Anxiety

I wrote all thus today as more of a diary entry to help me understand how I was feeling but I wanted to know if anyone else can relate to any of this?

Today I am thinking that I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Then I think I shouldn't be thinking this as it's all just anxiety and by thinking these things I am making it worse. But how do I know it's just anxiety? I was never diagnosed with anxiety before.

When I think back to when these things all started, I seemed to have some kind of flu or virus, my throat was sore as was my chest and tummy. My tongue was sore too. I do remember feeling really unnerved about the symptoms. I guess that is why I am willing to believe that it could be anxiety as when most people get ill they just think "ugh I am not feeling well" where I immediately had this awful feeling that it must be some awful disease like HIV or something. From this point on I've never felt completely back to myself again. I've also found myself drinking and smoking so much more, which I am sure doesn't help. I think if people could be inside my body and feel how I feel, they wouldn't be so quick to brush me off. As my symptoms don't actually feel mental. They feel physical.

At first after the "virus" the pins and needles started, this was really unnerving, in my head I could only imagine that this must be a really bad thing. I also had really cold hands and feet and my muscles and joints all felt achy. Before long my arms started to feel like they were shaking, when I went to pick up a glass I had to concentrate to stop my hand from shaking. This was when I thought I must have something sinister like MS. These sorts of symptoms became a daily thing for me. Everyday I would wake up and at first feel relieved that I felt nothing and gradually throughout the day the symptoms would start to seep back in. It was never normal symptoms either which made everything feel more unnerving. For example my tongue began to burn it was painful and lasted for months and I constantly got swollen glands and my throat was always just that bit sore.

People got tired of me mentioning new symptoms, I don't think it was because they thought I was a hypochondriac as much as that they all already believed that it was anxiety and that by constantly worrying about everything I was only exacerbating the problem.

In my head though I can't understand it. I've stopped talking to anyone about it as I know they'll roll there eyes.

To this day I find myself twitching and jerking when I lie in bed. I can't swallow things properly as it feels as though there is a hole at the back of my throat and makes me choke, even just on my saliva. Sometimes it feels like there's a lump in my throat too. Recently I feel like I'm getting some pain in my chest and like I can't breathe properly.

I guess what I've found the hardest to understand is how did this "anxiety" happen? I don't remember feeling anxious at the time when I got ill. I know I definitely had a virus initially, though why have I never recovered? Have I just worried myself into an anxious state? If I could tell my body to stop giving me such horrible symptoms I know that my head would get better, but I think my body thinks the opposite; when my head gets better then it will heal.

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