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Anyone else find themselves experiencing uncontrollable rage? Is this a symptom of my depression?

Posted , 7 users are following.

mum2angelalex
mum2angelalex

I feel like I am teetering on the brink of total nervous breakdown. It seems like I have been depressed for such a very long time and I have been on virtually every depression medication ever invented and nothing changes.  The last few weeks my stress levels have gone through the roof and my anger is so bad I am punching walls, gritting my teeth, throwing things and screaming at everyone, I feel like I'm going to have a stroke or a heart attack with sheer stress. 

The trouble is I am so isolated with my problems, I have a teenage daughter and two young boys age 9 and 11 and to say they have behavioural problems is an understatement.  My 9 year old soils himself continuously and is only now after years of my complaining to my gp got a referral to cahms, my 11 year old speaks to me like dirt telling me to drop dead and refusing to do anything I ask to the point of making my life hell.  Before anyone says it is my anger which he is responding to these problems have been ongoing since his father officially disappeared without a trace in october 2012 and I have been left to cope alone, my stress and anger have escalated to monstrous proportions in the last few months as a result of my sons behavioural problems, the desperation of coping with two unruly and hyperactive boys who fight with each other non-stop and battling my own severe depression which includes extreme exhaustion and weakness.  I have absolutely no family to turn to and I am completely unsupported.  

The only medication which helped with my rages was diazepam but my gp won't prescribe it anymore and to be honest it wasn't really helping much as my body had gotten used to it. 

I am so tired of asking for help and receiving nothing in return, does anyone else exerience this?  My gp has known about my struggle alone with the children battling my illness for years and just keeps shovelling the pills which do absolutely nothing to help the situation. 

I don't know how much longer I can keep surviving on sheer willpower, my life is just a constant battle to cope with mountains of housework and chores, schoolwork (both my boys are behind at school and my 11 year old has dyslexia and dyspraxia and my daughter is months behind  in her college work but has no interest in catching up) mounting bills and worries that are threatening to consume me completely. 

I can't talk to anyone without snapping their head off and I can't attempt to catch up with the chores without losing it and throwing stuff everywhere.  Where am I supposed to get help? I am literally drowning here and taking the kids with mecry

0 likes, 4 replies

4 Replies

  • Clairepip
    Clairepip mum2angelalex

    Posted

    Hi, I really feel for you, as a fellow single parent I understand what you are going through. Firstly I reckon you should give yourself a break and acknowledge what a hard job you are doing and congratuate yourself on surviving for this long, particualrly without any family support. It is no surprise you are depressed with that much pressure/stress on your shoulders. Has your GP ever offered you counselling or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? I think if he/she hasnt you should request it and say its an emergency and you need it now! Like you suggest I am not sure that more tablets are the answer, if none of them have really helped then I would not bother with them, it seems to me that practical and emotional support is what you need rather than pills. Do you have friends who could help out? If you do tap into that support, even if its minimal.

    You could try doing a google search to see if there are any family support services in your area? you never know there may be something you could tap into. I am not sure if I have helped at all, but lots of luck in the future and I hope things improve for you soon :-)

  • ScotH17
    ScotH17 mum2angelalex

    Posted

    Ah! talking of anger I had just writen a reply to you and it has dissappeared!. Had to take deep breath and start again and back in the day that would have made me want to throw the laptop across the room! I have had terrible anger issues early on in my diagnosis (clinical depression with added bonus of type 4 Bi Polar (caused by medication...probably!)

    I have had depression for 18 yrs now and had terrible anger issues, there is a chance that the type of anti d's your on or have been on might make matters worse I cannot take modern SSRI's they make me angry! So I am on old fashioned ones in my case Dosulipin. I was on 225mg a day at my worse now I have it down to 100mg still a lot but because of the bi polar I take pregabalin 150mg which is actually a drug for epilepsy but it has been proven to settle mood swings and not so invasive as lithium.

    From a different angle I had 6 months worth of CBT quite intensive and horrible to go thru but I finally was able to understand and seperate the depression from "being me" to " part of me" if that makes sense it no longer controls me (mostly!)

    I have also been trying out the mindfullness techniques and along with Ruby Wax's book Sane new World ithas helped (its a good read anyway but she explains things in layman terms and its a laugh as well) I have managed to be a lot better, my problem was going to bed then re running all the worlds problems in my head = very little sleep = tiredness = short tempered etc etc!

    In a nut shell accept the problem as it arrives in your head as in acknowledge it and move on or tell it you'll deal with it later or what ever works to send the thoughts or anger or problems go away. Ig does work hard to start with and I was very sceptical about it honest.

    Re the kids can you talk to them about what is happening with you and them they do get it I have two girls who were only 3 and 5 when I had my intial breakdown. to young at that point but as they are in their 20's now they have said they knew I was ill and didn't know what to do to help bless them! I get upset thinking about it and ever writing this to you. but its fact our kids are stronger than we think and your 11yr old has had a lot to deal with and his mum is different as well. Maybe sit down with them when you feel able last thing you need is to end up argueing again. Very hard I know trust me. But tell them every thing but dont mention their father this is about you. House work can wait! If you open up to them or even ask for help! it just might work. And get a better doctor! ask outright for CBT tell the kids. I'm sure they love their mum but are as angry as you about what is happening to mum and them, no dad etc. Must be horrible for everyone 

    anyway that my two penneths worth! 

    ps not a proffessional just someone who has gone thru the mill as well, although I changed my job and know work in the mental health field as a key worker with people who are far worse off! made me think!

    good luck

  • evergreen
    evergreen mum2angelalex

    Posted

    It is no wonder you are feeeling so bad with everything that is going on in your life. But it is unusual that no medication has been able to help you. This makes me wonder if there is a physical cause going on. Has your GP tested you for vitamin B12 or vitamin D levels? Have you had your thyroid function checked? If not, I would go back to your GP and ask if you could have some blood tests for the above. Vitamin B12 and votamin D deficiency both cause depression and anxiety. You could also be experiencing high levels of cortisone which causes adrenalin to be released and this too can have the effect of raising your stress levels. Another test would be to check whether you may be peri-menopausal.
  • aad
    aad mum2angelalex

    Posted

    Yep , My anger is absolutely horrendous, hence why i don't work for a employer anymore. I have to be careful in certain situations incase my head goes.

    I have had to re- shift my whole life now, trying to do something from home.

    CBT never worked for me, i have no patience what so ever, i just feel my head frying inside.

    My GP cannot do nothing for me anymore.

    she says it's down to me.

    So your not alone in this, my brain sometimes feels like it's going at such a speed i cannot keep up anymore. I don't have any patience at all, it's like flicking a light switch, my head just goes.

    Horrible way to live and soul destroying.

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