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I'm not sure where to start with this but my anxiety has got to the point where I've simply had enough of life and find it hard even leaving the house.
It all started when I decided to move to the other side of the world (from New Zealand to London). I never had severe anxiety before I arrived, I only had a few minor panic attacks for legitimate reasons.
I was fine for the first couple of months in London but slowly a culmination of all the stress of work, the daily commute, public transport, overcrowding, flatting, paying sky-high rent.. etc, it all got to me. I think what triggered it was when I was on the train home one day. As per usual, it was overcrowded, hot and uncomfortable. (If there are any emetophobics on here, I would stop reading now!) I was standing on the train squished against other people when I heard the sound of what sounded like someone throwing up - sure enough it was and as I am an emetophobic, I had the worst panic attack of my life. During peak hour, the train sometimes goes really slow or stops inbetween stations. At this time, the train had come to a complete stop inbetween stations and all I could hear was the throwing up. There was no escape, I couldn't walk away, I couldn't hop off the train, it was dark outside so I couldn't distract myself, I didn't have my headphones so I couldn't drown out the sound with music, it was hot and stuffy so I couldn't breathe, the train was packed so I couldn't just move further away. This was one of the worse experiences of my life as an emetophobic. Since then, I've had panic attacks every time I set foot on a train/bus. This started to affect my commute to work as I had to hop off half way through my journey just so I could breathe again. I then started having panic attacks at work and had to go to Accident and Emergency because I had a very bad episode. The anxiety has now caused me to quit my job as I was panicking 24/7.
I am now stuck in my bedroom trying to work from home (I'm a freelance web designer). I only go out to get groceries a couple of times a week. As I can't get public transport, I've stopped doing things I enjoy like going to the gym as there are none within walking/running distance from where I live (owning a car in London is very expensive and there is next to no parking).
I've been in London for just over 7 months and haven't really enjoyed it. I've been thinking about going back home although I was meant to be here on a two year visa. I'm here with my boyfriend and he wants to stay here for at least a year. I don't really feel like I'm living life as I never planned on moving to London to spend my day sitting in a room depressed. I just got to a stage where I had enough of panicking. What do I do? I have tried many things to help myself handle panic attacks and whatnot but I feel like the only way I can be happy is living in an area where I can drive to/from work. I also miss doing the things I am passionate about (hiking, rock climbing, camping, mountain biking, the great outdoors etc..) as these things really helped my mental health. It's impossible to do that without a car. Part of me wants to go home, part of me wants to stay here to fulfill my overseas experience. I wish there was some happy pill I could take to forget about the stupid traumitising experience I had on the train
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