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... It was more than an appointment to me. It was a big step. I finally told my mom that I'm depressed and I have anxiety and I was so happy that she understood but now two appointments have been cancelled. One day after the other. Its very discouraging. Was telling her a mistake? I knew I couldn't handle it on my own anymore but was this the right time... I was so nervous about going to see a doctor, and I was so nervous about him asking me questions about my feelings because I'm not very open about them but at the same time I was looking forward to it because it was the first step to getting some real help and I know I need it. Now I don't know what to do. I cant keep not going to school because my anxiety is too high but I need to go, my grades are horrible because I can't focus on one thing for too long, I'm scared of being called on. My heart races and my stomach drops when a teacher even mentions calling on someone. And presentations are worse. I stress myself out more by doing all the work so it forces someone else to speak during the actual presentation because I cant. I'm always so nervous in front of people. I cant make eye contact for more than a few seconds, my voice shakes, my heart races, my stomach feels funny, my vision gets blurry but I somehow manage to look like everything's okay on the outside because I refuse to let people know what's really going on with me. I know I'm smart and I know I can do the work but being around people makes it hard. And it wasn't hard during elementary school and most of middle school. My anxiety started in 8th grade. My depression didnt hit till high school. And I'm afraid of being told that I have anxiety just because of school and I'm depressed because school is stressing me out but I know thats not all true. I feel anxiety more outside of school. I cant even walk past someone on the street and say goodmorning. They spoke to me but I couldn't say anything back because I was nervous. They probably walked away thinking I was rude and stuck up when I'm just scared. I'm paranoid at every little thing. I walk outside with the irrational fear that I'll be kidnapped or something and though I know the odds of that happening are slim, its still a fear. How am I gonna live my life like this.. How am I gonna get a job when I can barely say hi to people without thinking I'll embarrass myself. College is no longer an option. Growing up, my goal was to be a teacher but I can't be around all those students and I cant speak in front of all of them. I probably couldn't even be a cashier. I'll mess up saying what the total price for their purchase is or something. Or what if I have to ask for a price check over the intercom. I'll freak out. I wish I was normal. I wish I didnt have to deal with being in a constant state of fear and nervousness and I wish I didnt have to lie about being okay. Idk what to do.
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