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Being attacked by the black dog of depression

Posted , 5 users are following.

M0nster
M0nster

Hi,

I would like to ask you how you came over and finish your depression? I am being attacked by the black dog of depression since December, 2012.

I was living the great life but I don't know from where a black storm came and destroyed my whole life as my girl friend met with a car accident and that accident get finished with her life (May her soul Rest In Peace) at that time I was giving the final examinations of my army training. I got good grades but get failed in psychological test as It was the last wish of my GF to see me in the uniform. I knew I was not in the condition to pass my psychological test because of my girl friend but I was trying to complete her last wish.

Since 2012, there is not any single day on which I don't cry or thinking to attempt suicide. Psychologist gave me a suggestion to re appear in my mental health test but I did not. Every thing was finished, my gf, my dreams and her dreams. In the real words I love her. I will love her till the natural end of my life. I promised her to not to leave her for ever that is why I do not have any kind of relationship and I will not have any. I also don't have any friend neither I need any friend. I had tons of friends but I left them all after this because I wanted and want to live alone.

My best friend came from the different state, I gave him shelter but in the starting of 2013, he stole my money, my mobile, my debit card and my cheque book, it was not even singed while I was taking shower and he flew back. I don't know where he is now.

Now after the years full of depression, I want to move on and start my new life. Neither with any girl nor with any friend but just alone. as I feel good when I am alone.

Last week I met with my father, I borrow some three zeros US dollars to go to different country and to start my new life because I feel very uncomfortable here in my homeland. I don't go outside and when I go then I feel that every eye is seeing me from the different point of view I know this is some sort of pessimistic thinking but It is what it is.

I wrote to 100s of lawyers and 100s of people there (where I want to go to start my new life, business/job purpose) but still not any good responses as It is also a cause of depression.

One again I would like to ask you the same question as I asked you earlier "How you came over and trying to come over and finish your depression?"

Would it work for me to go to new place? Will it help me to come over with my depression?

Thank you.

Best Regards.

1 like, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • evergreen
    evergreen M0nster

    Posted

    I am so sorry about your girl friend. You have the type of depression which is sparked by a tradgedy in your life. Anyone who has gone through what you have done would be depressed. I just hope that eventually, with time you will start to feel better, but it's a big shame that you have no one in your life.

    For me, depression was first triggered by having my second child. So it was post natal depression. I have had depression on and off for 20 years now since then. I have not had any reaal tradgedies in my life so far, but have had my share of stress and relationship problems. For me, I think it is a chemical imbalance that I have and I take the drug, mirtazapine, which has been a Godsend to me. I think that I will probably be on it for life.

    • evergreen
      evergreen

      Posted

      Sorry about my spelling. I mean 'tragedy'. smile
    • M0nster
      M0nster evergreen

      Posted

      Hi, evergreen, Thanks for your reply, tips and giving me your precious time.

      I believe, to live alone is good for me so, no one can hurt me and I will not have any fear to loose some loved one once again.

      Once again thanks for your kind and very helpful reply.

      Wishing you the best health with happy and long life.

  • sean74924
    sean74924 M0nster

    Posted

    Your self isolation sounds so like mine it's scary, I had a major happening in my life That took me away from friends and family and I've stayed away now  for 12 Years, I too like being alone it's where I am happiest, it's where no one can see me,  but is that really right?? Are we making it worse by isolating ourselves?? I dunno.  I know what you mean by  the black dog, it's horrible, the worst feeling you can have, I too was thinking of suicide daily I live in the past, I let the past ruin me, I know this is not the way to live but yet I do it, and so do you, but this is about you now,  you have made a massive effort going to different shores to start a new life, for that I take my hat off to you sir, I am yet to leave my front door, but my plans are exactly your plans, get away from my country and start living. Again, I know that ain't gona be easy, and seems it isn't, but hang on their mate it will get easier on that score I am sure.  As for your question about finishing depression I finally told my doctor and I am now one week into some anti depressant that I am scared of, but if it's the answer to give me some mental strength back then so be it, have you tried that?  I think you're trying hard and that's all you can do, but some medicine by just give you a little bit of hope back,  always here friend if you want to talk message me anytime

     

    • M0nster
      M0nster sean74924

      Posted

      Hi Sean,

      I can't find the suitable words to say you thanks because If I say you thanks million times even than it will not be enough because you are understanding my each word.

