Bi polar , every day I have to force my self to get up and get started ...
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I beat my self up about being bi polar ..... I'm looking for permission to be who I am ... I suffer a great deal with acceptance .... I fight through every day with depressive thoughts on waking .... on and on .... I'm just about cut off to the outside world ... I have an adult son/ daughter and granddaughter ... and a friend who walks me out with my dog 3 days a week ... I do manage on occasion to go to Asda ... but that's a higher side of me when I have the need to spend .... I feel as though I'm not allowed to be ill and difficulty accepting that I am ... I was diagnosed 2009 but in therapy On and off since 1997 .... just think I need to vent my feelings ... and hoping someone can relate to what im saying ....
0 likes, 12 replies
barbara75996 maggs1960
Posted
abby
maggs1960 barbara75996
Posted
barbara75996 maggs1960
Posted
Hi Maggs ....
I can identify with everything you have said. I'm rarely out of my apartment, moved from my "nest/home" in another state to be closer to where my girls live. That was 2 years ago, and now I realize it was a mistake. When I'm feeling really down, there's nowhere to turn .... no close friends, and I live in a low-income apartment development, so it can be a bit sketchy to go out. I have Bipolar 2, a somewhat lesser form of Bipolar. Rather than taking Depakote my doctor has me on Lamictal, which I believe is a form of Lithium. And I'm also on Effexor, Clonopin, and Wellbutrin. I guess it helps somewhat. I never have a "high" ... my highs are just what most people would call normal/OK. If I ever do feel a bit more than that then I have to really be careful because I will shop on line. But, 80% of my BP is the depression. It's like a deep dark hole, I'm sitting in the bottom of it, covered with a wet, cold, black blanket. So I totally understand .... I never know from one day to the next how I am going to feel. My kids - I have 3 adult kids - don't want to hear about it. On the really bad days, when I desperately need someone to talk to, and I even hint to one of them about it ... they immediately change the subject. They need to know because it's a good possibility that there is a hereditary component in it. My therapist is convinced my mother was BiPolar 1, and feeling so badly she drank .... she drank herself to death. But back then, if you weren't "great" you were a pariah. I see a good therapist, PsyD every other week since I moved, and also a Psychiatrist the same afternoon for a med tuneup.
Today, I didn't get out of bed! I sat here all day, on the computer, watching old movies, now and then getting up to feed my cats, get some iced tea, etc. It was one of those very down days.
Have you ever kept a mood chart? I have several times .... you can find them on line and print them out, but it's essentially a chart with a straight horizontal line, and vertical lines. Each day you put a number from 1-5 either above the line or below the line depending on how you feel..
Never, ever feel guilty about this .... you didn't invite it into your life. It's just something that now you have to deal with in the ways that work for you ..... for me it's been 13 years of therapy and about 10 years of medications. I'm done with telling people "oh I'm great." What a bunch of you know what. I'll just tell them the truth - "not so great today" or something like that.
Take care of yourself and get the help you need, if you aren't already.
abby
(a fellow struggler)
maggs1960
Posted
Thank you kindly for your reply.... we seem so a like .... I'm also lamictal 200 mg and quietiapene 500 mg ...,,, wish there was a quick fix .... the worst for me is feeling guilty ... my kids are greatly supportive..., I tend not to be too open about how I am .... maybe I should like you stop saying I'm ok ... oh and I'm on the north east coast of the uk ..... my thoughts are with you ... x
barbara75996 maggs1960
Posted
Too bad we couldn't sit down over a cup of tea and just talk .... probably for hours. You need not feel at all guilty about this ..... I don't ..... neither of us did anything to cause it, we didn't ask for it, so we have nothing to feel guilty about. We are not responsible for things totally out of our control ..... we're left to just deal with them.
Once again, I'm in bed today with my windows open. I'm doing all my computer things on line from here, and I have about 5 mountains of laundry to fold. I have been in this apartment for over a year now and I still have not unpacked everything. Just no energy and frankly I don't want to. I'd love to get someone in here to totally organize my place, do the rest of the unpacking, and clean. Wishful thinking for sure ..... sure not $$$ for that, but I can daydream.
Please continue to keep in touch. It really help me, and hopefully, the both of us.
