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I just feel like typing. Its early in the morning in the US....well about 930 which is early for me.
Annoyance: with the posts at the very top of the page that go unanswered for long periods of time and not understanding why..they are not removed. That must be my CONTROL issues. I want to erase them...because there isn't any point of answering them because I have in the past and found that the people have moved on. The moderation on the page with the automatic denying of posts....is quick...there should be an automatic...if not answered for 3 weeks...deletion. There I feel better about that.
Alcohol Curse: I read about people suffering on here everyday...I have suffered greatly too with using alcohol and being in the vicious cycle of drinking...sleeping...waking...drinking...and not being able to stop or communicate with the outside world. Let alone take a shower, eat...do the daily activities that normal non-drinkers can do.
BUT...almost at least 1x a day...even while reading the suffering and remembering the suffering...something still attracts me to the thought of indulging in a bottle of alcohol. Its so SICK. Why do I say to myself when I read posts like Alon's and BK that I want to also be oblivious and have my only concern be about how much I am going to drink and hurt myself that day. Its so twisted that I find that attractive in some way.
Its a curse and it never goes away. I can only remember at the times that I want to drink..like right now at 9:30 in the morning....that my sponser told me...."you never have to feel that way again". Once you have a certain period of time under your belt and away from alcohol...you are supposedly in control. I will admit I am in more control than I was when I was drinking.
But I'm in so much control that my SICK brain tells me...well...you see all this suffering and you have suffered...so possibly you won't do that much damage by just having a couple bottles and NOT going on a binge. I have said that to myself MANY times over and it never is TRUE. I always end in a binge.
The pill I see everyone taking on here to curb the amount of drinking seems to me another torture method. I don't see many people saying it totally works for them (I have seen maybe 1 out of 5 people happy with the results). I was tempted to get the pill (not so hard in the US) but I see the daily torture that people are still in even taking the pill. And it breaks my heart....It does seem like the pill should be used as a taper method...because it seems like people can cut down...but very rarely are thinking of stopping but wanting some control to get the buzz....but most talk about not getting the buzz...and just being tortured by trying to achieve both the buzz and cutting down the amount of alcohol.
To me there is no win situation unless we are able to totally abstain from the bottle and it IS a lifelong battle no matter what method we chose.
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