Asking on behalf of husband

I completely relate to your answer to question 5! 

I feel like the past two years everything I wanted to achieve has just been put on hold. We had three rooms left to renovate - I pushed myself earlier this year to do two - plastering and painting etc - he did 'help' but complained bitterly - no thought to how much *I* wanted/needed them done (one is a spare room which now has a returned adult child living in it and the other was my 'craft' (escape) room!!! And he still hasn't put up the curtain rods - even though I made the curtains 6 months ago! AARGGGG

And let's not go into discussing the yard. It's a pit. "I don't garden" he says.... yes, well maybe not, but that doesn't mean you can leave it to look like hoarders and hobos live there either!

Yes - I have an "I don't garden" person! That didn't help the PMR in its unrecognised early days! 

But then, he "doesn't know how to" cook, clean, do laundry, iron, camp (we have a camper van, he drives it) and I'm sure there are other things...

I have a procrastinator.  We live in a climate which can get a lot of rain and snow.  We have a basement which means windows mere inches above ground level.  One of them has a frame which started to rot a few years ago.  I've talked to a tradesman who said he would come after the summer high work season was over.  I asked my procrastinator to phone this man about six weeks ago.  Now he says he's going to fix it himself.  Oh, I remark, if you were going to fix it yourself why didn't you do it two years ago?  Well, he says, it wasn't so bad then.  

And of course he has no idea how to repair this frame so I fear by next spring we'll have a leak. Must try to find phone number for my professional guy who does know how to repair houses and call him myself.  

I don't know which is worse, having someone who doesn't do things because it's not his thing, or someone who says he'll do things but a) doesn't and/or b) can't do the job properly anyway but won't admit it.

When we were first married my hubby was very proud of the fact that he could sew on buttons.  (I think it was the only thing his mother taught him.)  So I left him to it.  Recently he appeared with a shirt which has multiple loose buttons and a couple off altogether but there are replacements available.  Oh, I said, I know how you like to sew on buttons so I won't interfere.  Made sure he had enough thread and needles and even little scissors.  I think I'm waiting for him to ask me to do this for him.  I will, when he asks.  Do we have a dysfunctional relationship?  Maybe.  

David upset me badly once - he won't buy new socks etc (meaness I suspect) and his ones from uni, nylon and bought by mummy, were wearing through. He asked me to darn them (I mean, REALLY?????). I refused and told him to get new ones. HE ASKED HIS MOTHER!!!!

I have had a'can't cook, can't clean, can't do anything which hints of 'housework'.  I have to say 'had' as due to my incapacities over the last couple of years he can (proudly) fry eggs, mash potatoes, make toast, not to mention opening a can of soup and heating it.  Who knows what could be next?

Still, he's all I've got and I am rather fond of him even if we have to have shouted conversations now that he's deaf.

You know my theory - it's all in the name!!!!!

Thank you. We are on a relatively tight budget but I've cut everything as much as possible to just hired a housekeeper twice a month. We used to do it all but we have a special needs son so I can't do it myself. The bathrooms are especially important to me. 

He is still teaching and loves it. His schedule is not too intense but we take it day by day. 

I have been a bit of a scold about diet and even though he has not complained I am backing off. It was really just fear. Instead, I have focused on having healthy food in the house and he probably sneaks some treats. But.I don't want to be overly controling. 

I eill investigate the Paleo diet. I appreciate all the tips from everyone. 

Also, while it is terribly self- centered and I would never admit it to him, this has made me face-  more acutely than ever-that we are growing older. 

The years from 50 to 60 somehow slipped by without noticing.. Now I am 63 and he is 64 and the fact that this condition often strikes those over 60 drives home the whole aging process. 

Of course it is silly to think much about this, especially since my mother never felt older till she was 80. And it is mostly fear of anything happening to him since we are so compatible and I love him deeply.

I don't say a thing to friends for fear it will get back to him. 

Hedoes not need to worry about me on top of everything else. When he is here, my fears recede because I can focus on listening to him, prepare meals, relax together, etc.

My sister's godmother got PMR when she was 69. She reckons she had it for around eight years. She is now in her nineties and still looks like she could model for Vogue. 

I laughed out loud.

I told my husband when we got married that I "didn't do" darning.  I suppose in a way that's akin to "not doing" gardening.  But he knew that from the get go.  Mind you, we just had our 49th wedding anniversary   and I'm the one who throws out the holey socks and buys him new ones.  

