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hi guys this is going to be a long one i have so much to get of my chest and just need some reassurance that im not the only one that feels like this. so my anxiety and panic attacks started about 2 years ago,but the past 6 months my anxiety has been literally taking over my life i am only 19 and worried i will never be free of this. it has caused me to lose my job and not attend university i am constantly anxious and when i have a panic attack im always SO convinced its something more severe and that im going to die. getting myself into such a state the only way out is to call an ambulance and i always feel guilty after when they tell me that nothings wrong with me its just anxiety.
I feel light headed, dizzy, tight chest, dry mouth, clammy hands and pounding heart. i am also so paranoid about my health and constantly google to self diagnose myself which only makes it worse but i cant help it! if i get a headache i am convinced its a brain tumour! im so scared of getting cancer and feel like its something waiting to happen. i am on my 6th day of sertaline the first couple of days where great but now i just feel horrible again i am only on 25mg but i am losing all hope i just want to be free of this horrendous feeling! i am lucky to have a best friend who gets bad anxiety too but not as bad as me but she somewhat understands me which helps but my family think im an attention seeker and they dont seem to understand. i feel trapped in my own mind im not living im just existing i try so hard to think positively and get on with everyday life but i just cant cope anymore. i worry about literally everything and recently my boyfriend gave me a love bight which i wasnt happy about, but now i am convincing myself that its going to turn into a blood clot and im going to have a stroke and die!
Ihave had cbt i only attended 3 sessions and then my agrophobia got really bad i couldnt leave the house to attend anymore. i honestly dont know what to do anymore i feel like theres no hope for me at all. im so stressed which also causes my whole body to ache which doesnt help. my thoughts are so irrational im constantly thinking about my health and will i ever live a normal life and be able to do things like even have kids and go on holiday i cant even imagine getting on a aeroplane and having a panic attack with no where to escape! im so fed up with this now i have changed completely as a person i used to have so much confidence i went to acting school and got good gcses, my ubringing wasnt a very good one i was put into foster care as my mum has bipolar and is schizophrenic but despite this i was a happy child, i am so worried about going mental and getting schizophrenia aswell. im not enjoying life at all i think my anxiety increased when i was 16 and got into the wrong crowed would go raving on the weekends and take mdma aswell as smoke weed. But every teen goes through a stage of wanting to try new things and i was so curious aswell. This didnt last long though i made decision to change my friendship group and stop doing drugs however i think this is where my anxiety stems from aswell as my upbringing.Also when i was 17/18 i would binge drink every weekend which i think also increased my anxiety but the only time i seem to be happy is when im drunk, which is sad. if there was a tablet i could take that had the same relaxing affect as alcohol it would be a life changer! im sick of waking up every morning and having that horrible feeling in my stomach as if its sinking. i feel like i cant breath anymore and im detached from the world.
i had always been able to cope but this past year has been the worst year of my life. its like a never ending cycle of fear and panic i have no relief! its honeslty taking over my life, some reassurance that im not the only one that feels like this would make me feel slightly better knowing im not alone but i feel like im the only one in the world that feels like this!
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