Anxiety is ruining my life, don't know what to do anymore. (LONG POST)

Thanks for the response! I am not trying to fight it, I'm just trying to learn to control it. I mean, I can make the effort to do all of the stuff I mentioned that are very hard for me to do but unfortunately, I can't do the most important one, and that is getting a job. And being alone through this experience it's very hard too. There are some days when I'm feeling so down that the world could be ending tomorrow and I could not care any less. And it's so hard to pull myself out of that sadness, especially when the people around me are treating me with indifference or they are being mean.

Hi. I understand what you are saying truly I do but it's only now that I am starting to accept the anxiety and to accept the anxiety means i do not put myself under pressure by controlling it. If people comment then I say I suffer with anxiety. It's not easy it's difficult but certainly not as difficult as trying to control it. I always wanted to be normal like all the other kids. I hated them saying why are you shaking because like you I stopped doing things. Biggest mistake of my life. You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Build your confidence up each day by doing something out of your comfort zone even if its only good morning to a total stranger.

Thank you for the advice good sir, you are totally right. I have yet to learn to accept my anxiety, it's not something very easy and I guess I was and still am ashamed of it. I will try to take small steps and push myself more in the future and hopefully everything will work out in the end and I will be able to do more things.

Hello Lisa and thank you for the kind words and advice. I didn't know about the kids of alchoolics groups and I haven't even think about ptsd. Somewhere deep down I always knew that my father was the reason for my anxiety, because he always scared me with his behavior since I was a little kid. He never showed me any kind of affection or love and wouldn't let my mother do it either in his presence. It's true, I can't bring myself to forgive him, honestly, right now I think I'll never will. For me, he's like a stranger and I really don't feel anything for him besides hate. I can't even stand his presence, whenever I know it's time for him to come home my mood would change instantly and my anxiety would grow. And as long as I am forced to live in his house, I don't know if I will be able to get better.

However, I don't hate or blame myself. I am aware of the fact that I have no fault for being born in this family or for the treatment my father gave me. I actually have a very good opinion about myself, I know I am a good person and I am capable to understand what I am going through. But I guess I haven't yet learned to accept my affection and to pay less attention to it. And that is what consumes me the most. And again, being alone through this process makes it more difficult. Having someone to listen and support you in tough times, sometimes can make a big difference.

I tried anxiety support groups on many sites but everyone seemed to know everyone for months or years and they had their own topics to talk about. They didn't pay much attention to new members. I tried one on one support but the other person seemed very distant and not really relatable so that didn't work out for me either. And I even lost the number of forums I have posted. And again, I was ignored. This is the only site where I got people to respond and I'm glad I've found it.

As for the journal, I used to keep one until a few years ago. And I used to be good at writing, I wrote poetry for some years, it was a way to relieve myself. I really thought about writing a book lately about my life and what have I been through, maybe I would give it a try soon.

Again, thank you for the response and for making me see things from another perspective.

Hey! Thanks for the response and kind words! I'm 24 years old and you are right, I guess I always felt the need to explain myself and my actions. I don't know why, maybe because I'm afraid of being judge or misunderstood. I guess there are a good number of things that I do without even realising that I'm doing them until someone points them out, just like you did. And I consider this to be very helpful. I'm really trying to learn about my affection as much as I can and also, to understand why I behave like I do. I consider myself a rational person and usually I'm trying to find an explanation whenever I feel like my actions are weird or wrong or unnecessary. But I'm not able to see them all, unless someone points them out to me.

As for my relationship, well, that's another long story . When we met (through mutual friends), I wasn't in such a bad state like I am now, but still, going out and meeting his friends/family was not easy. Of course, the begining was nice and lovely, he was such a supportive and amazing person. But as the years went by, of course things have changed. (I have still to meet that person that does not change as time goes by) We both made mistakes, maybe I more than him, nobody's perfect but he changed a LOT! And one of the major thing that changed was the support he used to offer me, both physically and emotionally. Now, whenever I need him to do something for me, I have to ask him a million times and when he finally does it, he will ask for something in return or keep reminding me that "I did that for you "x" days ago". It's really annoying and frustrating, especially when I see him do the same things for others (friends or acquaintances of his) without a problem or complaint. And it'll be the same for emotional support. I can't discuss anything that I'm going through with him anymore. No matter if it's some health issue or life problem, he would dismiss me immediatly with the reply that my problem it's not that big of a deal and I'm just making it seem so and if it's health related, he would tell me that it's only in my head and that I'm actually fine.

