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I’m 21, female and so fed up of living. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I know for sure I have a social anxiety disorder(GP referred me to a mental health councillor but the waiting list in my country is extremely long, I’m talking months to years, even then you get appointments only once every two to three months), but I can’t afford to go to a private one. I’ve completely ruined my life with maladaptive daydreaming. I spent my entire secondary/high school years totally convinced that I could achieve my over the top goals of writing, song writing, inventing and so on, but that didn’t work out so far (I still have hope but I’m full of self-doubt) Everything just seems so hopeless.
I went to college for a while but dropped out after about four months because my anxiety made me chicken out of turning up for work experience, I started to ditch college and eventually lost my grant. (I had no interest in the subject anyway) Now I have a clearer idea of what I want, but I’m no longer eligible for a financial aid because I dropped out of the last college. My plan is to go to a community college and study some kind of secretarial or administration course, but that’s not really what I want, that’s just a back up plan. I really want to go to art school. I just feel so trapped and suffocated in my life. I’ve been unemployed and on social welfare for the past year and I feel so ashamed of myself, it feels like I’m begging. In my country the money isn’t put into your bank account, you have to go to the post office to collect the money in person. It’s so degrading. No matter how many job applications I send out I never get a reply. Right now I’m doing some government funded course at a community centre with other unemployed young people.
I have no friends either and have never had any kind of social life. I think I may be bipolar but I’m not sure. I think my anxiety is what makes me depressed, whenever I get overwhelmed I think to myself “I wish I could just die” and I self harm too when I’m angry or stressed. I don’t cut, but I pinch, scratch and punch myself. My anxiety is never really gone when I’m confronted by something like shopping or making phone calls, but some days I feel so happy and hyper for no reason. Like I could do anything and the world is my oyster, then moments or hours later I’m crying and full of self-doubt.
There’s so much that I want to achieve, but can’t get a head start because of my lack of money. But even if I do achieve my goals, they probably won’t make me happy because I don’t think I actually care that much about anything. Also, I have commitment issues and the thought of studying one degree for four years or having the same job forever freaks me out and makes me feel suffocated.
I know it’s long, but thanks for reading. Any advice or input is appreciated.
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