and the sun rose once again.

Hi Carmel hun, yes we've chatted b4? My mistakes were many when last using this site and in some ways painted my life more dire than it actually is? I can't really explain here as it is an open site and there are things I can't put out there even though the people who read them don't know me? I suffer in silence without this site but alas that is the way it has to be? I can go out if I so desired, I have travelled far and wide and have friends from around the world who I can but don't call if I wanted to, I,m known at a glance by most people in this city not area but city? My life changed one day and I don't really know why, there,s no rationale to it at all, me sister died I had a breakdown and I've never been the same since, my out look on life has changed forever. I was looking on my phone b4 thinking I,'ll go away somewhere for a break, I was going to buy a laptop but thought a holiday maybe what I need more, get back into the swing of things Kerala India is supposed to be rich in spirituality and maybe that's what I need it's just that I have no enthusiasm at all where one time I,d be happy with the thought of getting away again? Nightmare hun.

Yes hun, when not on this site I usually read? I read most anything? I have a lovelly garden and the wildlife what visits is a joy to watch. I try look after my neighbours who are mainly elderly and if need something fixing it will be to mine that they call first. My family are pretty wealthy and although very caring for me know that by making me financially independent they would be throwing good money away as unlike them I don't find pleasure in amassing money but by giving it to others so although I will never really want for anything thing thing that brings me pleasure is something I,m unable to achieve? Haha. Strange predicament I know? I guess I,m pretty content the way I am although I do have my dark days and depression in some instances is quite overbearing but thankfully those days are not as often as they once was. I cope and to have this little out let helps me no end although I often feel guilty as I know this site isn't made for someone like me yet I have no other out let, I don't know about Twitter or such sites and I really do need to get some of my thoughts out there somewhere anywhere. It's my salvation? Thanks again hun.

Hi David. Do you work or go to any social groups or do any hobbies? The garden sounds wonderful, I love animals and wildlife and flowers. Do you do it all yourself?

Do you have any pets? I also like to read a lot.

Hi carm, no hun I don't work since had the breakdown, live off allowance from family so in effect I,m in retirement? Ha. I guess I,m spoilt in a way, all my bills are paid my shopping and everything gets delivered. If I want I get except for cash, if want holiday they would pay, if wanted to move again my house would be back on the market and they'd get me a new one? I,m happy where I am, they're happy cos out of sight out of mind I love animals "all animals" I wouldn't have a pet myself tho, I have had in the past, in one of my previous homes I built an Avery in the garden and had everything from canaries to budgies to lovebirds to African grey parrots. They took so much care and attention but I loved it, that was b4 my breakdown. Gave them all away asked my family to get me a new place and off I went. I,m happy where I am now it is so quiet.what kind of books you read angel? When my sister was dying I got book count of Monte cristo by Alexandra dumas went travel agents and booked a flight to Thailand after recently watching that film the beach with Leonardo DiCaprio, looked ideal. I stayed there afew weeks but eventually had to come back, I still never finished that book afew days after coming back she passed and I cane back under protest as was going to stay. I used to love travelling, have you done any travelling.I will finish that book if ever fancy going away again? Thanks hun.

hi David. Love to read anything factual where I am learning. Gardening, cooking, health etc.Not into travelling but did enjoy it once. All sorts of reasons why I would not now. I once ha\d a client who owned and ran her own business David and she had a bad breakdown. She felt too ill to get washed and dressed or eat etc. But she had to somehow pull herself together because otherwise the business would hve folded and she would not hve been able to pay the bills. In a way it can be a good thing if you have to do things, it somehow makes you stronger bcause you just hve to rise about how you feel.

I agree hun, I think sometimes one needs to either hit rock bottom or be heading for it? I think if my home was to be repossessed or my family stopped supporting me I may well find myself so desperate that I could climb out of the abyss and once again do something with my life. Depression is an awful thing hun and it is only now that I have reached the stage in life that I have started to cope with it more. Money meens absolutely nothing to me and yet It is needed to survive. There is a bridge overlooking a railway line not far from me and in my darkest days it seems to beckon me. I feel safer staying at home they way things are and until I,m stronger of mind. I try to look forward a year and hope to be well by then and when that year arrives I have plans to sell my home and ask my family to help me move abroad and hopefully chill on an island somewhere for the remainder of my life.

