Being blackmailed into having sex - help?

Posted , 9 users are following.

I really do not know what to do here. I haven't had contact with my ex in over s month now, but last night he messaged me saying he wanted me to have sex with him, which I told him no, I don't want to. He mentally/emotionally abused me in the relationship and I have only just started to get myself back to a tiny bit of normality and he comes back into my life. He has also been accused of rape by a girl which went to court but he was found not guilty. I am NOT saying he has raped me etc, I am simply offering some information on he's precious accusation as it seems his actions are making that look fairly true. I don't know. Anyway, when I said no to sex, he then told me if I did not then he would expose me. I asked how he would do this and he sent a picture of his camera and told me that when we last had sex, he filmed it. I asked to see the actual proof; the video but he continues to still not show me. I know some people would say he probably doesn't have anything so leave it, but I know what he is like. He asked me once before if I would film it and I said no, he has also filmed be giving oral to him which I know he saved as I begged at the time for him to delete it. I was not happy it was filmed and saved at all. So my issue is that even if he doesn't have a video of us having sex, he does have a video at least that he could put out as he says he will. My parents do not know a thing; they know I saw him once but asked me to stop seeing him as they didn't like the sound of him. I then went behind their back and carried on seeing him as I am in a vulnerable state and clearly not thinking straight. I can't talk to my parents because they think I'm still a Virgin; that I haven't even kissed a guy let alone anything else so I can't tell them this. They would be extremely disappointed and disgusted that this has all happened. Where can I go to talk to someone about this? I feel stuck. I feel I have to have sex with him now as its my only option; he said if I stay quiet, everything will be ok and I'll get to delete the video. I'm scared because I don't want to have sex with him, but I don't want my family finding out either. I feel it's my only option and I need to talk to someone. Please reply, thankyou, Jodie x

1 like, 15 replies

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15 Replies

  • Posted

    Blackmail is a criminal offence.

    Just say NO to sex, and mention in passing that if he does blackmail you, you will take it straight to the police, and if he continues to harass you the same thing will happen.

    This chap sounds like the lowest of the low, to be avoided at all costs.

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    • Posted

      The Police have dealt with this sort of thing many times before and they generally know how best to deal with it.

      The simple fact is that if you give in to a blackmailer, then what is to stop them coming back for more again and again?

      If he releases any compromising photographs involving you in a blackmail situation, he will have committed at least one maybe two criminal offences.

      My advice to you would be to contact the police now about this matter, and turn the tables on him by telling him that they are involved.

      That should stop him dead in his tracks.

       

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  • Posted

    Hi Jodie

    I'd suggest you contact the Police. Blackmail on its won is a criminal offence and now that revenge porn is a criminal act (although he hasn't posted it) they should be able to act as the intent as been shown and you have the message to show that.

    You can request a female officer and that might be easier person to talk to.

    Don't forget in this you are the victim, you are not the one responsible for this. If you're under 16 then finding out you are sexually active might come as a shock but us parents have a knack of wanting to protect and defend our kids regardless of worrying baout age or activity. Same goes no matter what age really.

    Don't give him in to the demands for sex as the threat may always be used to coerce you in to something you don't want and you do not deserve that.

    Please give great thought to talking to the Police. They may decide to simply have a chat and point out the potential of jail time if he does post and of course they will be aware or they might be able to take action anyway. I know you might think Police involvement might equate to parents finding out but that isn't always the case.

    Please take care

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    • Posted

      I am 19 years old but they would be very shocked and disappointed in me if they knew, I have thought about talking to the police but I feel a little stupid and also worried that it may cause him a lot of trouble which isn't my aim, I just don't want something like that out there for everyone to see
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  • Posted

    Hello Jodie,

    do NOT let ur ex partner blackmail or bully you into something you do not want to do. If it was me in your situation I would save these messages from him and take them straight to the police and let them deal with him. If you give in to him once he will keep doing it again and again.  if he does have intimate videos of you, which is nothing to be ashamed of, at some point in relationships most couples would send intimate texts,pictures or take videos with both parties consent and for private use/viewing. However you have stated you are not happy about these videos and did not agree to be involved in them so I would look into this and if action can be taken against him for this. he would need your consent to upload or   Make this footage public and without your consent some sort of legal action could be taken against him? I would also seek advice from a solicitor about some sort of restraining order against him to stop him from bothering and harassing you any further and allow you to move on and rebuild your life after suffering from mental/emotional abuse from this person in the past.  Numerous times throughout your message you  have stated that you did NOT wish to have sex with this person and feel u have no choice to do so due to the pressure he's putting on you...if you did have sex with him and did not wish to and made your feelings clear to him then this in my eyes is still classed as rape...no means no! This is only my personal opinion but in one it helps xxx

