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Not sure if I had a mental break down but something clicked that I was on a depressive downward spiral. My partner was on cit for just over a year and I saw her pretty much in a bubble. She was happy her life and was going well. I was dealing with hating my dad, who is dead which is a bit of problem to reconcile. Also a bucket of low self esteem which seems to have started in school due to bullying. I realised I had projected an alter ego for about 20 years then I found myself unable to do so because I was no longer having fun.
Anyway 2 weeks on 20mg Cit had me bouncing off the walls. The first night was like on acid, xtc and waking up on speed. This got less over the week. Eventually about 2weeks in it happened the calm... every thing is fine followed by another week of being fine then half a day of part of me screaming let me out and kicking a door from the inside of my skull/brain. No way, whoever you are you are staying in there. Then I had a feeling part of me was being bound and tied and told to shut up.
So far the best bit has been no labido and no sexual aggression infact I haven't had an erection, a full one, for weeks. Only this morning did a get a full EME. It's bliss. Another thing is I find a lot more confidence in wearing femine boxer shorts and find men's boxers too demanding. This scared my partner a bit and thought I was going into cross dressing. Also it has destroyed my appetite and I don't enjoy eating I have fasted for 2 days, this may help in some weight loss as I need to lose 25% of my current weight. Sleeping is a bit hit and miss but my confidence has increased.
I feel I don't have to talk to anyone and would prefer no one to talk to me and to let me get on with life. I no longer get suicidal thoughts or selfharming fantasies, although now and then they happen which ought to pass I hope. Did upset my partner when I was with my mum in B&Q because it was so tedious I made a text comment about slitting my wrists but that was in the first 2 weeks.
I can be more open if I want to be and my partner wants to take me out for dinner on Thursday but currently I not bothered. Most likely will go. More interested in going to Spain with a mate for a weekend, getting to Austria to see a friend for a weekend and going to Denmark to play in a tournament... ie live some life.
Downsides have been biting my nails... didn't used to but find it relaxing and smoking bigger role ups.
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