Anxiety/depression or abusive relationship?

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I have suffered with a mild form of depression for the last couple of years. I was with a boyfriend who wasn't very nice to me however I saw sense and got out. I met someone new and fell deeply in love, even moving in to his house pretty quickly. The thing is my anxiety has gradually gotten worse and my confidence and self esteem is slowly diminishing also. I feel worthless a lot of the time, am isolating myself from friends and my confidence in work. What I can't figure out is if im doing this to myself or if my partner is contributing. My 30th birthday is coming up and I organised a party, he decided to invite people I don't even know and I questioned him he blew up saying he was doing a nice thing and why was I always negative. It was a huge argument where he told me to sort myself out because I was pushing him away. The next day he was so loving, telling me he didn't want to lose me? Am I going crazy?!

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  • Posted

    It's not really possible to answer your question from the limited information you've given, so anything I say will be a bit superficial.

    However, the one thing that struck me from your post is that you seem to be someone who perhaps doesn't have a very strong sense of who you are. I note you say you moved in with the new boyfriend shortly after meeting him. That makes me wonder whether you find it difficult to rely on your own resources.

    On the surface, it sounds as if your partner might just have been trying to cheer you up when he invited those people to your party. Then again, it would be useful to know whether he normally over-rides your wishes and decisions, which in turn raises the question of whether you depend on him too much.

    I'm not a therapist, and I don't think you'll find many of those on a patient-driven forum like this one. I'm just throwing a few ideas out there for you to chew on or spit out. Seems to me as if you really need to sit down and discuss this with someone in detail and face to face. Can you see a therapist of some kind? If you're in the UK, I know waiting lists for things like CBT can be very long in some areas, and that some GPs won't even refer. And I don't think antidressants or anti-anxiety meds would be a solution to your problem.

    Another UK possibility if you want to save your relationship is the organisation called Relate. I'm not allowed to post a link here, but google Relate and relationship, and you'll find it. It sounds as if your partner might be prepared to accompany you but it doesn't matter if he isn't. Their counsellors are quite happy to talk to just one partner in a relationship. Even if you're not in the UK, I think there are similar organisations in most western countries these days.

    Whichever route you take, I really think you need a bit of professional input to help you figure out why things seem to have gone off track recently, and to get you back to the happiness you deserve.

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for replying to me. You're correct, I feel like I've lost myself a bit in the last couple years. I came out of a long term relationship about 3 years ago (I was very happy in this relationship, and very myself) but have lost my way a bit since then. I will be the first to admit I've hopped between a couple relationships since then, presumably trying to find acceptance. This relationship isn't like that, he tends to call me out on my bull and tells me bluntly I need to stop when I'm being self destructive with my words and how I talk about myself. I guess it was a wake up call yesterday and seeing those words from yourself, about not having a sense of who I am, has really hit the nail on the head. I need to find myself again. I spoke with my partner after reading your reply (didn't tell him I'd posted in the forum though) and he is in full support of me "finding myself", even if it means me going off and doing things myself. I'm really grateful you replied, I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else before I got a grip and do something about it.
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  • Posted

    Are you in therapy? Maybe you need time to get yourself together and be independent before having to be in a relationship and living with another person? co dependency can cause a lot of issues.
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