Beating myself up

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Sitting here in on a log in a quiet forest crying. Crying and beating myself up on last night and the night beforeand the night before that...Had a discussion with my significant other last night and it went well. He is very loving. Told him about how hard it is to carry this alone. I know that he didn't understand how hard this is for me but I did not realize to what point he thinks that it should be easy to just put it down. I think I threw him a curve ball because all he wants to know is how HE can help me and I do not know what to say. I took the day off work to reflect

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27 Replies

  • Posted

    What's done is done and in the past - for the time being at least.

    Tomorrow is a new day.  You've done your 'grieving' and beating yourself up.  Time to look to what can be, and not what was....

    Have you discussed options for the way forward, yet?

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  • Posted

    Don't beat yourself up. We beat ourselves up enough in life. Instead be proud of yourself that you able to realize you want to change. How many others will spend their entire lives not even wanting or willing to change. We are here because we want to. For ourselves, for our loved ones. Its painful, I know.... I cried thru my first two days sober and only 6 days in last night I stayed up all night long tossing and turning and thinking of things I.have spent years numbing. Its not an easy thing, it hurts like he'll. All the pain we caused others and ourselves, seriously I'm feeling emotions I haven't felt in a long time and the

    Shame, omg the Shame that comes with it is horrible. One day at a time, just keep trying. I don't like myself at all. AT ALL.... but baby steps. I'm hoping to like myself, then start to forgive myself , and then love myself. Life isn't meant to be lived being so miserable and hard on ourselves. Your not alone. I know that thought helps me a lot just knowing others truly get how I feel.

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  • Posted

    I feel just as bad and ashamed when I mess up my (alleged) diazepam taper.

    My husband is an alcoholic and totally understands that his feelings of shame are horrible but normal in addicts, whatever we're addicted to.

    Hope your day of reflection (which is a great idea) brings some possible strategies to mind, darling.

    love Tess

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  • Posted

    You are not alone. We are here. And don't expect your SO to inderstand, but be greatful he wants to help. This will pass.

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  • Posted

    " I think I threw him a curve ball because all he wants to know is how HE can help me and I do not know what to say"

    Most women, really do not understand men. I realise that that statement is going to make me deeply unpopular, but I have broad shoulders.

    Women like to talk about problems, it makes them feel better.

    Men hate to just talk about things, where they see a problem, it must be solved, all they want to do is find a solution to the problem.

    It causes them tremendous angst, where they see a wrong, and no movement to put it right or fix it. In the same way women like to just talk about things, a man will metaphorically climb the wall, waiting to get to a solution.

    Men and women are different. I realise that this doesn't help you with your problem, but maybe it gives you an insight as to how we think.

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  • Posted

    Sadly, smile...only you can help you...and its very hard to help ourselves when we feel beaten.

    The only thing I could do...was set a date that I was going to "try" to stop drinking.  After that..I had to put everything in place to keep me from drinking.

    I had to make sure I had a benzo to help with withdrawals.

    I had to make sure I had small items to eat to get my appetite back - crackers, soup...etc.

    I had to buy some vitamins

    I had to buy sports drinks and water

    I had to make sure I was going to have the time to "rest" without obligations

    And that was about it...then it was...focus on staying away from a drink...look forward to each following day that I would "feel better".

    Its tough to stop a habit like this....but dont' stop TRYING.

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    • Posted

      I agree with Missy. Completely. Just keep trying. I keep myself busy by drinking lemon water all day. I'm talking like 12 bottles a day which is like over 29 cups of water lol. But I figure it's helping flush my system out and keeps my mind off of.alcohol, I'd much rather be healthy with water than poison. I'm admitting the first 6 days sucked. I was a grouch, I was moody, irritable, my stomach hurt I couldn't sleep I felt like my head was floating but today on day 7 I woke up feeling amazing. Its so worth it!!!!

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    • Posted

      AND I have gained weight since I quit....3 weeks ago I think.

      So today I went on a calorie counting website.

      I just ate my portugese muffin with raisens...so now I am consumed with what I can EAT next.

      Even thou I am very displeased with my figure right now.  I'm very happy NOT to be hungover...or drinking.

      It is 1000am here...and by now...if I were drinking I would have had 4 beers.  And by noon....at least 7....So....today, I am happy that none of that is going on.

      But, the first week for me was H*LL....

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    • Posted

      Spent the night in the hospital last night and helped make it clear that I can not drink anymore. First day no wine and later I felt dizziness, faint and my heart was beating irregularly. Happy to find out that it is nothing dangerous or life threatening but that is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal and if I continue it will get much worst.

      Day one drink free...check

      I thought that from going drinking everyday without a break down to at least 1 to 2 days a week no alcohol that my body would be happier but no. It surprised the h..l out of me last night.

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    • Posted

      It would not get much worse, if they gave you a small amount of diazepam for the first four days. Especially if they think it could get worse. One packet of 28 x 5mg is all that is needed and it would make withdrawal so much more comfortable.

      The problem is, if the withdrawal is bad, you will be very tempted to drink, just to ease it. No your body won't be happier for the first few days, because it is used to the alcohol and only functions properly when it has alcohol, diazepam gives your body the hit it needs whilst you safely withdraw from alcohol.

      The other problem is that they have offered you no follow up help. If you've been a heavy daily drinker for a long time, the alcohol changes your brain and it constantly thinks about having a drink, every waking minute. It is that that drives most people to fail.

      It is very strong instinct and very difficult to fight without the right help.

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    • Posted

      Thank you Misssy2.

