Anxiety

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l have suffered all my life with Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder. Every day when l wake up ( l'm lucky if l have more than 3 hours sleep any night ) but in the morning my nerves are shattered and shredded , l am shaking right through my inside and too petrified to move.  I always forced myself to get up and go to work up until l retired but still then had to fight this fear, terror, paralysing , crippling , horrendous nervous feeling !!!  I'm on so many drugs, l'm just about 70 and have been on meds since l was 15. I've had a bad heart for 30 years, l've had 2 major heart attacks with cardiac arrest, l've had a heart ablation where l had my extra electrical pathways Lasered out of my heart. I had a Triple Heart By Pass and my Main Aorta which was in a badly degenerating condition and my surgeon Mr Tang said it had been leaking for 20 years, he managed to salvage it( the alternative would have been a pigs valve) it is still leaking a tiny bit, 14 months after that my 4 th Heart Artery which was perfectly clear when he By passed my others was badly clogged and l had a Polylactide Biodegradable Scaffold inserted into it( the Scaffold is the newest most modern kind of Stent)The Cardiologists were flabbergasted that it had clogged up so badly in such a relatively shirt space f time.  l still  have Angina  and have medicine every day to prevent it. When l had my Triple By Pass Mr Tang had a Dialysis team in Theatre because l have EndStage 5 Kidney Failure, which has been getting worse over last 8 years. I have Kidney Dialysis every Tuesday , Thursday and Saturday afternoons 1pm to 6.30 pm. I also have bad Arthriis in my hips and knees and degenerated thinning of the discs in my spine, l've lost 2 inches off my height, l'm now 4'10" small  !!! LoL. I've seen so many psychiatrists, psychologists,,CPNs, Counsellors, Doctors, Specialists , have so many drugs it just incredible but nothing rids me of the horrendous fear that ruins my life. I can cope with my Arthritis , My Heart Disease, My Kidney Failure, it may sound strange to be more frightened of illness in my head and nerves throughout my body than l am of potentially fatal,Heart Disease, l did die twice, l can live with terminal Kidney Failure, there is no cure, it's just having my life prolonged by a machine, this nay sound frightening to a lot of people especially people with needle and/or blood phobias like some if my fellow patients are, all that is easy for me even though our needles are massively long and wide and there is lots of blood. I'm so lucky that these things don't bother me. But the nerves that l have . The constant churning tummy, nausea( which is a CKD symptom anyway, it's just double trouble !!!  I can't go on living with these nerves,  l seriously think the only way to,rid myself of it is to commit suiciide !!!  It is that bad and my Paranoia which l recognise l suffer with, only makes it all worse because l think l'm worthless and no one would miss me. People talk about me behind my back and don't really like me. This extends t my Family and my Dialysis Nurses and fellow patients !!! I went to the Doctor ( l had never seen this one before) well as soon as l mentioned what was wrong he was rushing me out if the surgery, he stood up and opened the door waiting while l put my coat on and picked my bag up , l don't think l'd been in a minute !!!   The only thing that prevents me up to now from Suicide is the thought if failing, l'm so accustomed to,so many masses I of pills for my Bi Polar, my Heart, My Kidneys, my Blood Pressure and Arteries that l'm immune and l'd have to have enough to knock 6 Horses out ,) the fear of failure is what keeps me alive as well as my Dialysis. I'm not on the Transplant list, l hoped one of my children would offer me one just so that l could be magnanimous and say "" No Thankyou Darling you can keep your  Kidneys you may need them one day !!! But none of them have offered so l see how much they love me indeed. 

 

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    Dear Mo

    I am so sorry to read about all your medical problems on top of your horrific anxiety.

    I too have Severe Anxiety like you, worse in the mornings.

    My doctor is trying me on an old anti-depressant Amitriptyline. Very low dose to start 1/4 of 10mg tab increasing weekly by 1/4 up to whole tablet. I'm currently up to 1/2 2 hours before bed and 1/4 in the morning. Can make you feel a bit tired in the morning but soon wears off. Seems to be helping.

    Perhaps you could have another chat with your doc. You really need to get something for the anxiety. There are a number of pill made especially for anxiety now.

    Insist your doctor listens to you or change doctors.

    Hugs and much healing thoughts being sent to you.

