Bad Impulsivity today - Brain damage

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I notice this about myself when I get sober.  This is no brain is damaged...and I know it is...and I know many others here have brain damage they either know about or don't know about.

​So far today...and I will be completely honest as to it helps me monitor my behavior.

​My mother in law (not really mother in law but hard to explain)...I call her mother in law...she is 88.  She has taught me alot of things about saving money. She gets us food at the church (I went from 100K income to 10K last year)....I have learned how to sacrafice....I have learned how to buy 2 pieces of sliced turkey for a sandwich rather than spending the money for a whole pound.

​Anyway....I take everything to the worst degree...mostly when sober.  My MIL wanted a "nose strip" because she has blackheads on her nose...she is very vein at her age (its funny)...she just had her eyes cosmetically repaired..enough said.  She lives on a tight budget her self and is on federal funding.  She balks at alot of things I pay new pocket books...she wants me to go to the thrift stores for things like this. 

​So she wanted these strips for her nose...and my b/f told her she would have to give me the money to pick them up.  I went to the store this morning and saw them a box of them for 8 bucks! 

I knew she would freak out about 8 bucks and I really didn't have the money to pay 8 bucks!  Now that I'm typing this...I think part of my actions were because I want to HELP her..make HER happy...and maybe not admit to myself my current state of affairs.

  In the past with large income I wouldn't have even thought about the cost and I would have just got the box and told her she didn't have to pay me.  So I took one of the strips out of the box! 

I STOLE IT.  And I got a "rush" from it....I held it folded up in my hand and even walked up to the cashier with it folded in my hand.  And I felt a smile on my face as I was paying the cashier with the hand I was holding the strip in! OMG I'm nuts.

  I was a little frightened of being caught because I have no police record..and I used to steal alot when I was younger...

​Then..I was going to another store for eggs...and a police officer was coming down the road...I brag all the time that I "Play" with police officers and always try to get them to stop me...and they NEVER do....I didn't try so hard when I was drinking of course...but everytime I get sober and I see an officer I play these games. 

I pulled out in front of him on short notice on purpose!  It wasn't so close to be causing an accident..but normal people around here would let the officer go (not wanting him behind them)  I then made sure I went more than the speed limit on purpose! 

When he was behind me and we were waiting at a red light.  I adjusted my mirror to look at myself and put a pony tail in my hair...NOTHING...he just went the other way when I turned.

​I pulled into the store and evaluated my behavior so far today.  I feel very "reckless" today.  And the day for me has just started...

Usually when I feel like heart races most of the day (anxiety) and then I want to drink to calm down.

​I know the stealing may not be a result of brain damage because I did it when I was young...but I do KNOW it is impulsivity...because I do alot of impulsive things since I got sober and this happened the last time I got sober for 8 years.  I am not a BAD person...but I do make really bad decisions when sober. 

​I made worse personal decisions when not paying bills, not going to appointments, not taking self care seriously.

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  • Posted

    It is another form of high and to some people it can be addictive, as in they take something when they don't even need it.

    Be careful about travelling down this route, it is not a good one. I think most of us stole (sweets) when we were kids and prefer not to remind ourselves, but it is something we grow out of.

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  • Posted

    Misssy please be careful as you're playing a very dangerous game.

    I understand the 'high' factor. Only today I ordered a mullberry handbag, total extravagance and certainly not needed. But I got a buzz pressing place order! When I'm feeling good I turn into a shopaholic. I'm ashamed to say that whilst sorting out holiday clothes, I found unworn clothes still with the labels on that I'd totally forgotten about.

    its well known that some people have an addictive personality, they swap one addiction for another. I know I'm like that.

    I am certainly not criticising you so don't think that, but please be careful

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  • Posted

    Misssy you are not a bad person at all. Neither me or RHGB (am sure) thought of the word bad, concerned yes. We all do daft and impulsive things at times and yes I could use the word bad in this context, bad decisions. Like me with this handbag, it was a bad decision in the cold light of day. However when I ordered it, I got a real kick and buzz straight away. If I hadn't used it, I'd sendi it back without hesitation.

    This might get moderated but a similar analogy is people having sex where they might be seen, it turns them on (I'm not speaking from experience here lol!) and they get a buzz.

    However I really admire your honesty in admitting how you feel and why you did what you did.


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