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Over the past 2 weeks I've been getting anxiety over my health. First was physical health where I've been thinking I'm getting a heart attack. I've been having panic attacks and have 3 trips to the surgery. After being looked over and everything is fine, I feel better. Well I thought I did until I started getting anxious over my mental health.
I feel reading and hearing things just make it that 10x worse.
Coming across something on Facebook about a girl with schizophrenia, I read a line "The voices she was hearing scared her." So I started to get scared... Thinking, do I hear voices? Is this internal voice actually to do with a mental health issue? What if I start to hear horrible voices telling me to do things? I've been trying to brush it off and not think about it and after calming down, I know that I obviously don't have a mental health issue. (Just writing this I'm shaking and overthinking this again.)
And this is the part which I'm worrying about the most.
Me and my boyfriend were watching The Purge. A film about legal crime once a year. Mostly about murder. Throughout the film I was thinking: How could someone actually be okay with killing someone? I was trying to put myself in their shoes and I was so confused as to how someone could be okay with killing another human. What goes on in their head? How can they think that's okay? How could you live with yourself hurting someone else?
Then... I was holding my cuticle clippers because I was doing my nails whilst watching the film. And a random thought came in my head- "What if I just stabbed my boyfriend with this?" I pictured the image and knew it was completely bizzare, out of the blue and worst off, just a very bad thought. Why would I get a sick thought like that? So I tried to shoo it away. But only for it to come back stronger and lingered and repeated to the point where I thought "Am I about to go insane, lose my mind and stab him without my control!?" And thinking that I may, I completely panicked, put the tool in the drawer and ran to the bathroom. I was trembling trying to get rid of these thoughts that I may be going insane. That I might lose my mind and go killing people without my control. These absolutely disgusting thoughts are not who I am, and I don't want to ever go insane and hurt people.
But worst off, why am I thinking of stabbing my boyfriend? The man I love? The man who has done nothing to ever negative to me to make me want to hurt him in any way. The man who loves me, spoils me and takes care of me when I'm anxious. The past few days I've needed him by my side to keep me at ease but now I've felt like I've needed to keep him away because I'm scared of these thoughts. The thoughts that I'm thinking and I could possibly go insane and actually kill him.
And to make it worse, I'm not getting these thoughts over anyone else, only him. I see a photo of us and that irrational thought keeps popping up. Just even me actually thinking these thoughts make me feel like there's something wrong with me, even if I don't go insane.
I'm trying to rationalise these thoughts by saying: Maybe it's just because last I was with him, we watched a murder film so these thoughts are just lingering. Obviously I don't actually want to hurt him in anyway. Of course I don't, I love him
But they do keep popping up. I suppose like a flashback? I see a photo of me and him and the thought will pop up and scare me. I'm sure it is just a shock so I'm getting flashbacks. But I honestly want this to go away. The more they keep coming back, the more I irrationally think I'm slowly going insane and I'm eventually going to think of it so much that I'll do it.
I know that sounds so stupid. My Mothers been consoling me, giving me examples of irrational thoughts. One of hers is thinking me or my brother has had a crash in the car if we don't reply to her texts. And then she thinks about what could of happened and pictures the scene etc. But mine is about MURDER. The sickest thing a thought could give you.
I do tell myself "These thoughts are fine and normal. It's just a response to anxiety and other people get them too. I am sane and well and there is no way a thought can take over my body." But sometimes that's not enough to keep me calm. They slightly pop up during the day and I quickly do something to get rid of the negative thoughts.
I have read up on people getting similar thoughts of getting a mental illness and feel like they're going to go insane so at least I don't feel so alone. I haven't read up on anyone getting thoughts of killing a loved one so that makes me anxious again and makes me feel alone. I honestly feel disgusted in myself. That is the complete opposite of who I am.
I've been avoiding any social media or films that has anything negative that may trigger me into horrible thoughts.
I need to speak to someone... I need someone to tell me this is okay, normal and possibly give me a reason why I'm thinking this way. And someone to help me think differently and help these thoughts fade.
I'm just so scared because I can't even be horrible to someone by being rude, let alone kill someone. Why would I get a thought like that? It's not who I am. It's not even a supressed subconscious thought, I could never physically hurt someone.
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