    Evie

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    • Posted

      Dear Evelyn 59. I have 4 different meds for my Bi Polar and Borderline Personality Disorder both of which l have suffered all my life. For as long as l can remember and l'm 70 now. I have Amitriptyline 10mg at night. I have Mirtazapine 45mg at night. I have Clonazepam 500microgram at night and Valporate Semisodium 500 mg in the morning and 500 mg at night.  I have got a superb Doctor and a bright, modern, responsive Community Psychiatric Nurse. I've been in Psychiatric Hospital a number of times. I have been having Psychiatric care since l was 26 but was first put on Anti Depressants and Tranquillizers when l was 15, that's 55 years that l have been on many many different kinds of drugs and in the old days the psychiatric drugs were Barbaric !!!  They did terrible things to the mind and body bug in those days no one dreamed of contradicting or not doing what their Doctors told them to do or to take. In January 1973 my GP put me on a drug called Ativan, within six weeks l was absolutely addicted and went through the following 17 years living in a nightmare of cyclic periods of hyper manias and horrendous withdrawals. Every time l tried to stop taking it , usually by going Cold Turkey, the Withdrawals which are worse than death( and l have actually died twice with major heart attacks ) so l know what l'm talking about. Because l was on a cocktail of other drugs as well as the Ativan and the Lithium all my blood tests for Over Active Thyroid which my Doctor thought l also had , were coming back inconclusive, it was only after l reduced myself off of the Lithium after 8 years on it that the blood tests showed up that l did indeed have Overactive Thyroid. This was a terrible thing. I went everywhere walking at what felt like 100 miles an hour. I walked the streets and countryside at all times of the night because when l sat or lay down my body kept on moving. A horrendous feeling. I was out onto Carbimazole and it did help to slow my Thyroid. I worked all my life. My husband and l also lived with and looked after all our parents , unfortunately they all died young at 61 years of age. For all my parents could only show violence towards me l didn't ever judge them and l loved them, my husband loved them. We looked after them and were happy to, and we worked and brought up our children .  We have 3 wonderful children now aged 49, 43 and 38 who are a credit to us, they're beautiful, giving, caring, loving people. Who have given us 3 wonderful children in law and 5 spectacular Grandchildren. Because they grew up living with me their mother with mental illness they grew into most compassionate and understanding human beings. I had a terrible physical, mental and emotionally abusive childhood and vowed that if l had a family they would be loved and treasured and told so. And they have been.  I was extremely mentally ill, all through my life but fought a battle to survive every single day. I'm still fighting my demons. Besides having a lovely Family l also have the best friends in the world. They've walked beside me through thick and thin, never deserting me or letting me down. I love them so much and l'm so lucky. All my physical problems which l wrote about previously and you read, my heart disease and all the procedures I've had performed on it, my End stage 5 terminal Kidney Disease ( l won't get a Transplant ) my Arthritis in my hips, knees and spine, all these physical ailments are easy for me to cope with because what goes on in my head us far worse than all that put together.  My black, terrifying, despairing, hopeless , crippling moods and depressions with horrendous Paranoia are just Hell on earth. I'm sick and tired of struggling with them, of keeping up my public face cos l don't want to inflict myself on anyone. My Family and Friends love me regardless, they don't judge, they love me and even though a lot of them can't understand they love me and just accept me without question cos they know l love them. My favourite 3 little words which l say over and over to those l love, every day of my life. I get exhausted keeping up a facade of geniality but l do have a brilliant undying sense of humour and as l said to my ex husband ( who is also my next door neighbour) on our way to the fracture clinic cos at Christmas l broke my right arm for the second time, l said to him,"" If I ever lose my sense of humour will you shoot me ??!!!LoL.  Part of my Bi Polar as well as the Depressions are my Manias !!!  They are as hard to cope with as the depressions cos l'm just totally over the top !!!  My nick name in our Renal Unit where l have my Dialysis is ""Trouble !!" I get absolutely exhausted.  I can't keep up with myself and all the other people who live in my head, it's very crowded in there !!! I crave peace in my mind !!!  I can relax my body but never my brain !! 24/7 it just goes on and on and won't leave me alone. My CPN is great, she listens as well as talks , she is empathetic . I've had so many CPNs during my life but there is so much inconsistency, they all seem to either take a promotion or retire early. It's just been a succession one after the other. I had a terrible one from 1985 to 1988. !!!!   One of the first things he told me was about  how he had affairs with his patients. I was soooooooooooo poorly at that time, l've mellowed in recent years even though l'm still very bad, well he eventually had me contemplating suicide, luckily l was rescued just in time. In 1987 just before l left that doctors practise my doctor asked me if l was going to sue him over the amount of drugs that he had given me especially the Ativan that l was addicted too. I told him no because hundreds of other Ativan Addicts and myself were sueing Wyeth, the producers of Ativan and litigation had already been underway for 2 and a half years. Unfortunately Margaret Thatcher altered the Legal Aid system and we all lost our rights to it, we were all devastated. I moved Doctors Practices at this time and it was discovered that my Medical Records were lost !!! The first 43 years of my life's Medical Records are still out there somewhere but no one could ever find them. My new life began in 1989. It was at this time , after 2 years with Janet my brilliant Drug Counsellor that l managed to get off Atuvan. Janet helped me . We got the Atuvan inLiquid Suspension form and with Oral Syrunges l managed over 2 and a half years reducing my a tiny tiny millionth of a milligram each day to finally get off it and on October 9th 1989 ( my best friends birthday) to take my last tiny minuscule drop of Atuvan. I marked that day down as my second birthday !!! Every one of my Family and Friends who knew were so very proud of me cos what l had achieved was of gargantuan proportions !!!!  Anyone who knew the hells l'd been through and been through it with me ( and still are  to this day walking beside me !!! ) knew l was free of it at last. It had cost us our marriage, l was so ill and l used to attack my husband and try to kill him so it was either murder or marriage  ??!! I divorced him 30 years ago , 1986,  He didn't go far bless him, only 5 minutes walk or 2 minute drive and he came round everyday. We went out together and on holiday together( I was always well tranquillised before l could leave home , and all the time l'd we'd be away. My Panic Attacks have always been mega horrendous, living nightmares !!!  He's brought me back from many different places cos l'd be panicking and hyperventilating sooo much, so badly, l always carried brown paper bags with me and tranquillisers where ever we went. I would have panic attacks playing Darts in the pubs in the league with my mates and l would have to leave and run like the wind with fear, fright and flight !!! I have never been afraid out in the dark, external possible threats didn't bother me it was the fear of what is and was inside my head that l was afraid of. If anyone had attacked me my massive amounts of excess Adrenalin would gave given me the strength of ten men and l'd have done them some damage. After we had been divorced for 3 years my ex asked me to get a gaged to him again, and we did on the 5th if May 1990. We never remarried. I ended up alone in the house l was born in and where our parents us and or children lived. He suggested that l put my name on the council list for one of the little bungalows either side of him, and 7 years gone October 9th ( again my best friends birthday) l moved into here. The previous tenant went into an elderly people's residential home. I 

