binge drinking

I thought my drinking was 'social' for years. I believed that everyone drank like I did and what was the point in not drinking anyway? It progressed and the sense of restlessness and not being a part of, the anger, fear and depression increased and my drinking increased. I could stop for a couple of days, very rarely; weeks even. When I finally got honest and looked back, I could see that I was thinking about drinking when not drinking. I would obsess about staying sober and then always, and I mean always, return to drinking alcohol. During those self-will periods of sobriety I was moody, tired, worried and angry. My 'self-will' and 'self-reliance' failed every time. No matter how much I seemed to want to not drink I would always return to drinking. The memories of what my drinking was like before are the attendant suffering would not be there. They were conveniently forgotten or simple did not come to mind when I was going for the 'one drink'. Then came the next realisation and honesty. When I did go back to drinking booze, I had absolutely no control over the amount I would drink once that first drink was in me. I had no choice in the drinking, Hence, another session would begin and I would finally come round a few days, weeks or months later with the usual remorse, terror, hoplessness and despair.

This went on for years.

I tried an NHS alcohol worker and rehab, I tried moderation. I could not stop on my own. ​My drinking did progress. Remember, I was just the usual drinker, 'hard' yeah, but this just proved I was a man; the rest couldn't drink like me and I was in control. Let them drink their wine and leave the pub before closing time. Let them live their lives; I have my bottle at home. I'm alright. How wrong I was and how the booze had me, not the other way round.

My alcohol drinking and the loss of control did progress. From drinking down the pub and drinking 'socially' at home I went onto being arrested. By this time I had been prescribed pills for depression and anxiety by the doctors. I kept on drinking. They missed the absolute problem in me to which my solution was drinking. I started to self-prescribe heavy doses of benzoes to stop the shakes and keep me in 'balance'. I only ended up on the merry-go-round of both alcohol and sedative. The came the hospitalisations and strapped to a nurse, an asylum, sitting with terrifying ghosts tormenting me for days after a three-month bender and being separated from the alcohol suddenly by doctors. Suicide seemed like a good idea. Then one final blowout in which I remember nothing but the first and last drink. This was a straight ten-day no-memory session. I did not plan on that. I went for the one. Then a locked-in detox temple and I gave in. I surrendered. I finally realised and admitted that alcohol was the boss and I had no power over it.

I called AA and asked them to take me through The Steps.

I am 9 months and 16 days sober. I use The Steps of AA to not drink today. I tried everything else. It didn't work.

AA is confidential. I used a false name for the first few times. Funny, I wasn't concerned about letting my family, friends etc. see me drunk (which was not always a pretty picture), yet I did not want anyone to know I was going to AA.

My name is Richard and I am an alcoholic.

 

cheers honey for that advice