      On day 3 and last night was alright. Took me awhile to fall asleep because I kept stressing out about everything and had some not too horrible nightmares and some shivers but no desire to drink. Just tired today

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    • Posted

      I.knows exactly how you feel. Day 4-6 was worst for me. Day 7 was great and today day 8 is another.great day, I have my thoughts back. I have my hope back. I just feel so much better. I'm still not sleeping the great even on klonopin (very high dose) but at least I'm not waking up hungover and wanting a drink. Hang in there, every day gets better and better smile

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    • Posted

      being tired can be a trigger.

      Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (H.A.L.T.) spells halt....so that means...stop and address each one of these things and your trigger to drink will lessen.

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    • Posted

      Tiredness is a big trigger, as is being really hungry and lonely. Those were the three triggers for my last bout just under a week ago.  It all seemed to happen so fast, and I have memory loss of alot of it, so it seems like now that it didnt really happen. A day and half a night lost, and then the next day I was round at my 92 year old aunts birthday party with all the family, and it was lovely, and I didnt even feel that ill. 

      I had woken up in a strangers house - on the sofa - and forgot how I got there. Luckily, he was honourable, and had actually cooked for me, because I just drank all day and didnt eat.  Also it wasnt very far from where I lived.  

      That sensation - waking up and not knowing where on earth you are is one I have had far too many times, and never want to experience again!

      Am taking antabuse again, but both me and my OH know its not really the answer, just a temporary fix.

      A change in state of mind and response to stress is whats needed.

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    • Posted

      Today is day 3.

      Later in the day I started to have cravings and worst I realized while grocery shopping that tomorrow ( day 4) is going to be 100 times worst since I am having a BBQ at my house for my friends.

      At first I thought that I could make an exception but then I realized that I have a choice and that if I do this right that it should be ok.

      I let people close to me know how I feel and how they can help me get through this tomorrow.

      I can do this...

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    • Posted

      You can so do this! Its day 8 for me I have basically been hiding out in my house where I feel safe. I hope your bbq goes wonderful and you stay strong, I believe in you. My new habit has been chugging water and eating pickles lol . Beats being drunk and eating the whole house
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    • Posted

      If you get through the BBQ without having a drink you can totally be proud of yourself.  I had a friend come to stay a few days ago who I hadnt seen for over 15 years, and we worked together and used to have many drinking sessions together, and he still likes a drink. Because of my problem, I didnt drink at all, while my friend, husband and son had quite a few. I felt a bit awkward at first, but soon we were all just laughing and joking, and I enjoyed myself anyway. It can definitely be done. 

      The problem is that its not those situations that trigger my dysfunctional drinking - its the stressful ones.  

      Anyway, hope it goes really well for you.

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    • Posted

      You woke up ill on the day of visiting for the birthday party?

      Or the day before that?

      It IS such a scary feeling.  To make you feel better you are not alone.

      The last time I drank...I jumped around (driving) to different bars.  

      At this time..I can not remember the order in which I got to each bar and I can't remember the actual "driving"...I can remember some events from each bar but I have no concept of how long I stayed at each bar.

      I can't recall faces of the people I talked to...now when I walk into a store....I wonder...did that person see me that night?

      It is a very SCARY feeling.

       

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    • Posted

      I woke up at 3 am in a strange house after going out to a local nightclub at 5am the morning before!  I was staying the night in a hotel because we were having some noisy work done on our house, so the whole point was to have a nice peacful night!  What a mistake!  I had eaten hardly anything and was drinking - a bit - to try to help me get off, but I couldnt.

      The hotel was near the seafront - we live in a seaside town, and I could the nightclub going all night. I could have gone to sleep - it wasnt that loud - but I could hear the 'thum thum' of the music.

      In the end I thought - what the hell - I'll go down there for just one drink. OK, very stupid idea.  I ended up hanging around the streets with some weirdo's until the pubs opened, then spent most of the afternoon and evening getting plastered - and dont remember any of it. I vaguely remember a couple of pubs.  

      The guy whose house I ended up in lived just round the corner, and I woke up with a start at 3 in the morning, and just thought, - 'Oh Christ, not Again'.  Luckily, my son never found out as he thought I was in the hotel.

      I did go to bed at home for a few hours, but got up and was determined to seem normal and go to the birthday party, and I'm very glad I did. My mum who has Alzheimers had a wonderful time as did everyone else.

      All I know is, I just have to stop. I have to recongise the triggers and have some way of halting them - not giving in!

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    • Posted

      A very scary event!  My story that night I went out was not much different except I didn't wake up at a strangers house.

      But, all the feelings are the same...Oh no...Not again.

      And not wanting others to know.

      And trying to act normal...when we ARE NOT NORMAL.

      Thank God that you are safe...and hopefully this was scary enough for this not to happen again.  But one never knows with US.

      Just do the best you can..One day at a time.

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    • Posted

      That must have been scary. I have had moments were I have forgot things or small parts. And that feeling the next morning...totally get you! The regret, shame and trying to look "normal".

      I will bring you along with me in spirit to my BBQ to keep me strong. ?

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    • Posted

      Thankyou Smile and Missy.   Yes, most of the time we are normal. My husband always says that the people I meet when I'm 'gone' probably dont recognise me sober, as he thinks I look totally different. I  wear my hair differently, I wear different sort of clothes.

      Unfortunately I'm not sure thats totally true. 

      I have sometimes been so ashamed after a 'run off' that I havent gone out of the house for a few weeks, I'm so worried about someone recognising me, and a couple of times I think they have.

      Its easy to just say - I'm two different people, and the one who does those things isnt the real me', but of course this is an excuse.  Of course its me.

      My husband wants me to have therapy to try to work out why I get these urges. He thinks it goes back to my childhood and various complications. I'll do anything if it helps. In the meantime I've got the antabuse.

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