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l have suffered all my life with Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder. Every day when l wake up ( l'm lucky if l have more than 3 hours sleep any night ) but in the morning my nerves are shattered and shredded , l am shaking right through my inside and too petrified to move. I always forced myself to get up and go to work up until l retired but still then had to fight this fear, terror, paralysing , crippling , horrendous nervous feeling !!! I'm on so many drugs, l'm just about 70 and have been on meds since l was 15. I've had a bad heart for 30 years, l've had 2 major heart attacks with cardiac arrest, l've had a heart ablation where l had my extra electrical pathways Lasered out of my heart. I had a Triple Heart By Pass and my Main Aorta which was in a badly degenerating condition and my surgeon Mr Tang said it had been leaking for 20 years, he managed to salvage it( the alternative would have been a pigs valve) it is still leaking a tiny bit, 14 months after that my 4 th Heart Artery which was perfectly clear when he By passed my others was badly clogged and l had a Polylactide Biodegradable Scaffold inserted into it( the Scaffold is the newest most modern kind of Stent)The Cardiologists were flabbergasted that it had clogged up so badly in such a relatively shirt space f time. l still have Angina and have medicine every day to prevent it. When l had my Triple By Pass Mr Tang had a Dialysis team in Theatre because l have EndStage 5 Kidney Failure, which has been getting worse over last 8 years. I have Kidney Dialysis every Tuesday , Thursday and Saturday afternoons 1pm to 6.30 pm. I also have bad Arthriis in my hips and knees and degenerated thinning of the discs in my spine, l've lost 2 inches off my height, l'm now 4'10" small !!! LoL. I've seen so many psychiatrists, psychologists,,CPNs, Counsellors, Doctors, Specialists , have so many drugs it just incredible but nothing rids me of the horrendous fear that ruins my life. I can cope with my Arthritis , My Heart Disease, My Kidney Failure, it may sound strange to be more frightened of illness in my head and nerves throughout my body than l am of potentially fatal,Heart Disease, l did die twice, l can live with terminal Kidney Failure, there is no cure, it's just having my life prolonged by a machine, this nay sound frightening to a lot of people especially people with needle and/or blood phobias like some if my fellow patients are, all that is easy for me even though our needles are massively long and wide and there is lots of blood. I'm so lucky that these things don't bother me. But the nerves that l have . The constant churning tummy, nausea( which is a CKD symptom anyway, it's just double trouble !!! I can't go on living with these nerves, l seriously think the only way to,rid myself of it is to commit suiciide !!! It is that bad and my Paranoia which l recognise l suffer with, only makes it all worse because l think l'm worthless and no one would miss me. People talk about me behind my back and don't really like me. This extends t my Family and my Dialysis Nurses and fellow patients !!! I went to the Doctor ( l had never seen this one before) well as soon as l mentioned what was wrong he was rushing me out if the surgery, he stood up and opened the door waiting while l put my coat on and picked my bag up , l don't think l'd been in a minute !!! The only thing that prevents me up to now from Suicide is the thought if failing, l'm so accustomed to,so many masses I of pills for my Bi Polar, my Heart, My Kidneys, my Blood Pressure and Arteries that l'm immune and l'd have to have enough to knock 6 Horses out ,) the fear of failure is what keeps me alive as well as my Dialysis. I'm not on the Transplant list, l hoped one of my children would offer me one just so that l could be magnanimous and say "" No Thankyou Darling you can keep your Kidneys you may need them one day !!! But none of them have offered so l see how much they love me indeed.
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