So yeah, there are some issues between us.

Everything you are saying sounds kind of familiar to me

As for your boyfriend - You are looking to rely on him. Don't bother. Whatever you can do yourself, do and keep your demands on him to a minimum. Not to spare him, but to give you a sense of power. Later you can evaluate his suitability once you are more at ease with yourself. Right now you need to find a center.

Pity you cannot get therapy where you are. You sound receptive and could potentially benefit from psychotherapy/counselling. CBT would be helpful in teaching you to reign in your social anxiety responses.

I had this kind of exaggerated social anxiety in college. I left after 2 gruelling years. I continued my education (distance learning after I had my first child in late twenties. Nothing was lost. To this day and after extensive therapy (medication and some psychotherapy) i still get some symptoms similar to then when i am stressed  I still have trouble maintaining eye contact and if i am very tense, my facial expressions. Signing bank paperwork always gets tricky But it is no longer too noticeable. Time sorts it out if you keep practicing. Read up on it, learn what you can, do what you can. And interact with others.

I am done with therapy for the last 4-5 years but i come here, among other reasons, because there is so much to learn from interacting with others who have been through the same. Overcoming anxiety is a process. For most, it gets better as we plough along.

Continuing your education will be good. Once you are ready. You can turn this around. At any rate, job number one is to give yourself a break. Find some balance. And ge it all out. So use this place to offload. Whatever is bothering you. Lots of people will identify and some may be able to help at least a bit. x

I am so sorry you can't get therapy where you are. Is there no public healthcare assistance for people who do not have an income or not a sufficient income? I understand that even going to a doctor would be overwhelming for you, but

I'm glad to hear you are doing better! And it is very helpful talking to people that have experienced something similar at some point. It helps me understand the things that I am going through better. As well as seeing certain things from another perspective. And I'm really glad that I've found this site, because in real life, I have no one to talk to about this.

I'm trying to push myself in doing things out of my comfort zone as frequently as I can. Recently I have done one and it worked out just fine. If you ask me, I don't even know how I did it or why I was so confident in myself at the time. It was a puzzle even for me. Wish it was like that all the time. And another thing I noticed is when I am very very angy, the symptomps of anxiety are almost non existent. I mean, psychological speaking, I am feeling much more confident then. I don't know why. Have you ever experienced something like this? Or is it just me?

And unfortunately no, there is no way in getting help without the healthcare insurance. You can only hire a therapist, but they are extremely expensive! To give you an idea, for 4 or 5 sessions you will have to give all your salary money for that month. And yes, going to the doctor is overwhelming for me, but if I'd had the chance to go see a therapist, trust me, I would do it without even thinking about it. Because I want to get better not just to feel sorry for myself.

I love the fact that you consciously challenge yourself. The more successes and positive experiences you gather, the more positive reference your brain witll have and the more confidence this will give you. This is how recovery takes place over time!

Yes, those of us who have been subdued young, usually by a frightening  or overbearing parent or an unhealthy family environment in general, actually feel relief upon expressing anger. Anger decompresses us and with that we lose some of the inhibitions and actually function better. Not to say that is healthy, but it is a clear pointer to what you need to overcome. You are stifled/repressed and afraid. So the first step is finding your voice and expressing things before they begin to eat at you. Not by nagging per se, but by speaking your mind on time - before you explode. Once you find your flow you will be decompressing more naturally and slowly gain confidence and sense of balance. Takes practice. But since you are actively studying yourself I am sure that you will look for practical ways to apply your learning.

Think of things that frustrate you/annoy you/make you feel inadequate/powerless etc and see how you can approach them in different ways until you hit an approach that makes you feel satisfied/more comfortable less tense.

