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I'm in my early 20s and still living at home (don't let my username confuse you, sorry haha)
I live in a tiny, crappy apartment with my parents. We live in a noisy suburb. I grew up in the quiet countryside, and this has been hard for me to adapt to this louder, fast paced lifestyle.
I have to work downtown and take the bus in. The bus is very loud, the engine, and the people talking loudly in the morning. I get very angry at this and want to scream at them to stop. I'm trying to listen to music, and I can hear their voices even with my music playing.
My apartment is noisy because the walls are hollow and the floor is rickety. Every time my mom walks, she stomps like an elephant and it shakes the floor making a loud thumping noise. My bedroom is right next to the bathroom, so I can hear the shower every morning at 4:30am and 6am and it wakes me up and keeps me awake. The water rushing thru the pipes, sloshing in the tub, the shower curtain scraping the metal pole opening and closing. It sounds like the apartment is falling apart, it's that loud. If you put your ear to the ground and have your friend stomp right beside you, that's what normal walking sounds like. And it's worse because my mom walks really hard.
My town is ALWAYS ON. All day on the weekends people are running their lawn mowers, there's construction every day of the week beginning at 7am, and there's constant traffic during the day.
Nothing is every quiet. Every single day, 24 hours, there is someone making some awful noise.
Work is quiet (I work in an office), but I have anxiety of getting yelled at. The people I work with are very nice, but my past jobs instilled a fear in me, that if I'm not doing something I'll be yelled at. I know these people probably wouldn't do that to me, and it's an extremely low pressured job, but I still get scared.
Growing up and today, my mother has NEVER validated my feelings. When I've told her that I'm sad or scared or anxious, she always said "No you're not! Suck it up! It's all in your head" and then moves on, ignoring my feelings.
I also panic about not having enough time. My job is very low stress, but working 9-5 is driving me insane. I am having extreme nightmares (terrors) of hurrying. Like right now I am freaking out typing all of this because I only have 10 minutes before I have to get ready (in a hurry) to get to work. My heart beats very fast and sometimes I even feel nauseous.
When it comes to my anxiety, these loud noises and having to hurry instantly give me headaches and a rapid heartbeat. I get headaches every day and my heart has been beating faster than usual lately. I always am clenching my jaw/teeth when I'm awake and asleep. Ever since I began this job in August, my anxiety is constantly running. Before, I would get short anxiety attacks once in a great while. But now it happens every day.
I never felt stressed or hurried when I was in college (other than normal stress over a test or something). I felt great living on my own at college, except I hated living with other people because they gave me anxiety. But if I lived completely alone, I think I'd be better off.
I don't know what to do about my feelings towards work either. It's a low stress job, but I freak out about having to be there 8 hours. I just want to do what I want which is write and make videos. I feel like i have no time for myself. I get home around 5pm, and by the time I shower and get things ready for the next day, it's 8pm (I take a long time to do things), and I have to go to bed around 10.
My life feels like one big nightmare. I want to quit my job so bad but I need the money. Should I try to find a part time job? I was so content being unemployed (I sound like a loser, I know) because I didn't have to worry about time.
I don't have health insurance until January (hopefully) so I can't talk to a psychiatrist or anything right now. I don't know what to do. I can't go on living like this.
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