Beginning life on 20mg cit (so far so good)

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Not sure if I had a mental break down but something clicked that I was on a depressive downward spiral. My partner was on cit for just over a year and I saw her pretty much in a bubble. She was happy her life and was going well. I was dealing with hating my dad, who is dead which is a bit of problem to reconcile. Also a bucket of low self esteem which seems to have started in school due to bullying. I realised I had projected an alter ego for about 20 years then I found myself unable to do so because I was no longer having fun.

Anyway 2 weeks on 20mg Cit had me bouncing off the walls. The first night was like on acid, xtc and waking up on speed. This got less over the week. Eventually about 2weeks in it happened the calm... every thing is fine followed by another week of being fine then half a day of part of me screaming let me out and kicking a door from the inside of my skull/brain. No way, whoever you are you are staying in there. Then I had a feeling part of me was being bound and tied and told to shut up.

So far the best bit has been no labido and no sexual aggression infact I haven't had an erection, a full one, for weeks. Only this morning did a get a full EME. It's bliss. Another thing is I find a lot more confidence in wearing femine boxer shorts and find men's boxers too demanding. This scared my partner a bit and thought I was going into cross dressing. Also it has destroyed my appetite and I don't enjoy eating I have fasted for 2 days, this may help in some weight loss as I need to lose 25% of my current weight. Sleeping is a bit hit and miss but my confidence has increased.

I feel I don't have to talk to anyone and would prefer no one to talk to me and to let me get on with life. I no longer get suicidal thoughts or selfharming fantasies, although now and then they happen which ought to pass I hope. Did upset my partner when I was with my mum in B&Q because it was so tedious I made a text comment about slitting my wrists but that was in the first 2 weeks.

I can be more open if I want to be and my partner wants to take me out for dinner on Thursday but currently I not bothered. Most likely will go. More interested in going to Spain with a mate for a weekend, getting to Austria to see a friend for a weekend and going to Denmark to play in a tournament... ie live some life.

Downsides have been biting my nails... didn't used to but find it relaxing and smoking bigger role ups.

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    Done 4 weeks now. I don't see a reason to stop. The calm mood with bits of happiness is great. But I do get down out work and feel really bad... this stops when I leave work.
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  • Posted

    My partner gave me a cream slice last night. I stared at it and thought and thought... I can eat it, so I gave it to a mate.

    Found out that I have lost 10 kilos over a month roughly 2stone. I was an overweight 16stone and now I'm an overweight 14 stone. IIRC I need to be 75kg so 15 more kilos to lose. Some benefit to cit for me... jeans keep falling down though.

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  • Posted

    So far good mood. But my family really pisses me off. My mum is critical, my sister is a boring loud mouth, my uncle is a stubborn old fart.

    I love my own family but the so called blood relations drive me nuts. Went on holiday with my mum and my kids and there was an argument about what we should do and I found myself thinking about blowing my brains out. On the whole the holiday turned out ok but noticed that anything stressful puts me back in a dark place.

    Hate my job... which means I can find myself in those dark places several times a day.

    I'm glad I have lost my labido but noticed after 6 weeks I'm starting to get erections again. This worries me because I am really happy with no sex drive. I don't lear, masturbate or bother my partner for sex. Simply the pounding desire for sexual relief has been boxed until a later date and I love that, so erections are bothering me because I can think about sex but not have any reaction but If I do it now I start getting erections. I think my partner may interpret them as sexual agression which is not the case... best talk to her.

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  • Posted

    Reduce stress with regular exercise, Reduce or limit refined carbohydrates and sugar intake,

    Avoid caffeine and other stimulants, Limit dairy products and red meat....

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  • Posted

    I have about 2 cups of coffee a day with a sugar in one. I don't call it excessive. I am trying to avoid cheese and red meat (don't like the latter). Also pasta is off my list, I think it is boring.

    Funny thing is I'm ok on Red Bull. But I don't drink it frequently. Exercise is the problem because I cannot find the time to do it.

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  • Posted

    Went to the doctors to get more cit and spoke about counselling. Right Steps are going to call me on Wednesday and I have 2 weeks off work due to 'stress'. This will be reviewed in 2 weeks time.

    I felt a bit odd calling in sick because I felt that I was not. My partner reassured me 'that you are'. However, I must keep focused and do something constructive during this time and not veg out in front of a tv.

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  • Posted

    I think I have got used to the hunger. I know I'm hungry but I cannot face food. Hey look it's lunch time what can I eat. I could eat ... nothing because I don't feel like it.
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  • Posted

    Went on a small holiday but lost my meds somewhere. Luckily it was a couple of days but was amazed sucidal thoughts came back because I missed taking it one night. Got to get some more soon and have some for tonight. Wednesday is a talk to right steps and they can triage me.
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  • Posted

    Went back to the Doctor's for another sick note and asked to put the meds up. Any stress is putting me right down, although I bounce out of it it is scary. So I'm trying 40mg tonight and some zopoclone to sleep.
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  • Posted

    Stopped feeling high. Which is good.

    Had a down episode which was bad.

    I've had 2 nights of really weird dreams, even by my standards.

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