Anxiety over job situation

Hi, first time here so please bare with me.  

I’ve been feeling down for 6 months, maybe depressed I don’t know.  I’m 35 and my wife is 36, we got married last year and all was happy and good but I changed jobs straight after and it’s been a living hell.

I’d been in my previous role for 7 years doing a type of IT support role, tbh I stumbled into it after years of being a bit rubbish. I was kicked out of 2 colleges, I have no qualifications and was sacked from my first real job in a bank after 2 years.  

After that I worked in customer services at this place and got into their systems side, I was there for 6 years and then made a leap to where I left last year.  To be honest the company where I worked was quite slow and people never left, I enjoyed it but many people there would tell me I’m young and should leave as you never learn new skills.  I didn’t feel unhappy but when enough people say it then you start thinking.   I dipped my toe in the water about 18 months ago. I wasn’t seriously looking and that’s something I regret because it meant whilst agencies would call me up I wasn’t really studying the job market.  If I had I’d gave realised I was very well paid considering the level I was at.  The place had an excellent bonus and pension too.

I guess also with the upcoming wedding I thought ‘This is it’ and if I’m gonna make a break I should do it now before we have kids.   

I had a few interviews and nothing really came up before in my own company I was asked to move to another dept for 6 months, I didn’t want to go because I knew the manager of the dept was an arsehole and people in his team had been off with stress.  Eventually I gave in and went as all senior management said I should.  It was a disaster and I lasted 7 weeks before becoming so stressed I requested to be moved back.  When I did I felt great being back in my old team and just begun to look forward to the wedding which was by then just a few weeks away.  I’d told myself around then it was probably best to sack off the external job search too.  

But then literally the day before the wedding a recruiter rings me up, I’d spoken to this guy several times before and he was smart and knew how to get into me.  I can see the tricks of these guys now but was naive at the time.  He then said he had a job, a contract at a company for a job but it was definitely going to go perm.  I don’t know why but I said alright and submitted the CV.  Next thing I have an interview the day after I return from honeymoon, I was so tired and didn’t think I’d get it and the interview was a blur.  

I was given the role on the spot and I accepted the next day.  I feel so stupid, giving up a well paid job of 7 years for a contract.  Just as I’ve got married and we are in our mid thirties wanting kids.

I had a long notice period and as it was winding down I begun to feel very bad about the situation. But told myself when I started at the new place it would be ok.  

Within a day I just knew it wasn’t for me, I’ve tried but the company I now work at are sneaky and have laid a lot of people off and treat people awfully. I have a manager I never met in my interview who I can’t stand.  I also didn’t realise how much I relied on friends at my previous place, I moved away from my home town to be with my wife where she is from and the work colleagues was pretty much my main social base.  I don’t talk to anyone at the new job.

The job has slowly been wearing me down, I’ve been replaced at the old job so there’s no chance of going back (I did try).  I have constant anxiety every day and it’s got worse for 6 months.  

What worries me is I don’t know exactly what it is, is it just the job? Fine I try to get a new one which I have been doing.  Is it the lack of social interaction? What also bothers me is we were going to try to move house soon and start a family but now I’m so worried about money and my lack of real skills I don’t know what my future looks like.  

I believe I was quite lucky in my last job, I remember the CVs flooding in as I helped my manager with my replacement and me thinking I can’t do half of this stuff.  

I know there was always a risk of staying where I was that one day I might be laid off but it’s almost as if I’ve used that as a reason to go elsewhere to upskill.  Reality is I’m a plodder who just wants an easy life and work is a means to live outside.

It’s taken me this to realise, the hard way and now I feel like I’ve jumped off a boat into the sea.  The last company was an old school Japanese family type place where no one left and I let one bad experience (which when you’re in somewhere a long time is bound to happen eventually) make me jump.

I’m so up and down, mainly down. I’ve never been like this and people are picking up on it when they see me. I was always such a happy, confident person and now I even feel suicidal at times and totally worthless.  My wife is trying to support me but feels guilty as she feels she tried to push me away from my last job to better myself.  I worry eventually if I carry on like this though I don’t know what will happen to me or our relationship. 

With regards my job I want to quit but looking for another is so hard, the stuff I was doing was pretty unique to that company so there isn’t a clear path and anything I do whilst related won’t be the same. I worry more change will make me more depressed.

I know my wife wants children and at 36 we can’t hang around much longer.  But I don’t know how I can support a family being like this.

I hate it as we never really discussed things last year, it’s like we put everything on hold for the wedding and she admits not really digging with me about why I thought about a new job.  It sounds dumb but it’s like I needed someone to spell out the risks to me.  I didn’t talk to any friends because I’ve moved away from my home town and don’t have so many now.

I feel so lost and wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up leaving me as feel I’m failing her as a useless husband.

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