And it all just tumbled out... but why do I feel so bad?

Posted , 4 users are following.

Hi I have had to post and ask advice on this useful site yet again.  Can anyone who has been through rape counselling explain something to my mind which is worrying me persistently.  I saw my counsellor on Wednesday as usual.  I was just in tears and dissolved once I went into her room where we normally see each other and speak.  I was having the most horrendous week and was sleepless nights, flashbacks and what seemed to be little jagged part jigsaw pieces of my assailaint, the place, the whole incident, when it all tumbled out and I couldn't stop crying!  When I first went in the building I wouldn't look at her, couldn't speak and when she made me a drink I didn't even register the fact that she'd done this.  Do you think I'm being rude?  Am I worrying too much as I now feel REALLY guilty for what I said and HOW I said it.  I feel really concerned about going back but don't know why.  I just know I am scared of going there again but know to gain some of my life back I have to do this.  Please help what do I do?  What would you do?  I worry alot about wasting her time.  Am I?   Or is this the right thing to do?

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  • Posted

    I haven't experienced what you have. My father is a therapist and what I have learned from him is what happened in the office is exactly what is supposed to happen when your therapist is doing there job. You clearly trust your therapist and are allowing yourself to feel what happened to you . After everything you have been through the very last this is feeling any type of guilt or shame for letting yourself move forward .

    The only way that the therapist can help you is if you do this . Without realizing it you are projecting how you feel about the person who harmed you. The therapist then will towel that themself and try to help you gain control over the awful experience so you can get some type of peace and control over your feelings and reactions relating to the experience. It's called transference and it's better for you to do this in the safety of the office , instead of those around you that love you and support you, that have no idea how to help you.

    Your therapist should take all those feelings you transferred and help you see that it's ok to express how you feel and transfer feelings back to help you recognize how the experience impacts your everyday life and how to gain as much control so you can independently get through your life with through , feelings , insight to get control of the memories and pain.

    If a therapist takes anything you did or said in your appt personally then they need to take a break or are just not a good therapist . I don't think this is the case or you wouldn't have felt safe enough to let go like you did . It's hard when you finally get to that place , it happens , it's really good you had someone you could get to this point with and you should be proud that you were strong enough th let it out . From what I have experienced with my husband , there is hope for you . Some just can't let go and only work to keep it all in and appear they have it all under control . This isn't healthy . Experiencing and coping with trauma is not pretty inside your mind it gets worse . Know you have someone to dig though it all with you , and remain in control is what you need . Often we feel like people have all these negative feelings about ourselves when we feel vulnerable

    . How you are feeling now is likely something you feel about yourself and you shouldn't . It's required you go through this stage . Not many people can or do . So embrace it , as painful as it is because you are moving forward .

    I could be wrong and I hope I didn't say anything that made you feel worse . My intent is only to say what I know and have learn from my own experiences and my fathers .insight . Good luck and I am so sorry you've had to endure this . You have a right to express and feel whatever you do . No more guilt about that ok? You have enough to deal with.

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    • Posted

      I thought was going mad Emily, we're not a family to show emotions so this ripped me to shreds, still feel bad as second session was like this too, now I feel really terrible!  Still getting nightmares and flashbacks and the fear is non stop.  Help where do I go from here only got 5 sessions of counselling left!  Do I turn up again?

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  • Posted

    Never worry about what happed at our meeting, you are bound to be raw and part of the treatmedt is to make you come to terms what has happened in the past. Sometimes you need to go through the pain so you can put your unpleasent thoughts to sleep and move on a more possitive pathway. Your CPN will have heard it all before, it is important you return to your Sessions

    Good Luck

    BOB

    Good 

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    • Posted

      Is it person centred therapy with a specialist rape counsellor? If you dont think that is working for you maybe you could go back to your GP and ask if they could refer you to see someone in your local mental health team? Xx
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  • Posted

    Hey Sam,

    Not sure who/what your counsellor is? But if it is "person centred" style of counselling, that may not be what you need right now. My advice would be to go back too your GP and speak too him/her. You may want to explore other support options or look at different types of counselling. Its sounds like you have lots of unresolved issues, which will take time and support to deal with.

    Your GP will be able to help. Please make an appointment soon xx

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    • Posted

      Hi shaz, I understand your point but need to talk to somoene as this happened years back, the counsellor is really good it's just me, I feel bad about what I said not anything else, but the 2nd session yesterday was just as bad, so now I still feel guilty.  I give up!

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    • Posted

      Hi, towards the top right hand corner of your screen, you should see your name and notifications.  If you click on your name, it take you to a screen where you can see your activity etc.  On the top right hand corner of this screen, you should see 3 buttons, Settings / Messages / Notifications.  If you click on messages, it will take you through to your message section.  
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  • Posted

    Hi everyone who has been kind enough to respond, it sorted the counsellor I see has explained and the session I had on Wednesday was fine, my husband can see the change it has made and whilst the changes aren't massive I certainly seem to him to be more calm and less reactive to everything to do with us.  Touch is less of an issue and so is trust to whether it seems right to my counsellor or not is not the issue!  She's definitely done more than anyone else and let's face it that wasn't hard as anything beats nothing.  She's given me the power to know I definitely would like to explore adoption and this is something I am NOT going to give in - compared to jumping or ending my life after being so rottenly treated by local hospital and just dumped almost a year ago now.  I was desperate and she's handed me some confidence back.  Yes the last few weeks have been tough but nothing as bad as they were.  May be I needed to go through a whole session of flashback after flashback to get to this stage.  I feel I finally have something I may have the chance to look forward to now and know in my heart a child would certainly fill the void that has always been missing and permanenlty irradicate that part of my life.  Men don't rule my life, I do, but to have a child you have to put up with them I suppose?  I will write if I have to again but hopefully I don't.  I am not in answer to your question having person centred counselling.  These people are rape specialists and it is what I needed.  May be at the age of 19 though, or when I was groped by uncle aged 7/8, which has only just come out.  Thank you to all of you, I do appreciate the support and as you know I'm sure rape and assault devastate lives so to know there are kind people out there who are prepared to listen and understand is enough.

     

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