     

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    • Posted

      Thankyou for your response. No, I certainly do not want to have sex with him. I know it will cause a spiral of what has happened before and I will be trapped in that once again. I just feel like it's my only option, if I go to the police I'm really scared my family will find out and also it may cause a lot of trouble for him which I don't want. He always said the rape accusation messed his life up, I don't want to mess it up even further? I feel my only option is to just do as he says but then I know j shouldn't either xxx
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    • Posted

      The sad irony is here you do not want to mess his life up any further yet by that you will be messing your own life up :-(

      I said earlier you are the victim here...many abusers are superbly gifted at making their victim feel helpless or sorry for them or embarassed / guilty by others finding out.

      The only reason his life will be "messed up" is purely down to *his* actions, not yours. 

      At 19 your parents will respect your right to be an adult and have relationships, it may be hard for them but their first concern will be you and your safety and if this chap is mentally abusing now then you then you are not safe, as Archimedes says below he is dangerous.

      You've taken a huge courageous step in coming here just need to get a bit more courage and take that nect step to phone / visit the Police

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  • Posted

    You have two options, you do what YOU want and firmly stand your ground and show him you will not allow him to treat you badly anymore as you do not deserve it or you go along with what HE wants and allow him to have a hold over you . You should always go for what you truly want, regardless of what he's blackmailing you with as he will be the one comes out worse off. I understand you don't want this type of footage, if it does exist, shown to the world and your family finding out but who's to say if you do sleep with him he won't go ahead and upload it anyway? I myself am a mother and I can assure you as shocked as your parents may be that you are In fact not still a virgin, that would be the least of their worries if they find out what this ex partner is doing to you, a parents role is to protect and love their children unconditionally and I'm sure they would rather know the truth and offer you support. I would rather my daughter confiding in me of her worries about an intimate video and being blackmailed than keeping it to herself and feeling like she needs to protect my feelings as I would never like the thought of her going threw so,etching like this alone. I would definately go to the police about this and do not worry about your ex partners feelings or the grief that he may be caused due to you taking action against him, it's HIS own fault you didn't ask for any of this he has brought it on himself . Why should you take his feelings into consideration when he clearly doesn't care about yours if he's blackmailing you and threatening to make intimate videos of you public. Look out for yourself and do what you need to do to break free from him.
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  • Posted

    Hi Jodie,

    i thunk that you have done a very brave thing by coming here in the first place. There will be plenty of people here who will maybe be able to give you the support and courage to stand up against this man.

    sometimes weak people will use fear and intimidation to play upon someone elses fears and your biggest fear is that your parents and friends will see this video.

    maybe he is bluffing, maybe he isnt but one thing to bear in mind is that those around you, if they love you and care for you, they would only support you in this and sometimes, it is hard I appreciate, but in a blackmail situation, the best way to deal with it is to defuse the situation and trust those close to you. You dont have to go into any detail, but you can just maybe sit them down and say, how utterly sad and upset you are and just say that you are in a very awkward situation but you dont want to give details but theres this guy who is putting pressure on me to do things I dont want to do. Im sure you will realise later that your loved ones will back you up. But more impirtantly, this guy cannot be allowed to use anything against you in the future , he needs to be dealt with and that may involve him going to the police. I inow it sounds scary but the police can be amazing people and very supportive of you in this time.

    you could of course trap him to gain evidence yourself by simply leaving a phone or re ording device in the room hidden away and just keft to record. 

