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I can't ever explain this the way I want to, but I'll try to give you an insight of what happens in my head. My main fear I deal with everyday is dying. I'm petrified that something is going to happen to me which I can't control, or even worse my family. Everyday I gear myself up for something absolutely heartbreaking to happen.
My second worse fear which all links into dying is my heart. I suffer with heart palpitations mostly every day (odd day I don't) which makes me think I have a heart condition - which I will die from because no one ever picked it up, I've been to see my gp and had an ecg and bloods done (completely healthy) but that's not enough for me....on top of the heart palpitations I get the pains in my chest. Like I've just been given the most devasting news and you get that heavy hurting feeling? That's how my chest feels but without the actual emotion that goes with it.
And on top of that, which again is all linked - I have the most disturbing aweful thoughts, constantly. If I get in the shower I think "what if" if I'm trying to relax I think "what if" if I'm cooking dinner I think "what if" what if I or someone I care about gets diagnosed with something and turns out to be terminally ill?
What if someone takes and kills one of my children?
What if I'm in a car accident and I die? What if that happens to my partner? I can't even get into a car relaxed. I'm always so worried I've said the wrong thing to someone, weather Ive offended anyone and that really bothers me. It will play on my mind for a while and make me so upset and paranoid. I always worry what people think of me, not that I should worry but I do - I worry to the point of it being unhealthy, ill obsesse over it. Even if I get a headache my mind will tell me it's something more serious and ill panick. It's so embassing.
And also...being pregnant right now and leading up
To the birth I don't think I even have to go into the awful things going on in my head with that haha! I'm always questioning myself as a person and as a mother, am I good enough? I feel guilty for no reason what so ever because I feel I'm not good enough though I try my best....that is a slice and a tiny fraction of my anxiety, I find it so hard to talk about it, to really explain what's going on because I'm ashamed and feel like I'm being looked at as a drama queen, I've gone as far as telling a midwife regarding a professional because the panic attacks (which are triggered off from heart palpitations and the fear it brings) were getting to much. We're all the same I think? Us anxiety sufferers to an extent? Or am I just the pain in the ass I think I am? It reassures me to know I'm not a freak.
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