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Being Bipolar is challenging but I was thinking

Posted , 3 users are following.

justbeingme2
justbeingme2

How long can you apologize to those you hurt. Will they ever understand you weren't well? How long do you hold on to hope that these people you hurt will love you again or trust you when they won't even discuss how they truly feel about you. I've been struggling with this but I think I have to, must! Leave it all in the past. I don't want to beg anymore. I don't want to be and look pathetic. I hurt them, I get it. How long do I hope and pray for a response on how they feel about us. I'm "normal" now. Take my meds, go to therapy. I love myself and believe in me. I just have found it difficult to forgive me for what I did. Now, I'm thinking...for my own good, I need to leave the past in the past. I lost that battle...I surrender because I want to live life to its fullest. The hope and love for them has not allowed me to move on. I think I must for my own healthy life. I'll always regret that I hurt them but I can't change it. They don't know the real loving, caring person I am. I'm flawed but I strive to be the best I can be today. Soon, I'll be making decisions that won't ever allow them back in. I can honestly say...I tried! But I have to live my life with or without them. I'll always love them. I think I've done my best. They were my world and they'll never know how much. Thanks for reading...just had to get it off my chest. See it in writing and know that its time to let go.

1 like, 6 replies

6 Replies

  • Violeta_01
    Violeta_01 justbeingme2

    Posted

    Hello,

    I'm bp1 and your reflections very much reflected my past year,leaving a precious relationship,even though we were broken up, I started a new one immediately. But I was anything but happy or well. Soon had a full blown psychotic episode lasting months...and keeping it bottled up. I finally am on new meds, therapy,etc but I always feel the wrath of me not knowing when to just push my impulsive reckless,hurtful traits aside. Feel like trash when I had it all. 24 yr female. I wish you the best.

    • justbeingme2
      justbeingme2 Violeta_01

      Posted

      Yes! Thank you! I need to let go because this person let me go. I just loved them to death! Its been so difficult letting go but I think its time. I'll always love them but I love me too! Thanks for sharing.
  • archemedes
    archemedes justbeingme2

    Posted

    Years ago I was married to a girl that I loved with all my heart and she became very unwell.

    It took many years for her to get a diagnosis during which time I was forced to leave, leaving her and our three young children.

    This only happened because she convinced me that this was what she really wanted.

    After I had left I tried to go about reconstructing my life as best I could, but if could have turned the clock back I would have much preferred to be with her and my children.

    Many years later when it was clear that there would be no reconcilliation I remarried and made a new life for myself.

    A year or so later my ex wife not knowing that I had  moved-on wrote to me and apologised for her past behaviour, explaining that she had only just received a diagnosis of bi-polr disorder, and she asked me to go back to her.

    It was all just too late.

    So here we are today some 40 years down the line, and you might ask me what I now think, now that I have the benefit of lifes experiences,

    Well for one thing, although I am still happily married to my second wife I am still very much in love with the girl that I was forced to walk away from.

    Real lives were shattered by that horrible illness, including that of my wife, my children, me and her parents.

    There have been many more victims of mental illness than us, and I believe that sometimes life forces away from what we love, and all we are left with is the shell of what used to be in our minds.

    So all I would say to you in your case is those who were most affected by your illness have now probsbly moved on, leaving you to get your own life together. You have apologise, which was the correct thing to do, but as in my case it was probably all too late.

    If it makes you feel any better you could write to them and apologise once again, but then just get on with your life - you owe that to yourself - just don't waste it in regret as I did.

    • justbeingme2
      justbeingme2 archemedes

      Posted

      Thank you for sharing archemedes. I couldn't understand that for years. I cried myself to sleep and didn't want to leave without him. I'm still angry that I have bipolar and how it took away the only man I truly loved. If I could tell you my life story and how I finally met a man I actually wanted to marry. I wanted a child with him. I wanted to be his and he mine. I was in love and still am. However, after three plus years, I have to let go because it holds me back from the possibility of meeting someone who could take my breath away like this man did. I changed and am healthy. I am going to college for human services...to help people like I was helped in my darkest days. I guess he didn't allow closure because he never told me how he felt or wether he still loved me but we couldn't be. I won't have closure just like I'll never know who my father is. I can say, losing him was death for a few years but slowly I'm finding the strength. He emails from time to time. I know one day he will stop that too. I want to be emotionally ready to accept it. I need to let go now. It is one of the hardest things I've had to do. No one will love him as much as I do but none of it matters. I get what you are saying and understand. I understand his position...it was my heart that didn't want to let go. I lost him, there is no going back...I get it now and must let go.
    • archemedes
      archemedes justbeingme2

      Posted

      As you have rightly said, it is one of the hardest things in life that we could ever have to do, but at the end of the day we still have a life to lead, so what should we do - live a life of regret, or try to move on?

      Moving on is the only option left for us, but I would still be tempted to write it all down and send it to him, as it may well help him to try to get over this sad incident, because it will have been very difficult for him too.

      My very best wishes for your future, which I know will be brighter than it has been to date.

      R x

    • justbeingme2
      justbeingme2 archemedes

      Posted

      Thank you! I will tell him but as in the past, he probably wont say anything about it but I will tell him one last time and pray I can move on. Believe me, I've come a long way! Thanks for the advice! I want to stop hurting and have a happy healthy life. I'm almost there! Big hug and thanks!
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