Anxiety & Sabotage

Posted , 3 users are following.

Hello dear friends,

I hope today has been kind to you all. I am sending you all my positivity and loving energy so that you can heal xxx

I'm facing a little dilemma today. Let me explain...

I suffer quite serious depression and anxiety, amongst other things like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), psychotic symptoms but not psychosis in full. Amongst a few others.

I became fully house reddened two years ago, due to some really big and horrible stuff eg:kidnapping, Suffered major breaks downs and completely shut off from the world. Lost my job, friends, social life, everything. I refused to leave my room and kinda still don't unless I really have to.

I even started relying heavily on drugs.

I'm feeling a lot better now and I am also doing better and in recovery for my drug addiction. I still smoke weed for anxiety when it gets really bad, I don't think I could ever stop that.

I still am not able to work but I'm just about to start some volunteer work.

I have a meeting with the volunteer program coordinator in a few hours and I am terrified of going. I've been looking forward to this for months. I really want to be out there helping everybody that I can. This will in turn help me get better. It will also give me the routine I need to get back into work. I will be working with the elderly, the youth, the kids and the sick.

I guess what I'm asking for are a bit of a push from you guys and some words of support. I would whole heartedly appreciate all your useful feedback.

Thank you all in advance.

I love you very much! ??💛💚💙💜

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi i get anxiety really bad right before i present can anyone relate?
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    • Posted

      Hi Brean and thank you for posting.

      It's been hours since I was at the meeting/interview for volunteer work.

      The whole thing was such a nightmare! I have only just been able to recover from the crippling anxiety and jump online.

      I knew very well beforehand where I was going, it's a suburb I know very well. But it took me a while getting there because I kept stuffing up with directions along the way, I couldn't find parking for twenty minutes and just drove round and round, in a sweat and panic, holding back the tears...

      I finally got there huffing and puffing and was late (the norm lately) the whole thing had just become an ordeal sadly. I met with the lady and she was lovely and patient but that didn't matter at that point, I was completely over my head and overwhelmed by then with anxiety, panic and rushing crazy negative thoughts about the situation ie. You look and sound ridiculous. She won't like you. You're not good enough. Just doubting myself and things of that nature. So I completely disassociated and the rest is pretty much a blur.

      I remember struggling SO MUCH with forming sentences and speaking, even just the basics. It was so uncomfortable and humiliating. I couldn't even function and perform in a volunteer placement interview. It made me feel really bad about the whole situation I was in and I felt that the hope I had built up about being able to slowly get back into swing of things and start working again and living a functioning normal life, had suddenly faded away.

      Sounds a bit dramatic and I can understand that. It's just the state I am in currently and where I'm at with my mental health.

      I'm completely home bound. But that needs to change and it will. I went home with a training kit and waiting for some paperwork. I'll begin after that, probably within the two weeks.

      I refuse to give up!

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  • Posted

    Well done for making the effort ( a very big effort, I think) and getting out there! Remember that you did it, you came home with a training kit- would you have been given a training kit- if you had been so very bad?

    I don't know what treatment you are currently receiving but one of the resource websites linked to from this website is 'moodjuice', you might benefit from checking it out, there are module type workbooks that you can print out and work through on a wide variety of topics including anxiety. Perhaps it might be useful to work through a workbook doing a little bit each day and gradually building up the amount you are able to do.

    Again well done for getting out there, I hope you are sufficiently proud of yourself 😊

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    • Posted

      Hello Gill,

      Thanks for the positive and reassuring words.

      You're right, I wouldn't of had a training kit if they weren't happy and satisfied with my interview. Sometimes I need that one person to pretty much tell me it's just all in my head.

      Everyone on this site is so lovely. It makes me feel so good about humanity and the world in general.

      I had no idea about those resource sites, it sounds very interesting. I will definitely take a look now. I'm very much into trying anything and everything I can to get on top.

      I was receiving therapy once a week coupled with various meds, all of which I have stopped now, including therapy because I moved to the other side of the city from my therapist and have been too confused with what I should do next, continue seeing her (I don't know how I'll be doing that when most days I cannot get out of bed) but also I was very happy and content with this particular therapist.

      I know I'm not helping myself at all by just doing nothing...

      This year I stopped taking my seroquel and epilim (not for epilepsy but as a mood stabiliser) and then eventually I stopped my antidepressants. All within the knowledge of my dr and psychiatrist. I was putting on lots of weight and felt like I was moving forward anymore.

      A visit to my GP for an honest chat and some tools like you've just suggested, looks like the best next step from here...

      Thank you again for taking the time out of your day to read about my problems and take the time to help me 🙂

      Much love and many blessings xo

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