Ashamed in 40s
Posted , 3 users are following.
Hello there folks,
I am not too sure where to begin with something like this.
I am a 42 year old male who is on medication for depression, and have been for around 10 years now. Having had a chaotic couple of years, involving a marriage ending, moving twice in a couple of years and time off for work due to stress outside of work, all that has come to an end but I find myself feeling very empty.
One of the key problems for 20 years for me has been debt, which is something I can not seem to get to grips with: I can pay all my bills and have money for myself and food, but the debt never seems to go down over time.
I have a maths degree but am so rusty, I am embarrassed by it.
I have had counselling, but I find myself stuck in the same situation, read umpteen articles on depression and spoken with countless professionals, even looked into methods for ending it all.
I put myself under pressure by accepting a promotion at work and am now having second thoughts - I thought that maybe taking on a new challenge would help, but I feel like it has backfired spectacularly on me: and I think it is too late to go back to what I was doing as my former job has been advertised.
I do have friends up and down the country but not many locally, and I find myself slowly but surely withdrawing from everyone. I made great efforts to stay in touch with everyone and visit them, and in some respects, this is how I learned to socialise.
My 20s were not too great - I suffered from a lot of social ineptitude, grew up with very few social skills and struggled through university.
Reading this back to myself, it all looks pretty good. And yet - I want to end it all. I feel ashamed that after 42 years, I have so little to show from working. I feel like I have stood still whilst everyone around me has progressed in their respective lives. And I have no one to blame for that other than myself! To get going again.
The general advice is not to compare yourself to others which as I have tried. I catch myself, then think what do I have? People are seeing the fruits of their work, yet I am still on the starting block. And probably will be for the next 20 years.
And even if my debt vanished tomorrow - I have no idea what I would do. Have got myself in to a way of rigid thinking that automatically rejects anything aspirational for so long that I can not see any positive future for me - just always on the periphery or on the outside looking in a lot of the time. Brought myself off Facebook and Twitter for this reason - it feels like I can only be happy for other people and never myself.
I have tried being there for people and doing good things for people which does make me feel good - but I can not do this endlessly.
0 likes, 7 replies
sam18386 shaun80528
Edited
hi shaun, debt and any money problems make you feel just useless. i knew how you felt a while ago, lack of money, no savings and constant stress. it feels like your world has imploded. you can"t tell anyone, only everyone wants to know for so long, family and friends can't help. it"s a black place. just one thought, where do you bank? no i'm not being rude or nosy. i tell you why i want to find out, a debt advisor can help but may cost, try 1 thing: find something called a credit union, THEY more than anything have advisors that will help you with debt, savings, low cost loans, money, knowing about how to keep debtors off your back etc. they have been in banking for 30 years. please give them a go. google this then let me know how it went. they took me out of £2,500 debt to Santander. good luck, how awful!
shaun80528
Edited
Thank you for replying Sam - I guess I am at a loss of what to do with my job.
It pays well and changing will inevitably bring in a lower income. I feel ashamed as I have bought all this on myself. I have asked to return to my old job, but just it became a meeting about making the one I have work. I underestimated what was involved (training people, which I am told I am good at), but dealing with people has become very hard.
A big part of me just doesn't want to be here any more - I have no energy left to deal with the mess I have become.
sam18386 shaun80528
Edited
hi shaun, i think that situation seems really tough, think of this: what good is your job if it's making you unhappy what can you do that would make you feel happier, if anything, where can you go for more monetary support, (there is a place called step change), you need support with this no matter what you"ve done as this is affecting your mental health the why doesn't matter as to why it"s happened. it's what you DO about it that does. i think debt advice is a good shout 1st. good luck, not easy but needs must.....
shaun80528
Edited
So it has been a very hard day - tried suffocation by carrier bag today, but gag reflex kicked in a freaked me out.
I did call 111, they advised speaking to my GP for a mental health nurse appointment, failing that the crisis team.
Whilst the crisis team did call me back, I was out getting some fresh air at the time and for some reason advised I was on my way to a friends (I was coming back from a haircut).
I am sitting watching tv like nothing happened now. I think I have convinced myself I don't want to die but want this pain to end.
My biggest worry is that the consequences of losing my job through my own idiocy, leading to debt collectors and a whole host of other issues... it's all I can I think about and don't know where to begin.
I feel like a total basket case. Anyone else feel like this?
sam18386 shaun80528
Posted
hi shaun, it is lucky i logged on today, oh my goodness! please try not to do harm to yourself it hurts, i should know i have tried several times. anyway i want to help you. if all this is money related you aren't the 1st and won't be the last to try to get out of this situation because you"ve been forced in to it! have you tried cits advice, debt advice companies etc. 1 thing if you are stupid would you have tried to help yourself to sort out your situation? think about it..... it's scary not being able to live on the money you have. have you tried speaking to a credit union they WILL help you with money. please keep in contact if you want to.
shaun80528
Posted
Hi Sam, thank you for responding. I was feeling pretty low last week - spent time with my family this weekend which was good.
It is multiple things - my job,money, I feel intellectually empty, becoming socially anxious, and I don't know what job I would like to do.
I feel stuck and don't know what to do in life: hobbies don't bring me joy, starting is very hard, I try to swim but can't seem to manage more than once a week - just feel like a failure who has made mistake after mistake in life. All the while, people I have been working with have been moving forward with their lives, and that hurts when I look at myself.
sam18386 shaun80528
Posted
hi shaun, just be kind to yourself and keep speaking to other people, i think you deserve a break, from your head for a bit and your life, reach out for help until you've got anything sorted. good luck to you and well done for speaking out!