Anxiety taking over my life - again.

Hello everyone, I'm really out of ideas how to get out of it so I decided to seek help here. I'm 20 years old and I'm from Poland. I'm dealing with anxiety and depression but lately I noticed once I get anxious I get depressed too. My anxiety problems started about 5 years ago, yet I remember I had alot of panic attacks when I was.. I don't know.. 10 years old? , I had alot of problems at home (abusive partners, lack of father, problem with money, stressful childhood overall - etc.) technically had those problems until I was 18 years old. It wasn't much of a problem because even if I was stressed alot I could still push it through, I was dealing with it alot through out years but then, year ago I finally did it, I could finally live normal life - for few months.... Everything was cool until I had to do something VERY stressful for me which was my girlfriend graduation party, dance there in front of the people, wake up early, risking oversleep (which is fear I have from the beginning), sleep somewhere and live in a foreign place - it was really stressful and I think that "woke up" my anxiety back. Then I found my hobby which was photography, it helped me with going outside and feel better about myself. It was very important thing to do because depression often wanted to hold me down at home, yet now I just lost interest. At that time I was going to school for adults, alot of stress from there too so I gave up on it since I wasn't really trying to graduate, I was just doing school so I have excuse to not going to work, now I gave up on school, so I got to find job. I had one offer, for some people very very good start for happy life, not bad money, for me hell, I said yes but never came back there I ran away and never wanted to leave my house again, wanted to die really badly at that time. I have to find the job not for the money only, but because my family and friends say that I'm lazy moron (sorry for language), I want their respect also I know my girlfriend won't be with someone who can't feed the family.. I feel so useless sitting home all day doing nothing! Friend asked "Why do you feel like sitting home and doing nothing is bad?" I don't know really, it just makes me feel like I'm useless and makes my depression bigger. I wouldn't be scared to work at home, at place I know I noticed but going to the new place and new people... You ask me what I'm afraid of? It's just work! That's the thing, lately I was scared of something, that I dont know about, it's just this feeling, I really feel weak because of that. I'm going to the therapist for about year. The medication you may ask, do you take them? No, I don't and I know that might be the problem but there are few things that won't let me have them, first is that my mom won't let me do that, since she takes them as a drugs that will destroy my life, I live in her house for now so it won't work, also I have tendetion to addictions, was 2 times already addicted to medicaments also video games not some strong ones but it was hard to stop them since I was sure that these meds are saving my life and I have to take them. I have dreams, I want to marry my girlfriend and be with her forever, I also have my dream job which is being either train driver or bus drivier but I can forget about those 2 since my mentality is weak, I also have my secret big dream which is making music, I made about 100 lyrics to the songs that will never come out, anxiety holding me back from trying. I would really get to know any way to get through it, how to work it out, thanks for reading and sorry for alot of text

Have a good day!

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