Annoyance and Alcohol Curse

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I just feel like typing.  Its early in the morning in the US....well about 930 which is early for me. 

​Annoyance: with the posts at the very top of the page that go unanswered for long periods of time and not understanding why..they are not removed.  That must be my CONTROL issues.  I want to erase them...because there isn't any point of answering them because I have in the past and found that the people have moved on.  The moderation on the page with the automatic denying of posts....is quick...there should be an automatic...if not answered for 3 weeks...deletion.  There I feel better about that.

​Alcohol Curse:  I read about people suffering on here everyday...I have suffered greatly too with using alcohol and being in the vicious cycle of drinking...sleeping...waking...drinking...and not being able to stop or communicate with the outside world.  Let alone take a shower, eat...do the daily activities that normal non-drinkers can do.

​BUT...almost at least 1x a day...even while reading the suffering and remembering the suffering...something still attracts me to the thought of indulging in a bottle of alcohol.  Its so SICK.  Why do I say to myself when I read posts like Alon's and BK that I want to also be oblivious and have my only concern be about how much I am going to drink and hurt myself that day.  Its so twisted that I find that attractive in some way.

​Its a curse and it never goes away.  I can only remember at the times that I want to drink..like right now at 9:30 in the morning....that my sponser told me...."you never have to feel that way again".  Once you have a certain period of time under your belt and away from alcohol...you are supposedly in control.  I will admit I am in more control than I was when I was drinking.

But I'm in so much control that my SICK brain tells me...well...you see all this suffering and you have suffered...so possibly you won't do that much damage by just having a couple bottles and NOT going on a binge.  I have said that to myself MANY times over and it never is TRUE.  I always end in a binge.

​The pill I see everyone taking on here to curb the amount of drinking seems to me another torture method.  I don't see many people saying it totally works for them (I have seen maybe 1 out of 5 people happy with the results).  I was tempted to get the pill (not so hard in the US) but I see the daily torture that people are still in even taking the pill.  And it breaks my heart....It does seem like the pill should be used as a taper method...because it seems like people can cut down...but very rarely are thinking of stopping but wanting some control to get the buzz....but most talk about not getting the buzz...and just being tortured by trying to achieve both the buzz and cutting down the amount of alcohol. 

​To me there is no win situation unless we are able to totally abstain from the bottle and it IS a lifelong battle no matter what method we chose.

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12 Replies

  • Posted

    The posts at the top annoy me. I did ask Emis moderator to remove them, as they are very old, nobody is answering them and it is likely that they have gone elsewhere.

    No response was the reply.

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    • Posted

      I just answered both posts.....maybe they will disappear NOW...LOL
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    • Posted

      I have site, send to email so only see the latest posts, try it out they is link from site.
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  • Posted

    I have the site set to send me an e-mail when someone posts and I go direct to that message when clicking the link in the e-mail. I therefore rarely see the list of threads unless I am looking for something.
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  • Posted

    Hi Misssy,

    I just replied to you, again... on your last post.

    It is 14:50 in U.K.  I am still in bed.  Not a good day.  The lifelong battle is exactly the problem.  Sometimes we are not strong enough to "take action"!  You are right about the abstain wagon.  I wish with all my heart, to be able to get there , one day.  

    Preferably, before the drink kills me.(sick joke)

    Alonangel 🎇

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  • Posted

    Oh Misssy, you're so fine,

    You're so fine, you blow my mind,

    Hey Misssy... Hey Misssy!!!!!

    I hope that gave you a giggle.

    I got up, took my meds, like a good girl, including Selincro, of course.  Who is kidding who, here.  I will go to the God forsaken shop, later.  I get the strength from who knows where.  I always make it to the shop !  It is really not the shop's fault.  God may love that shop.  There may or may not be a God... but, there is a shop.  The shop sells alcohol and I am a daily customer.  It is very embarrassing, when I stop to think about it.  So, I don't stop to think about it.  15:35 here, now. Counting time.  What a life.  I despair of myself.  Do you have any suggestions about the mindset needed for stopping?  I did it before.  It was pure willpower.  I have lost that level of willpower.  The tablet is my best chance for now.  I am so sickened about blowing the Units. How can I still fight the tablet.  I want to be free.  I want to be me.  I don't know who I am, now.

    Wishing you well, my friend,

    Alonangel 🎇

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    • Posted

      Yes that made me laugh...proud of you for getting up! I never was embarrassed about being in store everyday I didn't care. Needed my alcohol. You sound quite sick.. And I think your such in a routine with alcohol it's super hard to break. What is your family and friend situation? Can you plan to break up your day by visiting? My only secret for stopping was really going to hospital cause I couldn't stay way..and once the withdrawal passed then I was able to have willpower...when your hungover or feeling sh*TTY...there is no willpower cause the drink helps relive withdrawal.
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  • Posted

    Misssy I would love more than anything to get to be in a position to be able to moderate alcohol - perhaps just drinking of a weekend and not in a binge type manner. However your post resonates with me and I am constantly coming back to that notion, that the only way I will get better I to abstain completely, but getting there seems nigh on impossible.

    Started my wine again now, took the tablet 2 hours 15 minutes ago. Again persevering, have organised a chat with Joanna tomorrow and looking forward to it, a problem shared is a problem halved after all.

    It is a hell, it self abuse, regardless of the act of drinking the actual alcohol there's also the self loathing, the "I'm a failure" thoughts etc etc.

    I constantly think I wish I could just go back to my 18 year old self and tell her that I don't need alcohol to have fun, to feel normal, to feel confident. Now I'm dependant. It's not to have fun, to feel confident, it's a now a necessary evil.

    Hope you're well.

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    • Posted

      I feel for you...I see that this process IS working for paper...so keep at it...I too wish I could drink like my 18 year old self...those were the good ole days. 

      ​And I get the part of a necessary evil.  The only way out for me was to go to the hospital and be kept away from the devil...but the UK doesn't seem to be as cooperative with helping alcoholics as the US...which is very...very SAD. 

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  • Posted

    What is at the top?

    I,like Paul have it set to send notifications of new posts or new discussions,didn't know there was another place to see threads

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  • Posted

    Also,my problem with alcohol is I like it.Love wine and the whole social thing of socialising and eating ( hence the weight gain)...... I just wish it wasn't bad for me and make me very drunk sad
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    • Posted

      That is my greatest wish nicole...that it wasn't bad for me AND I didn't get to a point of not being able to function.  The closest thing to that wish seems to be this Sinclair Method...but I know that it isn't for me...if it is wrecking the buzz of alcohol.  I am afraid to try it at this point with over 6 weeks sober...because I know I would drink...not obtain the result of the buzz I want...stop taking the pills and be a full blown drunk again because of the reintroduction of booze to my system.

      ​So, FOR ME...I have to keep going with the abstinence..work on my triggers...eat properly..etc.

      ​Its odd to me that you "love" wine....are you young?  I do not love any booze anymore...just the affect of the booze.  I was a beer drinker my whole life and used to say I LOVE BEER.  But the last year...the thought of a beer would make me gag....but I wanted the buzz....so I switched to vodka...I didn't LOVE vodka either...but I chased it with water to get the taste of the sting out and acquired the much searched for escape...so I loved the escape alcohol brought and not any particular brand....in the end.

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