    Then when he comes around, you steer the conversation in the way that you need to trap him. Be honest but simply tell him that when you say no, you mean no and be direct to him, get him to bury himself so that if it came to it, you could then maybe use it as evidence. I dont know if you could use it in court but might be worth a try.

    anyway, one last thing, if he continues to blackmail you, ask yourself the question, which is worse, months, possibly years of fear and worry of this hanging over your head or worse case scenario, you may have to deal with the embarrassment of telling your family? I think maybe a short time of embarrassment but then the relief of knowing that you are FREE and all the weight off your shoulders AND knowing that he has nothing in you then you will feel so mych better?

    oh yes, ignore my silly suggestion to trap him. Speak to the police after you have told yourvfamily and they will cinfiscate his phone and if it turns up on his phone, they will destroy the video and possibly prosicute him. And if they dont find the evidence then you may not have to worry about it as he probably hasnt got anything on you in the first place.

    not sure if this helps, but dont bottle it up , talk to people like you are doiingbehre and it may just empower you to stand up against him. And you will have the satiisfaction of putting this piece of trash away. If like you say he has been accused of rape then the police will certainly be able to use any other peoples evidence against him.

    good luck and well done for talking,

    kind regards

    chris

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  • Posted

    hi jodie,

    You should contact to police. If you will say yes this time, then he will use to blackmail you every time and will ask you to come again and again. Even it is also possible that if you get agree this time he may make another videos to blackmail you. 

    Do not give him second chance. So you have to complain to police. 

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  • Posted

    I am assuming that you are a young adult and are legally entitled to enter into a sexual relationship. From what you have said in your post in appears that you were caught up in an abusive relationship. In a  good, strong relationship partners support each other in ways that allow us to feel good about ourselves. They do not manipulate each other and extort compliance by threatening and blackmailing. You have a life to live and to grow and develop. It would be a crime if your future was to be damaged by this abuse. But you need the courage to stand up to this abusive behaviour. You cannot turn back the clock but you must not allow yesterdays mistakes to determine your future. This situation must be faced head on and I advise you not to compromise and to reject this attempt at blackmail outright. It really does not matter what your parents might think. it is not their life that is being damaged. The fact is that parents do not see their children as sexual beings and despite our own existance, we cannot imagine our own parents as having a sexual relationship. Sadly,it is easy to give advice and so often far more difficult to take advice. Like others I think that you should also consider contacting the police. Sorry that you are having a bad time but the best way to recover is to fight back.
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  • Posted

    hi Jodie it sounds like you are having a hard time of it at. as a parent I would be more upset if you went through this by yourself without talking to us. most parents would be the same. don't let him black mail you into doing what he wants. life is to short as it is to go through life being somebody sex slave!!! dont let him wreck your life dont worry about his inconvenience think about your future you are still young and have your life in front of you. I would recommend that you go and talk to your parents. as you say they might be upset at first but seeing you distressed how unhappy you, will move heaven and earth to help you. if not go to the police. but dont give in to him

    hope this helps

    jim

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  • Posted

    Try not to let that punk get to you, I doubt he has any video very much or he would have showed you but you really should report this. This clown is a sexual predator that is trying to rape you, one accused of rape before and one that will clearly rape in the future. Having sex with you against your will or wishes is rape and that along with blackmail are both very illegal, both are serious offenses that a scumbag predator like this guy will do again to you and who knows how many others if ignored or swept under the rug because your afraid of what your parents will think. What would they think if they find out you gave in to punk ass's demands for who knows how long or how many rapes because if you give him what he wants now, he will just be calling for more as long as he likes making you his beckon call girl whenever he likes and if you let him get away with this he will believe he can get away with it next time and Jodie... there will be a next time and there will be other girls because nobody like this poor excuse for a man does something like this to someone just once. This is a young rapist just getting started, don't think for a second he will let you off the hook for sex just once, he will laugh at how well it worked and how he took advantage of you while you cry your eyes out at losing your dignity and how disgusted you feel at the same time then the phone will ring with him telling you he wants to do it again and to wear something sexy or that he's bringing some friends or who knows what but I know it only gets worse if you give in and he will do it to some other poor girls that were to scared to turn him in like you if you don't do the right thing here... get him before he gets you and who knows how many others Jodie. I'm sorry to be so direct but I'm telling you the truth, your parents will be ok and proud that you stood your ground when pit in this position and it will be so much better then the alternative, being blackmailedand raped repeatedly for possibly years then finding out and all the other terrible things that can and will happen after the fact? Trust me, I'm not trying to sell you anything Jodie, I'm a father and grandfather and I took the time to tell a girl I don't know what I do know will happen either way. This is rape, he will rape you again and he will rape more girls after he's done raping you for who knows how long, he is a scumbag predator. Call the police asap. Good luck you can do this.

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