Anxiety & depression
Posted , 2 users are following.
Hi my name is Laura and I am 28 years old well actually I turn 29 on Sunday.i am sorry this is probably a huge huge post but I really wanted to share! Anyways here it goes.... I've always had insecurities pretty much all my life but I always found a way to manage them. I never felt beautiful but I knew I had to be some sort of pretty since I always made it to the "popular" group during HS yet I always kept to myself and wished I was more like the other girls. I guess it had a lot to do with the fact that I lived in another country without my parents but with my aunts. Even though I loved them dearly I never thought they'd understand what I was going through so I bottled all my insecurities in and acted the way others acted and did what was common in the popular group.
As I grew older I became more in control of my life and began to notice how powerful I really was I became this person everyone loved and wanted to be around. I worked out, worled two jobs, and just began to appreciate life my friends and family. It was a good time for me and I loved my life and how positive I was. I never worried about binge going wrong I knew someway I was going to make the best out of it. I had goals, and at the time I was saving up to own my own daycare and I promised myself by 28 I was going to make it happen (I was 26 at the time) Since I had two jobs my daytime job money was to pay my bills(daycare I worked at) and everything I made at my night time job (bartender) I saved.
Anyways, I met this guy who I instantly fell in love with, we rushed things and before you know it we were living together. Everything about this guy was perfect I loved how masculine he was, how he cared about what I wore and didn't mind helping me choose an outfit, how he had similar goals and now it was "our" goals. All my life I got so focused on me and doing things for me for once I didn't have to do it alone. I really thought we were going to built an empire together but you can already imagine that wasn't the case. Things just went down south , i have found myself in an abusive relationship. My life slowly stop being about me and more about him. I had to make him happy I didn't want him to be disappointed In me. I needed to make sure the house was clean and spotless and his son was well taken care off on top of that I had to make sure I had energy to work my two jobs it was very exhausting and no matter what I did nothing made him happy I could spend hours cleaning and reorganizing the house and he'll pick on that one thing I didn't do. I began to gain weight to the point stand looking at myself in the mirror. & every time I tried leaving it became impossible he had me believing this is life and this is what every relationship goes through but no one really tells anyone. I would constantly get choked or slammed and once even punched really bad to the point that I almost lost my night job and the crazy part is that I always stood because he was very sorry and he wanted a better future for us and we were going to accomplish our dreams. At the end I knew it was time to go especially when I checked his phone and found so many text messages etc but it was hard to leave w out a fight and when I grabbed all my money I had saved for my daycare he had already taken it 50,000 in cash. So I had to leave with out it & till this day it's going to be 3 years I still can't get over it and I hate him for that especially because I am not the same person I was. I always feel like people look down on me and judge me and even at my night job I feel like I lost respect because of that situation. No matter how high my sells are I never get credit they only notice when I can't cover someone or if I do something wrong. I hate how I look and I now adapted a new habit of drinking to numb this feeling. Constantly I think about what he used to tell me which is every man cheats, no one is going to take me serious because I am just a bartender and no one really wants anything serious with me I am only good for one night, how I am never going to get the daycare and how no matter how much I leave we were going to end up together. So all this haunts me daily I don't feel like I fit in at work I constantly feel like I am being laughed on or they are judging my body or finding something negative about me. I struggle with this on a daily basis I even stay distant from my friends because I feel like I am not good enough since all I ever do is work and maybe I just a bartender. As much as I try to stay positive it gets so hard to look at the bright side especially because I can't speak to anyone about this I just sound crazy
I just want to be happy again but honestly I lost all hope, my negative thoughts take over and when I am finally thinking positive anything someone says negative my thoughts take over. Help please!
1 like, 3 replies
Dav39 lauraboo
Posted
Hi Laura, sorry to hear about the problems that you've had to deal with. It certainly sounds as if you've been through a lot. Anyone going through such a hard time is bound to be affected by it, after all we're only human. It sound as if you're suffering from anxiety/depression which is common and very much treatable.
Pleased to hear that you've removed yourself from that abusive situation (if I've understood correctly). It does sound as if you could do with some extra help. Have you thought about therapy/counselling at all? It does help and will get you to a point in which you can move beyond what has happened in the past and looking forward. It's a bit cliché I know but you're only 29 and you've still your whole life ahead of you and plenty to look forward to.
Obviously I don't know you from Adam, but you sound like a nice person and one who I'm sure has plenty to offer in a future relationship. You're going through a rough patch which a lot of people go through and you can get through it.
lauraboo Dav39
Posted
Thank you for replying! I have gone to counseling but It hasn't really worked out. I am considering going back because I can't deal with this feeling any longer. There's times I want to take NyQuil and just sleep all day just so I can avoid all my negative thoughts. I hate feeling unworthy, dumb and just stuck. & I want something so bad (daycare) and it's taking me so long to accomplish it that sometimes it feels maybe its impossible and knowing I could have had it really doesn't help. As of My X yes we did break up but he's not out of my life entirely/ he'll show up at my daytime job or he sends me a text telling me he loves me and not to fight it because we are eventually going to be together sometimes he calls me threatening me that I better not be with another guy he'll take pictures of my car not being at my driveway to question me of where I am at. and as much as I want things to change I feel so low that I feel like this will be my life forever I have tried to work on it but I can't deal with worrying about if I am good or not if he approves my outfit or if he's going to get mad at me for wearing too much makeup. Yet I don't know how to cheer up or stop letting my emotions control me. Sometimes I feel so dramatic and maybe I am but it still doesn't change the fact that I feel horrible But again thank you for your kind words
Dav39 lauraboo
Posted
It seems pretty clear what's stopping your progress and that's your ex. You need to cut the chord and tell him to get lost. It's clear that he's the one stopping you from getting on with your life. If he's harassing you then you need to contact the police and get a restraining order. It'll be difficult to get your life back on track whilst he's still clinging onto you. Its all about the control for people like him, rather than love. You don't abuse people that you love. Taking pictures of your driveway is stalking and you really do need to contact the police as that really is not ok. Honestly, you have the power/ability to effect your life positively and cutting complete contact from that lowlife will change your life for the better.