Antidepressants…in need of reassurance and success stories

24M, 68KG, British

This year has been tough.

Ive never struggled with SSRI's..going on or off as much as I have this year. It has never been a problem.

I have been on and off (pretty much off most of the time) Citalopram for about 6 years and have been relatively fine and lived a great life with occasional annoying anxiety and panic attacks that were momentary.

Although this year in May I thought I would try Mirtazapine. I regret making that decision so much. I took it for a month and it was awful. I hated it. I tried to come off it and it was awful..eventually did and went back on Citalopram for a month. I felt a bit sick most of the time and had my good days but I decided..like I always did..to come off it and see how I was without. At the time my doctor advised I try Escitalopram (Lexapro) at a lower dose instead. I also regret that. So thats, May: Mirtazapine, June: Citalopram, and 12 days of Escitalopram in July. On Escitalopram I got brain zaps which i had never experienced and weird dizziness. I decided to call it quits. For the two months following that I had awful brain fog and dizziness..barely any anxiety though. It was hopeless as I thought it was withdrawals but they can't last that long apparently. I got an MRI, saw a neurologist before I decided ok maybe I should just go back on Citalopram, the old reliable, and just stick to it. Ive been on it for about 3 weeks now today and feel slightly better but the first few days of taking it was hell. It feels like my brain has changed. I cant lie in. Barely sleep and my brain physically feels 'weird'. Its really hard to explain other than saying I just feel 'messed up'. Its sometimes an unbearable feeling behind the eyes and in my brain. Ive been inconsistent with work and can barely read or concentrate. Things have gotten better but im still struggling quite bad. Woke up this morning with a weird feeling in my head that made me nauseous and sick. Im fighting neurological symptoms now not anxiety and its awful. Does this ever get better? Will my brain adjust and get over this? I think switching from 3 different meds in 3 months has permanently messed me up but apparently that cant happen. Wish I never took any of these drugs as it was only for a bit of anxiety now I feel I cant do anything in life. I start a new job November 8th and want to feel good and able to actually focus. I'm usually quite a socialable person and like to work hard but now my brain makes me feel like the opposite.

I feel like if I took a break in June instead of going on escitalopram I probably would’ve recovered but my brain hasn’t felt the same since I got the brain zaps on escitalopram. It’s like I’ve got a constant charge in my brain that’s making me dizzy and unable to focus.

I’m willing to see the citalopram through to 4-5 weeks and hope it ‘balances’ things out. Otherwise I don’t know… maybe I should’ve had a longer break than 2 months…

Begging for either advice or a success story…at this rate it just feels like I’m going to be like this forever and I want to make the right choices to recovery. Just finished going on a run and deadlifts but felt so dizzy. Appetite is poor too.

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