Your fellow sojourner,
abby
barbara75996
Posted
Too bad we couldn't sit down over a cup of tea and just talk .... probably for hours. You need not feel at all guilty about this ..... I don't ..... neither of us did anything to cause it, we didn't ask for it, so we have nothing to feel guilty about. We are not responsible for things totally out of our control ..... we're left to just deal with them.Once again, I'm in bed today with my windows open. I'm doing all my computer things on line from here, and I have about 5 mountains of laundry to fold. I have been in this apartment for over a year now and I still have not unpacked everything. Just no energy and frankly I don't want to. I'd love to get someone in here to totally organize my place, do the rest of the unpacking, and clean. Wishful thinking for sure ..... sure not $$$ for that, but I can daydream.Please continue to keep in touch. It really help me, and hopefully, the both of us.Your fellow sojourner,
abby
maggs1960 barbara75996
Posted
A cuppa and a chat to a fellow sufferer would be amazing , in all the years I've never been offered any group therapy .... oh and housework , oh my lord I'm so OCD when on a high .... I never know what mood may come along ... either way you get totally exhausted... take care Abby glad we're chatting x thank you x
deborah33431 maggs1960
Posted
I also feel embarrassed, people judge, even family members, I struggle to tell anyone about. Bipolar almost ended my marriage, I am lucky to have him in my life he supports me encouraged me to be me and if people can't accept me with my illness then I don't have time for that nonsense. A few months ago I was verbally abused in a sea called a crazy f++++++ headcase and a f++++++++ ejit this happened in asda and left me believing they are right, I closed down and couldn't function for a few days. We don't choose to have this horrid illness xxx
barbara75996 deborah33431
Posted
Hi deborah. Interesting that you feel your emotional situation ended your marriage. Obviously, your X was not willing to learn and understand what you were dealing with. Sad situation for both of you. I too am divorced, and like you it was a personality disorder ..... my X is a narcissist, and when I would try to tell him how I was feeling, he just poo-pood it. I was the sick one, he was fine ..... yea, sure. A narcissist thinks the whole world revolves himself .... he is always right, in all situations, and if anything is brought into his life that may disturb that perfect person, such as a wife having an emotional problem, well, that just wouldn't do! Because, of course, he was perfect. We did try marriage therapy for 3 months, after I had been in therapy with a different doctor for about 5 years ..... and he said nothing! He would admit nothing, never shared his role in our shattering marriage ..... he was fine ..... I was sick. As my Psychiatrist said to me ..... "they're tough nuts to crack." Profound wisdom. The last time we were there, when I realized differently that, to him, I was no more than a cook, laundress, house cleaner, and the caretaker of our 3 kids. The doctor asked us both what were some good things we saw in each other. I didn't have any trouble with that as he has a lot of good qualities ..... good provider for our family, good father to our kids (except for the criticisms), faithful to me and really took care of the outside of the house. Then it came time for him to tell the doctor good qualities he saw in me ...... he thought awhile, and finally said, "she's a good mother." The doctor looked at him, as I did, and said "is that all." He said, "yes." That's when the light went on, I got up and left, and that weekend I moved in the top floor of a girlfriend's home. And that was the end of it.
So you see, we actually are the stronger ones because we know we are struggling and we are reaching out to get help. I think we all deserve a big "pat on the back."
abby
maggs1960 deborah33431
Posted
Thank you for reply ... strangely I've had a couple of situations in Asda but they no me now which is nice .... shopping gives me anxiety stress and agitation... I prefer not to be out of the house .... I get paranoid as to what people may think of me .... the worst for me is depression and highs the change in mood can be unbearable as I can rapid cycle in a day but always wake with depression I'm bouncing of the ceiling yet again today which gives me OCD ... I'm glad your partner understands and supports you that's good for you .... ... take care it's nice to no I'm not alone x x
deborah33431
Posted
It almost ended my marriage, I could have lost everything, but I found the light at the end of the tunnel I am grateful after a wee separation we are back on track. It isn't easy as you can't always get what you want to say out or I can't it infuriates me. It's very hard for some people to accept or deal with this illness especially when you can't accept yourself x
barbara75996 maggs1960
Posted
Oh my dear friends .... you are being so hard on yourselves. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. Probably most of the folks who make you feel the worse have emotional problems of their own, but they either won't admit it or tell anyone. I did have a breakdown about 6 years ago and because I was not suicidal (or so I told them) they didn't admit me, but signed me up for a 4 week, 5 day a week group at the hospital. Everyone in that room had never met each other before, but after talking awhile, we realized, we were all struggling with something ..... bi-polar, drugs, a man cheating on his wife 7 times, and a gay man who was having trouble with his "wife." But you know what? After the first session, we were the best of friends. I'd love to go back, but it's in the state I moved from, so it's not possible. I felt so healthy, well, and supported by people who understood totally. I miss those folks. There were about 12 of us.
So, you see .... there are people walking all over the place, with difficulties just the same as you and I have, only they are not dealing with it. It takes a lot more strength to look something like that in the face, and say "damn, I'm getting the help I need." You are the strong one and have no reason to feel guilty .... you did not ask for this.
abby