Think of it as a fun learning activity. Don't take yourself too seriously - remember to laugh at crazy stuff your subconscious puts you through. Maybe it will be helpful for you to know that laughter, good apetite and good sleep are the first things a psychiatrist/prychologists looks for as an indication that one is on the road to recovery. If these are not good then it is the first thing they try to address.

So let's look at those basics too - Is your diet good? And how is your apetite? Sleep?

Hey! Well, I used to do this a lot as a teenager. I would avoid confrontation and speaking my mind all the time until I couldn't take it anymore. Living in an environment where fights where happening almost everyday, I guess I just wanted a break when I was outside of home. But that's not the only reason, I was afraid too, afraid of saying something wrong, that would upset the other person so much that they will leave me. I was so afraid of being abandoned, alone and unloved. I can't say that right now I'm totally over those habits and feelings but I am definitely better. Back then I used to let those feelings consume me for days, until one day when I said to myself "why are you doing this to yourself? no one cares if you stay sad one week or one month, you are just making harm to yourself this way", and from then on, I tried my best to get rid of this habit. And I succeeded, now, whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed or extremely sad, I am doing my best to distract my attention and take my mind off of those bad thoughts. As for the speaking my mind thing, I'm still working on it. From what I've noticed, it's hard for me to do so only in front of someone who is dominant/controling/manipulator. Because they probably remind me of my father.

I'm not always taking myself too seriously, actually, sometimes I even laugh when something bad happens to me. Rather then staying angry, I like to make fun of the situation. [cheesygrin]

And now, to answer your questions, my diet was pretty bad until a few months ago. I would eat so much food and sweets that in one year I gained like 13 pounds (don't know if the conversion is right, but in kilograms that would be 6-7 kg). And being rather short, that's pretty noticeable. So about 2 or 3 months ago, after weighing myself and see how much I've put on this past year, I decided that I need to do something about it. So I started eating less and more healthy, and of course, I gave up the sweets. And in these two months I lost almost 5 pounds. (2,5 kg). So yeah, my apetite was pretty big [cheesygrin] .

Sleep is a little bit tricky/complicated. Because when I go to sleep, there is nothing to distract  me from my thoughts. And because of that, it's VERY very hard for me to fall asleep. Sometimes it would take me hours! It's so frustrating and annoying, because after a certain amount of time, my anxiety would kick in and besides the tiredness, now I would have to deal with the too hot and too cold waves, the itchiness of my skin, uneasiness and not finding a comfortable position to stay in no matter what. And let's not forget the part where my mind goes to every memory of every bad thing that happened to me in this life. From what I have noticed, the only times when I don't seem to bump into this problem is when I am very happy and at peace. But considering that those moments are very rare, I had to come up with a solution. When I'm at home, I would watch tv until I'll drift off to sleep. And when I'm at my boyfriend or somewhere without a Tv, I would try to use my imagination to create some sort of movie/play in my head to keep my mind occupied until falling asleep. This doesn't always work, but I'd give it a try anyway.

Sleep is very important - does not have to be too long, but it has to be timely and good quality. When falling asleep you may want to try blanking out your brain or doing something more productive rather than letting the noise in your head overwhelm you.

Two things that worked for me at the time (and still do on a harsh day) were blanking out the brain. Focusing on nothing at all, ignoring noise within and without and not engaging with any thought but returning to silence and dark until i am comfortable with it. This approach was ok but limited during high anxiety. So I tried another: Focusing on each inch of my body starting with toes by flexing gently and then releasing every muscle i come across moving upward. At first i could not sustain my attention to reach the top of my head and would get lost by the time i reached my lower back. But eventually i managed and now i make it to the end, relaxing every muscle and sending focused calm attention to areas without muscles until everything in my body is relaxed. I usually fall asleep immediately afterwards.

Gentle stretches before sleep also help me. Yoga stretches i learned and use to relieve accumulated tension. If i am not sleeping at least i am keeping my muscles elastic LOL

I used to have plays in my mind too while trying to fall asleep. I looked forward to those. Now I sometimes miss them but tend to fall asleep before i even start

Keep exploring. Silver lining - you will get to know yourself so well and be in a better position to take care of yourself too. x