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Hi. I am a 24 year old woman. I lost my father two months ago to cancer, and my sister died last year from a brain aneurism. Just two weeks ago we lost two of our longtime house cats back to back, one to cancer and the other was hit by a car and I was the one that found him.
When I was a child, I was bullied for about two years unmercifully to the point where I considered suicide. During that I was having 'bad thoughts', thoughts of hurting my parents or my animals in horrible ways. After overcoming the bullying, and with the advice of my dad who told me that because I never acted on the bad thoughts, I shouldn't worry about it, I didn't have any for a long time. About four days ago, the bad thoughts returned.
I work a very stressful job in retail where I work with probably over 100 people a day and most of them are not very nice people. My life has been put on hold for the past eight months because of my father being so ill and passing away and the other night, my mom was sleeping on the couch and I was going to wake her up for something I needed help with and I had the urge to harm her. I love my mom very much even though sometimes she drives me crazy, as all mothers do, so I would never hurt her. But that scared me so much because it was so real, the urge to hurt her while she was laying there helpless and oblivious. A friend and my mom reminded me that my life is very negative right now and I need to surround myself with positive after everything that has happened in the past two years. I am always worrying about the future and, well I feel I can deal with that but the actual urge to harm my mother really scared me.
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