      May be isolating ourselves is worst but much better than loosing some one in future. I lost my physical and mental power.

      Thanks again for giving me suggestion on to start new life in a new country.

      and no, I did not see any doctor because I am afraid, A doctor gave me my final report with F stamp on it, in my final exams and Doctors could not save my GF.

      The only thing I use as a medicine are cigarettes. I do smoke, I smoke a lot. I am in my 20s of age frame now but still cry like a 5 years old kid.

      once again thanks for your help Sean. I am very very very thankful to you.

      I believe, you can easily understand, What I am trying to say to you.

    • sean74924
      sean74924 M0nster

      Posted

      Yes I totally understand you, the only reason I say meds is because it's my last hope, and a hope for you, what have you to Lose?  I never accepted my severe depression for 20 years i never told anyone, I dont know how but I just blurted it out (unplanned) last week at my doctor and I am one week into the treatment,  everyone I've spoke to and had advise from says it's the thing I need to do to 'turn the light back on" I got to believe them mate,  I

      have to, or I have no other way, moving away will be a great start, but  your mind it needs a break, it needs help, you can't give it, I was thinking if my mum would like to see me like this and she would be devastated ive got myself into this state and I am guess your girlfriend would too,  I am 43  now and I rememeber thinking in my 20's I needed help but of course you just don't do that  in your 20's, but please change that mate, what have you got to lose? Your future is a good one it really is,  you need cancelling and medication, you can't deal with this on your own sat there in your own thoughts like that, you'll go mad, I know that feeling all to well, and it's had to just get up and do it, I'm with you on this one,  I'm the same, I a, just better at giving advice than taking it. 

    • M0nster
      M0nster sean74924

      Posted

      Thanks Sean for your help but I don't know how to force myself to see a doctor. I want to finish this stink eye for a doctor. Help me about this. How can I finish this fear?

      I don't have any thing to loose. you are quite true but I don't want to loose if I will get any thing.

      You said "everyone I've spoke to and had advise from says it's the thing I need to do to 'turn the light back on" I got to believe them mate," How this help you? How advises from the other people giving you the comfort? Sorry about my silly questions. but are you saying that the trust is spinal cord of beautiful life? But How? Once again, Sorry. but I believe you can help me. I would like to send u a personal message if you don't mind.

      "I was thinking if my mum would like to see me like this and she would be devastated ive got myself into this state and I am guess your girlfriend would too," It's hurt. I am crying now. I want to see her happy in the heaven. This thing is killing me.

      I want to fight and move on. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to live with the good memories but every time good memories lost with my tears. Help me, I really need your help.

      Anxiously looking forward for your answers.

  • Mermaid3011
    Mermaid3011 M0nster

    Posted

    Hi Monster, 

    my condolences about losing your girl friend. That must have been traumatic and I can see how the grieving process is still going on for you. 

    Moving to a different country might help to start fresh, I did the same thing about 7 years ago, but the depression will move with you. So you must make sure that you see a doctor/psychiatrist soon after your move and keep taking your antidepressants.

    Moving on is good, but you wont be able to move on and lead a happy fullfilling life without people around you. Friends, Neighbours, Family, Colleagues. You need a strong support system to overcome depression.

    My family are mostly my friends. Without them I would have not survived the last 6 months. But now I have multiple columns that keep my roof from collapsing: 

    Friends, Hobbies, a comfortable home, a job and colleagues, a great psychiatrist, a great psychologist, a great GP and my dog. 

    All these people or things make recovery from depression possible. Because if one breaks down, the other columns still make sure the house keeps standing.

    I hope you find a way to build your safe and secure "house" with many good people who will support you.

    This forum is already one of them! smile

    • M0nster
      M0nster Mermaid3011

      Posted

      Hello Mermaid,

      First of all I would like to say thanks to you for your detailed and very helpful reply.

