anybody on quatipine

yes i keep geting unwell despite my best efforts to keep myself as well as posable i find it very frustraiting 

i was determmind from the very start to have a drug free recovery 

and i will be fiting to the very end i wont give in to it 

i have been dignosed with borderline persernality disorder ptsd and am awaiting for a formal dignosis of aspergers syndrome and have servere anxciety and depression 

i have just such a hugge fear about tacking medication i just cant physically bring myself to take it its poison and there trying to kill me with it 

when in a crisis i become very distreased self harm get very bad suisidul thoughts but somthink deep down inside me takes over and always end up at my mental heath garderning projject or my cmht resorse center or a and e 

when in a crisis i get voices telling me to harm myself and i see my dead nan she was very important to me she was the only one that gave me any love and affection 

and my dead brother who unexpectadly droped down dead in his flat due to natrul corses it will be 4 years on 2nd june he was 27 

they come to me they try to take me to heaven with them they dont wont me on earth suffering like this they wont me with them  out of pain safe with them so they can look after me i get very disteased and upset by this iv alway gone to them in a crisis for help know im trying to hide it all from them and its making me wont to run from them instead i also shake the hole of my inside shake i cant keep still pace up and down my jow chatters i also become very paranoid and suspisures of ppl thinking everyones in this hudge plot to try and harm me i feel very scared frightend and all alone with no were to turn to for help i also have an extrodenery insite into my illnesses and i am fully aweare how unwell i am and wen i cant resist the arges of attempting suiside that is wen iv always gone and got help i think it takes a braver person to do this but kow i will run instead and i think there poting me at even more risck coz know i wont go for help and will try to hide everythink from them 

However - your mental Health team are trying to help you, even if it feels like theyre not; its your illness thats 'plotting against you' if you have relapses unfortunately medicine is sometimes unavoidable.

i do think there are a lot of very irresponsible people on the web who seem to think 'natural' means good and 'medical/chemical means bad'. But think about it: arsenic is natural. So is disease, and volcanoes, and hurricanes, and all sorts of other horrible things ... Natural doesnt mean good necessarily, and chemical and medical things do a lot of good to a lot of people. Have you ever found a drug that works? Maybe if you suggest an alternative medicine that you would be willing to take theyl back off a bit cos theyll see you being more 'reasonable'?

I get hallucinations too, when im in a depressive psychosis. I get a lot of 'lights' sometimes like green searchlights or i think police helicopters are following me. I also get ghosts and see dead bodies everywhere or people in the street look like theyre decomposing. I also often feel like I am dead - like I died but havent noticed. Its very hard to get people to see how some hallucinations can be frightening but others can be strangely comforting. I am sorry to hear you lost your nan and your brother, but i dont think they REaLLY Do want you on their side of the great divide, its your illness tricking you again. If they were here now I think they'd be urging you to accept help, dont you think?

I hope it doesnt come to you being sectioned and forcibly medicated - but your level of suffering cant go on indefinitely - you deserve to feel better and to have some relief from your symptoms, and if meds are the best way to achive that then maybe its for the best? although i fully know in saying that it souds like I am against you too - but im not, honestly, I know how confusing it all is from experience. Try and talk to your mental health nurse or someone else from the service that you trust. Best of luck anyway.