicked in person an to see if a relationship was worth a try with me visiting her every few weeks an her visiting me which started of great from stepping off the bus an meeting her to falling asleep together in bed an for the next 3 days we had fun an every night we would fall asleep with her resting her head on my chest an me resting my hand on her breast as her hand was laid across my crotch an the following morning when we woke up she said tonight is the night so that made the day drag on forever but we did start the night of early while we were supposed to be watching bruce almighty as we teased each other.

    So the morning after the night before an we had both just taken each others virginity which left us wanting more but unfortunately we had to go out an make sure i had everything ready for when i went home the following day but we still had a great time sad but good knowing that we had something good together or so i thought as it was about a week after i returned home that she said she lied about her virginity an that she already had a boyfriend.

    Which has anyone could imagine ruined me knowing that i gave up my virginity to a lying two timing cow who as it turned out got pregnant with my child an then forgot to tell me about the pregnancy or my childs death an id still not know if it wasnt for another friend who bumped into her months later so again that also ruined me knowing i had a kid that id never met an who died so now not only was i having trust issues with women but i was also having nightmares about my kid an how if i only knew she might of still been alive so the guilt weighed me down making the depression that much more debilitating as by now i stopped meeting people at all an just locked myself in my room and watched tv or slept all day i even stopped talking to family but they just assumed it was cause i was dumped as i didnt tell them about my kid.

    Skip a few years to my 23rd birthday when id made a few more friends an started socializing again with a younger crowd i should add with me been the only one of legal age so id be the one to buy the cheap lidl booze an would spend hours on the banks of the river medway drinking an getting wasted which i honestly didnt care about the more memories i could kill the better as i didnt want to remember the cheater who lied to me or the kid i never knew or the friends since then who had lied an stabbed me in the back but that was about to get a lot worse as this one night i invited a few friends around to my place where we all got drunk and everyone left except a friend who was like my sister an i said she could have the bed an ill take the couch with he bucket in case i was sick so she goes to bed and i fall asleep but end up waking up half way through the night with her on top of me and at this time im not sure if im asleep or awake or if im dreaming or not until a few seconds later when my eyes adjust an i realize that my friend is infact raping me to which i push her off and kick her arse out the door before getting in the shower to scrub her off or scrub what i could scrub off when i get a knock on the door about 30 minutes later an shes back but this time with her brother an shes claiming i raped her an her brother is here to kick my arse unfortunately even when im naked i could still kick his arse which i did and then i kicked them both out and went to bed hoping that was the end of it but it wasnt because in the morning she returned with her entire family from her chump brother to her mother an father who i knew better then her and who also knew her better then she thought as i thought im a dead man but instead her mother an father came to apologize and said if i called the cops they would back me up but i just wanted to forget it and move on.

    Which as i now know is impossible as without knowing it that was the final nail in the coffin that was my life skip to the present as i type this while listening to Jennifer Rush the power of love realizing that i will never have the relationship i want or have a family because no matter what i could never trust anyone else completely to give them my heart or complete happiness too because of the past even now i still hope ill find that happiness and find that right girl who just wants to settle down an start a family but along with the depression, anxiety, paranoia, agoraphobia and other problems came the weight gain and im clinically obese and if i dont lose weight i fear i could be dead before im 35 if not before my next birthday but then my depression creeps in an works its bitterness an makes me wonder why lose weight no one would miss me and even if i lost weight no girl would ever date me or see me beyond anything more then a friend.

    Which is sad but true as right now it seems depression controls my life instead of me controlling it and that scares me the most when i think about what i used to be like and how innocent i was compared to this broken empty shell of a man who on occasion wonders why im still alive when my lifes not even in my control i cant even walk out of my door anymore because of the fear and paranoia ive not visited my mothers in 2 months and she only lives 5 minutes away.

    When im not sleeping my day to day pretty much consists of me been on the xbox 360 or trying not to spiral into a pit of suicidal despair and of course i hide most of this from friends an family now well i say friends but im not sure if id count xbox live friends as friends.

    Now i think ive gotten enough of my chest for now.

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  • Posted

    Hi Dan,

    I can totally understand how your depression has taken over your life. It does with myself also I make arrangements but then cancel on the day. I don't go out anymore. I feel in adequate with people and yes the meds do put on weight!! They increase the hunger....

    I find it goes through stages of been really bad and inside I'm telling myself to get over it but I can't!!!

    You are not alone.

    Roz

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  • Posted

    i no longer take antidepressants they never worked only meds im on now is for high blood pressure, ibs and anxiety which ran out weeks ago
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  • Posted

    Hi Dan, I was bullied and it made me fell like I didn't exist , no confidence so on so on. I am now living with my

    wonderful wife in Scotland and have various achievements but I still feel that I am not good enough, no degree education is a big one . I don't have any concentration span or v little . Just lost my dog to illness and my job so I;m feeling bad your not alone.

    Now I was on Velafaxine anti depressants functioning great...then I was put on Martazapine 30mg then terrible

    side affects weight gain, muscle aches etc.....the dosage was reduced by half which caused panic attacks and sweats etc. so went back to 30mg then the doc said your happier on velafaxine so stopped the other tablets and waited until next day to start ................3 days later the transition to these old tablets is the worst experience ever ,

    roasting hot arms, stomach, legs, fainting feelings, panic, thoughts that am v ill . luckily I have tamazepam and diazapam to help through....doc said it's withdrawal transition symptoms . Great but bulling is a terrible . Can't wait for feeling on top of the world again

    Need to reply or talk your v welcome....there are millions of people in the same boat my friend.

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  • Posted

    Well ive never heard of or been prescribed velafaxine and when i was taking anti depressants i was on various doses of sertraline and citalopram and besides from the fact that they just made me sleep better at night their did nothing for me whatsoever.

    As for the side effects you mentioned ive not had any of those either luckily but then at the moment the only cure for my depression is moving to another country because ive got so many bad memories of england that i actually resent living here and everyone around me and if getting on a plane to caifornia or whistler vancouver was easy id of left long before now.

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  • Posted

    Hello Dan, just read your message.......bloody awful thing that happend. I know it sounds like a typical cleashay (tried spelling this several times) to hell with the world look after number 1 you! and everything else will take care of itself ......we are not here to please others its taken me yrs to find that out. People who have had the confidence knocked out of them try to please everyone but themselves.

    Fear is a terrible thing I couldn't even get up to get something to eat last night due to yrs ago my dad always use to to say "have you got enough there" and its stayed with until I realised I'm 44 now and live in my own house . when I have anxiety episodes mine relate to my subconscious past.

    People put constraints on other people and its wrong. wish you well.

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