      It's mean you came over with your depression by turning your depressions into social life. Thanks for your tips.

      I had a dream few days ago in which my GF was crying and I was asking her the reason behind her tears.

      I know it's a pessimistic thinking but after having a chaos, I was thinking, she does not want to see me like this, She wants me to fight with my depression and the only thing which came to my mind is, If I have to come over with my depression thn there is only one possible move, to a different country and you are quite true about moving to a different country because I also have to leave my alone life otherwise this cure will not fix me. I am thankful to you for giving me this point.

      Yes, this forum is really a good place and people like you, Sean and Evergreen just make this forum a family with lots of love and care.

      Best Regards.

  • elizabeth20203
    elizabeth20203 M0nster

    Posted

    Hello, Firstly i wish you didn't use the name MOnster, i hope this is not how you see yourself. I am very sorry for you loss of your girlfriend, it is such a tragic loss and so young too. Unfortunately we cannot change the past but hopefully you can in time accept this. You will never forget her and will remember the good times and memories you shared and that that will give you some comfort. You cannot see yourself with a future at the moment because you have not dealt with the loss. Berevement can take a long time to recover from and it takes many stages. Shock and acceptance are the first stages and anger can be another one. Have you though about berevement counselling. It's not a cure but maybe a way of working through your feelings. Cruse is one organisation that deals with this. A new fresh start can help also. Isolation is difficult as at stages in life we need people. You don't have to get close but meet new friends. It's good that you have come to this forum to talk and we can support you and as we are all strangers, being anonomous means we can say how we feel. I don't want to patronise you but i have lost a loved one tragically, my husband at aged 28, thou in different circumstanses. I know the pain and thou it's been a long time it still surfaces. I had to get on with my life because i had two children that needed me. You will never forget your girlfriend but you will learn to live with the loss. Please think about some support as talking really can help, i know it's not always a man thing to talk but it can be a release. Stay with th forum as people want to help. 

    Best wishes.

    Elizabeth.

    • M0nster
      M0nster elizabeth20203

      Posted

      Hi Elizabeth, I would like to say thanks for your kind and helpful perusal.

      I know M0nster is not a name for me. I don't want to be a monster but I want to fight with the black dog so may be, a monster can fight and win because I don't have my physical and mental power to fight on.

      Monster is a name who is not showing my culture, my religion and my race etc.

      I know there is no one out there who is going to live for ever not even Alexander The Great lived for ever but my girl friend's young grave killed me.

      My problems now.

      1. What will happen after making new friends? because If any of my future friend will deceive me then I will move more down into this dark horrible well.

      2. I can't start my life with a woman because I promised with my girl friend. I can't forget her memories and that is why it is not a solution.

      3. As I said to Sean, I am afraid of doctor. I damn afraid and in the second time of period I fill with a blind rage just because of doctor.

      The only solution which came to my mind is to have a new environment. I was searching all the possible solutions.

      I also know to go to the graveyard and cry all the time is not good enough for me. Now, I just want to fight, fight and fight but I don't know how to finish this life?

      Having long words with you and sharing my problems here giving me a lot of comfort, because you people are great, you are understanding my problems and giving me your helpful suggestions, kind help and positive supports.

      Last night I was feeling much comfortable, after many months of terror and depression, I was sleeping like a horse man.

      Please try to understand  my word "thanks" for your help because I don't have any words of any language to say thanks, to explain my wishes to you and to the great people like you who are trying to help me.

      Best Regards.

  • angelita1982
    angelita1982 M0nster

    Posted

    Hi M0nster,

    I just want you to know you're not alone.  Somehow when you make the choice to have a better life it will happen but first it starts with faith.  I believe every situation occurs to take us to our higher purpose.  Your girlfriend wants the best life for you.  she wants you to love yourself as you do her.  She completed her purpose her now complete yours.  I wll have you in my prayers and hope you can see the bueaty in your life.  Forgive and bless your friend for what he did, remember you had an opportunity to love, now you need to decide to live for yourself and whoever else might be waiting for you down your path. And forgive yourself you only did your best at the time. 

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