       

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      I'm happy here and it's good for all our Family having us together as neighbours for all their visits, l'm only 2 minutes away from our hospital with my Renal Unit for my Dialysis, the Cardiac Unit for my heart and KentmerecWard, the Psuchiatric Ward. And Garburn House very close by , that's the out patents Psuchiatric unit. I'm very lucky as l only have a 2 minute journey to hospital for my Dialysis, most of the other patients have an hour to an hour and a half journey here. At 70 l can't see my Character changing but l am more mellow compared to the mad woman that l was from as young as l can remember. I knew l was different from that very early age. I'm a talented writer of Poetry and Shirt stories and have been published in Articles as cried from The Shooting TimesMagazine, through an array of books to to Daily Newspapers ( which l have never subscribed to only borrowed when l had something to say  !!!  I've had to fight not only to retain my sanity but also my self worth and esteem because although l was a high achiever l had it constantly mentally and physically beaten unto me that l was "" Bloody Useless !!!"" When you're told that everyday of your life you do believe it and it is such a strong belief l became my own worst enemy because l'm relentlessly hard  on myself !!! It's easy to love my Family and Friends but impossible to like myself. So you see my meds are sorted out, l am doing the best l can and my goal in life is just to love my Family and Friends and see them happy. Their  worries are my worries, if they are unhappy then so am l . I want everyone around me to be happy and healthy and to know , as they do , that l'm always here for them. I just want to love . With my mind it goes far beyond Anxiety, it's extremely complex and complicated. After 50 years my ex husband still has not got the slightest insight into Depression, Anxiety, Fear , Paranoia or any thing else to do with the mind. To him a Spades a Spade and everything is black and white, there are no inbetweens !!! He doesn't know how to worry or be afraid  !!!!  We have a car between us and both buy Deisel.  l gave up driving years ago.He takes me everywhere l need to go. Hospitals here there and everywhere. Shopping, To see Family, for a run in the Country, etc etc.  He puts up with me and why l'll never know . 3 weeks after my first major heart attack it was my birthday and he wrote on my Birthday card "" Glad you are still here !!!""" I thought it was wonderful, the most romantic thing ever and l will treasure it always.  You mentioned about not being satisfied with my Dictor and changing. Well the doctor l had for 23 years emigrated to Australia 2 years ago and we keep in touch via EMail and text and when she comes over she visits me, The doctor who took her place is fantastic and we've become good friends. He is young , modern in his thinking, gets relaxed and in no way austere and stern like the doctors were when we were children, my mother practically curtsied when she took us to see them . I have recently been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disirder because if the shocking an horrendous treatment l had to endure for so many years. I knew l had it long ago but the CPN I was assigned to for years was so innefctual and unresponsive it was like talking to the wall. My Daughter used to come and see him with me sometimes and she couldn't provoke a response out of him either. In fact when l hit 65 l was transferred to "" The  Department of Psychiatric Care for the Elderly ""  !!!!   Well l might just as well have been dumped on the rubbish heap. He would often nit ring when he said he would, or not call at my home when he said he would. I've been in hospital. Begging and pleading for someone to see me if he wouldn't come !!! He would say he'd come or he'd send someone else , l'd wait but he'd never turn up. One day l was in Dialysis and our Daughter was coming in  to see me, as she reached our Unit He came out if the psychiatric  Unit  next door, our Daughter stopped him and practically frog marched him in to see me , it would have been funny if l hadn't been so desperate  !!  He stood by my bed and didn't know what to say when l spoke to him., Eventually he promised that he would ing me and make a date to see me at home !!! Of course he never did , he often told me that thy were short staffed and that was why he hadn't time for me  !!!  