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Hi all. So, this is my second visit to depression, first time round was maybe teen years ago, diagnosed as clinical depression then and I was very unwell for a long time. I don't remember most of it but I do remember swearing to myself that it would never happen again. But it has.

I started on 20mg Citalopram and some sleeping tablet in February, the sleeping tablet was dropped a few weeks later. I think it was about three weeks ago that I was put on 30mg Citalopram and 15mg Mirt. I an still finding it difficult getting to sleep and I am still drinking way too much alcohol trying to get to sleep. Don't even mention weight. Arrggghhhh.

I have become a recluse. I hate, absolutely hate to leave the house. I hate when the phone rings and I hide when I see the postman.

I think about putting an end to it all frequently but I'm afraid I'd mess it up and end up so severely disabled I'd still be thoroughly depressed and completely incapable of any escape.

I am in a big black all encompassing hole. Since starting with mirt I no longer cry (I was crying all day long before) and I have a curious feeling of calm despite always feeling really anxious and scared at the same time.

I spend my day doing mostly nothing, time just passes, I have the attention span of a goldfish. I set myself tasks to try and get moving, I'm largely unsuccessful in achieving them.

I think that's basically a fair description of how things are for me. Just wanted to record out here for any other lurkers looking to find someone, something to identify with. Depression is such a lonely place to be.

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  • Posted

    Dear Aitchelle; so sorry to hear you are in such a slump. You are really suffering. When I was low I was told to take baby steps. I wasn't able to talk to anyone but had to take my dog a walk. She has saved my sanity. I used to look down at the ground so I wouldn't have to speak to anyone, and would avoid their path. Strange now to look back and see how bad I was.

    Baby steps was the answer. Now I am nearly back to normal: I do instigate chat while out walking but am taking 45mg Mirtazapine and some Pregabalin which helps tremendously. My confidence is completely shot but I pretend a lot. It works.

    I hope things improve for you very soon - perhaps today.

    Ann

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  • Posted

    Hi aitchelle,

    Firstly, I think you've done extremely well to post exactly how you are feeling on this forum. That takes a lot of courage.

    I sympathize for you massively having felt exactly the same as you do now. One thing I will promise you is that it WILL get better for you, it is a very slow and horrible process but you will start to see light at the end of the tunnel, trust me.

    The Mirtazapine should really start kicking in within 3-4 weeks, it was a god send for me and many others. I remember the days when my GP was prescribing me every AD under the sun and you want and wish for them to work instantly but unfortunately it does take time.

    I remember not wanting to be here any more, many times but I simply could not go through with doing anything about those horrid feelings and thoughts.

    You are not alone in your battle and if you ever want to chat then feel free to message me! I am new to this site so I am not sure if you can private message.

    One thing I would recommend is to always have someone with you during your days of darkness, even if you don't feel like talking to them, simply knowing they are there for you is a massive comfort.

    I honestly wish you all the best and hope the Mirtazapine starts to really kick in and help with your recovery.

    Scott

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  • Posted

    I agree with Scot - don't be alone. A doctor on the television this week said that living alone is equivalent to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Perish the thought: have company whenever you can. Best of luck: we are all thinking of you.
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  • Posted

    Aitchelle, I completely empathise with your plight. You are to be commended for reaching out into this forum. This shows that deep down you have the desire to live and work through this. Are you in the UK?
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  • Posted

    Oh I wish I had a magic wand for you!  I've been there but never for more than a couple of weeks and that was bad enough.   I also know about wanting to end it all but being afraid I won't succeed and will be even worse off.    I've just come out of a few weeks of hoping the chest pains I was experienced were building up to another heart attack and I'd decided this time I wouldn't call the ambulance.

    I have no experience of the medication you're on because reading other people's personal experiences on this site convinced me not to start taking the mirt my gp prescribed for PSTD.

    You do know alcohol is a depressant?  Not criticising you at all, but it's almost certainly not helping your situation.   

    You express yourself well in writing, so please find some consolation in the fact that part of your brain is obviously still working well and writing to this forum is a good step forward.

    Is there no-one you can talk to about this?  Yr gp, a crisis line, a friend or family member?    Risky I know, because some people, even professionals, don't respond well to us when we're depressed.   

    I've been alive a long time and have found that there's ALWAYS support, but it may not be exactly when we want it or from whom we expect it.

    Please - take care of yourself and stay in touch with this forum, I'll be thinking of you and so will others

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  • Posted

    Did you have a good night's sleep? ready to feel better about the new day? We are all there with you, Aitchelle.
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