In actual fact David when someone bails you out financially so that you can do nothing all day taht is the same as enabling a drug taker by giving them money for drugs. They do it because they are ignorant, or it is the quickest easiest way or because they are not thinking ahead to the repercussions later. I see it all the time. All of the time that others are being the responsible ones - paying for things etc - you will continue to be the way you are I think. Dreaming of this and that but actually also feeling bored, lonely and

frustrated deep down. I know that you have a good brain and are deep and you are wasting that good brain of yours right now.

hi carmel hun, just sitting in library and decided to have a go on computer and saw this post? i agree with what you say hun but think i need to clarify? when i talk about my family supporting me i meen just that? when i hsd my breakdown my head was all over the place and they took control of my finances as i was unable to as i would often leave the house and give anything i had on me to the first person in saw who seemed in need, i even took my checkbook out afew times and wrote out checks to people i didnt even know but looked like they needed a helping hand. my family took power of attourney and i now live off an allowance from my own money and supported all the way, if i make decision when it comes to money i have to clear it with them first. they are wealthy in their own right (well some are) i,m not wealthy in my eyes just ok, own my own home, i dont drive as eyesight not great after accident years back but if wanted a car i,d go buy one. ive never asked for a hand out, i schooled myself, no rich oarents to pay for adaquet school? it tickles me when hear people say they made it on their own when theyve had a real good upbringing and went to the best schools, took buisness degrres etc at expense of their parents and then have the gaul to say they done it all themselves? i done everything myself and never evn had pocket money to save i took jobs like delivering papers or selling wood when their was coal fires and thats how i started, now i have a small buisness in athens greece, i have a removal firm operating 6 vans and 11 employees and part owner of a small pub, amongst other thing only i,m uncapable of running things ther way things are. thank you for your reply tho hun, appreciated.

Hi. I understand what you are saying. Support can be emotional or financial. But at least you have some sort of support some people have none at all. You sound a bit like me in so much as you have a strong work and entrepreneurial streak and would not sit around waiting for someone to give you a job or expecting it to all fall into place just to suit you.

Hi hun, yes found myself back home again, too claustrophobic in library? As I've said on many occasions angel I have so many friends and a very supportive family but I don't feel capable of socializing just yet and prefare my own company, as lonelly as that sounds and believe me it is? I,d rather that than allow people to see me when not 100%, what if I had another breakdown, panic attack whatever? I don't want to put my family through that and I certainly don't want my friends to see it? I,m paranoid I know and maybe I should take that leap but why if I,m content "not happy" but content the way things are and now that I have this forum I don't really feel alone now anyway. I can confide in people on here knowing we,'ll never meet, I can't confide in friends or allow my family to see me when I,m ill? I,d be back in hospital so fast as they really do care and think that is what would be best? Yeah hun, quite content to leave things how they are at present? Haha.

Hi . I understand exactly what you are saying. When I am ill or down I prefer to be alone even though it's lonely and it sounds daft but it is better than trying to put on a brave face or go through the motions and hate every second of it. And you can speak more freely to people you will never meet though I would not advise you to tell people too much unless you are sure of them. Sometimes when you are ill people assume you hve no brain and need others to make your decisions for you when you are more than capable of deciding things for yourself. The same goes for being lonely. If I tell someone I am lonely they jump in with advising me on how I should phone a friend or invite a friend over or go to a club or whatever, as if it is that simple. If it were that simple I would hve already done it ages ago.

I am so vulnerable hun, thats why i dont like going out anymore? I tried to break thé monotony in may june? Took tina to free,e rhodes? I know this is an open forum but what thé ive nothing to hide? I left tripadvisor almost as soon as i got back i think m'y username is snackers something or other, if have à look you will c m'y tina and see some of m'y reviews, egypt thailand cambodia etc, been on Hi che minn train, stops on bridge if river kwai had hot airballon over thé saranghetti, its all there to see? ive no reason to lie if look it up Start at rodos Star rhodes? Went for two weeks didnt want ti really but took tina 4 a break? I need no one to tell me i,m. Good/bad person i know who i am and what i,m about but must admit i might of ended it all before tonight if i never Found this site? Thank you all 

Hi deaver hun? Hope you are doing ok, were all glad you joined this site and hope you get inspiratuon fron it? I,n drunk a tad at the moment so cant offer advice only to say i,m glad you Found this site.