Btw I was far too young to get married....

This condition has also made me actutely aware that I'm getting older - and I was 51 when diagnosed!! I fear that my 50s will be lost to PMR.....

I still work full time myself, and it's a hard slog when you have PMR, and even though I'm 'just' a public servant it's still hard to drag yourself in every morning, and some days just sitting at my desk was more than I was capable of.

That's encouraging! 

Jae - you can scold all you like about diet - it really won't make much difference at all to the PMR and all it will do if my husband is anything to go by is make him resentful. PMR is a pain - it takes a lot away and to lose even your comforts in the kitchen hurts more. The paleo diet per se, or any other fad, won't cure - but paleo is low carbs. Low carbs - but not NO carbs, will help. Make the carbs count - good quality and as a treat. But there is no need to make life any more miserable than he probably already feels. He will come round eventually - when he realises some things aren't as good for him as others. I know - I have one like that1

While people in their 60s are more likely to develop PMR - there is a large community on the forums who were in their early 50s when it appeared. Two of us have had it for 12 and 16 years respectively. I was still 51 when mine first surfaced and I had 5 years without even pred. I lost a lot of my 50s to it because I couldn't do many things because of the pain and stiffness. But with pred, once other medical problems were sorted out, I have my life back. Not entirely the life I had envisaged when we moved here to a ski resort but it is still pretty good!

Be patient Jae, the first few months are the worst and as his body gets used to the pred, the pain and stiffness improves and he is able to reduce the dose a bit it will all feel different. PMR does NOT kill - it's a pain in the anatomy but it will get better long before it goes away. And I've said before - men have a very different experience - there are several on the forum who, once the initial adjustment period was over, are back to their usual exercise habits. One gentleman is well over 80 and still playing pickleball - though he is a bit upset that his physcial performance has slowed down a bit! 

Take one day at a time - and so what if the house is a bit dusty? Dust is very patient, it will always wait! 

Thanks Eileen - this group has been wonderful. Now if I could just get my husband to participate. Maybe someday he will. In the meantime, I'm grateful for the support and he is benefiting as well, although he may not realize just how much. 

I know how you feel.  I found this forum when I went online in the middle of a sleepness night about two months into my PMR journey and felt I had fallen among friends.  Does your husband use the internet in the normal course of things?  Social media?  

He uses social media sometimes but he doesn't share many personal details online. Perhaps the younger generation is different but he grew up with a " men don't share feelings" sort of attitude. He is very open with me, however.

i think he is also in a bit of denial. I bought the books on PMR and left them on a coffee table but he has never read a single page even though he is an avid reader. 

Of course I can only try to imagine the way he is feeling. I might react the same way as him..or worse..if I had PMR. All in all, he has been strong. .  

 

I can understand him not wanting to read a book about PMR. He may be enticed to just look at the discussions, he need not reply or get involved and he can just read the posts in which he may feel he is really interested. It is the first step that is difficult. 

Interesting.  I wanted to find out everything I could.  It was even suggested to me early on - on this forum no less - that I should be more accepting!  But it has always been in my nature to be inquisitive.  Over the past year and more I've had to accept that there are no answers for many of my questions, and that's actually been hard.  Think that is one of the lessons this disease has taught me.  No doubt there will be more.  Perhaps your husband feels he knows all he wants/needs to know right now; it's all he can deal with at the moment.  When his new reality has finally sunk in, then he may become more interested in learning how to live his new life.  My spouse is a fairly kind person, although he has a lot of trouble expressing emotions.  He's been so oblivious to my condition, a few weeks ago I had to straighten him out when he indicated that all this time he thought I had fibromyalgia.  As Flipdover said - I wish you were my wife!

Jae - men and health (or sickness) is an Egyptian river cruise! I've got one of those at home too!

Women DO look at it all very very differently - especially when we are intelligent and naturally inquisitive types. I don't want to have an illness about which I don't know everything I possibly can. Men just don't want to know! And, naturally enough since the ratio is 2.5 women to every 1 man, he would feel overwhelmed, We do have men on the forums, but not many. 

Anhaga mentions the acceptance - being accepting does not mean you don't find out about the illness. What it means is you don't stress as much and fight - and that leaves energy for more important things, like living.