The truth of it was that we just did not have one ounce of affinity, we just didn't gel !!!  My CPN now is as l said earlier, fantastic and l feel much safer now. I know that if l am in hospital and need her she will come as well as seeing me regularly , that gives me confidence.    We mentioned our meds earlier and you were saying l should maybe find a different doctor who changed my meds. Perhaps after reading all this you will see why l'm stuck with what l'm happy with.  as well as my "" Head Meds"" as l call them, l have 2 different meds for my heart, Clopidogrel and Bisoprolol, , l have meds Isosorbide Mononitrate every morning to stop Angina Attacks, I have meds to strengthen my bones cos l have  Bone disease caused by my Kidney Disease, l have meds to protect my stomach, l have permanent anti biotics  Cefalexin and Co amoxiclav because l've had 15 Water Infections in 16 months, also cased by my Kidney Disease. I have Quinine to prevent Cramp during Dialysis cos it hurts like hell and l can't get off my bed cos l've got my needles in. I have Paracetamol and Dihydrocodeine pain killers  to ease the pain of my Arthritis, l have Rosuvastatin because l'm prone to making plaque in my hearts arteries and l'm not keen on taking them because l got it into my head that they disturbed my  head meds !!! My Cardiologists, Dr Coupe and Dr Brodison had asked my Doctor to try to persuade me to take my Statin because l'm phenomenal quick at making plaque so he said ""Please Please will you go back on your Statins and he pointed out as had my Family and Friends that  l'd  still been having Depressions and Paranoia etc. when l wasn't taking my Statins, so l went back on them. I have terrible trouble with my Bowels, l have since l ad children but in April 1993 l had a major operation , a Haemorrhoidectomy to remove a lot of inside and outside Piles. It was absolutely horrendous and the Surgeons carved my Bottom up like meat on a Butchers block !!!  It was Bestial what they did to me and l have had trouble every day of my life since. I can't go into detail but imagine the worst and you'd still be way out, just absolute Tragic and Traumatic Hell  !!!!   I have Suppositories, creams, lotions. At least 5 different ones for different parts and all over my body. One of the affects of  Kidney Disease is dreadful itching all over the body  !!!  Anyone watching would think we'd got nuts or body lice, the itching drives me round the bend. Because our Kidneys don't function we are restricted to a fluid intake of one litre only per day. That includes milk in tea and on cereal, soup, drinks we take our pills with, ice lollies, any fluid. We have a special diet of what we are and aren't allowed to eat. I call it my Kidney Bible !!! I have practically no appetite and have awful nausea 70% of my time. I have what is called a Fistula in my arm. I had a small operation where an artery and a vein inside my left elbow were joined together and they grew big and long into a Fistula which is an access sure for the needles to go into during Dialysis , one takes the blood out it goes round through the machine and back in through the other needle. They aren't the tiny needles that they use for blood tests or injections, they are very long and wide and gave to go completely into the Fistula, it can be very painful but it doesn't bother me, l'm lucky cos some patients are terrified of needles or blood or both.  We have lost 7 of our patients this year. 4 of them couldn't rake it anymore and had had enough so they all stopped their Dialysis and within 10 days each one was dead. The other 3 were still on but had complications !!!  Well you'll be fed up by now. So goodnight. Keep well. Mo Trouble 
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    • Posted

      Hi Mo

      You are a very brave, kind loving woman and you seem to know more about your health than the medical profession do!

      I wish you well and hope that you continue to find your way through life as best you can and with the help of your loving family.

      God bless and my prayers are with you.

      Evie

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    • Posted

      Dear Evie. Thankyou for your kind words of encouragement , they mean a lot to me. I wish you good health and strength and that your problems can be treated in a good way with understanding and positivity. Be safe , be well as you can and may you encounter Doctors and Nurses who have your welfare at heart. Best Wishes, Mo 
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