Back to zero after 10 months of meds, therapy etc.

Posted , 7 users are following.

Again I am in a deep dark hole. Major Depression. slight Anxiety.

I don't feel myself. But then I wonder if I can even remember how "myself" feels like. 

I was at a yoga retreat last weekend and at some point we were asked to look inside and try to describe how we feel (in silence) and all I could think of was a dark, small, shriveled raisin. 

You can soak a raisin with water (or meds or therapy) but it will never be a juicy plump grape again. 

That thought describes pretty well how I feel right now and it depresses me even more. 

It's hard not to cry into my morning coffee.

It's hard to get up and go shower.

I can't imagine going to work tomorrow.

If I didnt have my dog w me I would cross the street on a red light without looking. 

I am so sick of being sick.

all I want is to curl up, sleep and never wake up again.

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    I understand you and really empathise.  

    Depression hits you realy hard, then you get some help, you feel better for a while, then it creeps on again and an accumulation of quite small things makes you realize one day when you are sitting drinking a coffee, trying to read a book or watch the news, that you just feel awful, cant cope with anything, and just retreat up to your'e bedroom, shut the door and not let anyone in - except sometimes the cat.

    I feel terrible today - there are reasons, some of them are long standing and quite hard to solve,  and some of them are temporary, and will be dealt with.

    I'm not sure what to suggest, as I cant lift myself out of it.   Cuddle your'e dog?, - my cat is lovely - he really loves me unconditionally, and often craves my company - more like a dog than a cat sometimes.

    I know thats a lame suggestion. I also sometimes take an extra valium - bad idea, but helps in the short term. Cant drink alcohol - been there and almost died from it a  number of times - wish I could drink a bit, but just cant.

    I keep trying to summon up the energy to go out for a coffee, but the weather is rubbish - I cant stand the weather in this country either.

    Sorry - not much help - I'll stop my moaning - not helping you - shouldnt be doing it...

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  • Posted

    This is an aside, Mermaid; just have to say how beautifully descriptive your writing is - very powerful and retrospective. But it's also a very good way to navigate through this marsh that you feel stuck in...just a thought.

    The thing with depression (as a lifer, I'm told I know more about my own condition than any professional...speaks volumes about 'what they know'), is that it  is fundamentally a bully and a liar; it's whole M.O. is to take those repetative thoughts (the ones that don't 'serve' you) and spin them into the worst-case scenerio. That's the mechanism that is so very damning and dangerous.

    The one trick I've learned is that you actually have [some] control on the thoughts you allow to take root in your mind.

    So..in essence, if you're able to grasp that concept - which I admit, is rather like holding a soaped-up baby - then you have some control. It takes a helluva lot of practice and doesn't always work; but it's a foundation to build on.

    I say all this to point out that you are as precious as any other human being. In other words - treat yourself like someone else that you love - are a true friend to. Be kind, patient, loving and considerate, as you would towards your best friend. It's really an 'exercise' that takes a huge amount of effort, but the rewards are monumental. Like me, this concept becomes a crutch - doesn't always work, but you begin that habit to get yourself through these wretched patches.

    I can tell - just by your writing  - that you have wonderful, life-giving potential. Last thing: depression is exhausing; profoundly so. It's good to remember that as we tend to make the worst decisions when we're depleted.

    I so wish I had the ability to just rip away this evil being that does NOT belong to you, because it's wanting to crush you. All I can offer is a couple of 'tools' - our re-wiring (exactly and physically proven in depression) is not ours - is a ruse. We are able to find new paths in our brains to adjust...just bloody hard and takes a lot of work when we're already spent.

    If you can, sweetie, just start by trying to ignore the negative. The most damning thoughts - don't let them take root - push them out. A mimimus inchipae - from 'small beginnings'. That's the message - baby-steps. Who could deserve all that is good and right and lovely in the dark world? Simple answer: you.

    Hope it helps.

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  • Posted

    no idea how that smiley face got in there?? Maybe it's a sign!
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  • Posted

    Thank you both! 

    Your ideas are good! In times like today I need to hear them over and over and over again. They are so easy to forget!

    cuddle my dog, yes. I actually decided to take him with me today to my doctor's appointments and there was no issue at all. He had his service dog jacket on and that was it. He made sure I dont walk into traffic or cross the street on a red light.

    Thanks for your kind words. Its so good to hear that others are out there who are going through the same BS.

    And yes, treat yourself like you would a good friend.

    Well. I will work on that every day today. 

    Luckily (??) I have Strepthroat and was just diagnosed and prescribed Penicillin. I asked for a week's note for my employer and there was no question asked. So I dont have to work this week. We'll see what happens next week. 

    And since I am already feeling rubbish my pdoc decided to take me off one of my AD's and put me on a different one. Let's hope it kicks in rather quickly.

    Moclobemide. Anyone heard of that one?

    Anyway. I love you guys for being so sweet. giving me support. 

    It feels good and I thank you for being you. Awesome Ladies!!

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  • Posted

    its been 10months for me too so wishing you strength it seems endless but hang in there lets hope something changes soon.....sending you strength and love   xx
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