Booty Boot Camp-Hemorrhoidectomy

You're being deployed to a special region of misery where your medical team will carry out a hemorrhoidectomy for stage 3/4 hemorrhoids. Welcome to Booty Boot Camp, Private. You're about to walk through pain that will shake you to the core of your being. Listen up. This is not for the faint of heart. I can honestly say that this has been more painful than natural childbirth (approximately a 9.5/10 for me personally) and third degree burns (I put this at a 9/10, though I went into shock during that experience, so ... my perception may be off). It is as painful as childbirth, but unlike childbirth, the pain doesn't let up after 12-18 hours. These are things I learned the hard way because no guidance/inadequate guidance was given or because I had to try out all of the options in-theater. If you listen carefully, you might just make it through this experience.

Do not take advice from anyone who's not been to this region of hell. Anyone who says you'll be fine in 3-5 days should be considered an enemy combatant. Do not engage.

You should start eating canned soups, and nothing but canned soups, for days before your surgery and for several weeks afterward. Pitch the whole grains advice. Do not eat anything containing flour, or you will walk through hell. Avoid all fruits that are acidic. A mango sounds like such a great way to avoid the constipation, but nothing short of an enema is going to relieve the constipation, so that acid will just sit there and burn tissue until you figure out the enema and clean out several days of blockage. Likewise, all tomatoes, coffee, etc should have been avoided. Some lessons teach themselves...

Truly-- soup and cooked, less acidic vegetables should be the only foods you eat. Don't eat cheese. No, you won't probably be fine. This is no time to get brave. In fact, you might skip all dairy except a watery keffir that will help you not get a yeast infection from the raw mess your bottom will become in about three days.

Let's talk about medication. They will send you home with hydros. Call them immediately to let them know that you take that for arthritis, and it's of no use for this level of pain. This will help you avoid the 300.00 ER visit you'll need on day 4 when you finally break and sink to the floor shaking from pain and covered in blood and feces. You'll need something way stronger.

Go easy on the MOM. Magnesium may seem like a good idea. Again, it will contribute to the watery burning mess your bottom is about to become. Stick to Docusate, the occasional Senna tea, and tons of water. Tons. You think you drank enough? Double that.

For some reason which will become completely inconceivable to you on day 2, they do not make lidocaine suppositories. Idiotic, I know. You can put the lidocaine on a swab and insert just the tiniest bit. Yes, it helps enough to brave that horror.

Warmth is your friend. Get a heating pad and tuck that bad boy. If they made pants with a heating pad insert, they'd be standard issue. Live there.

A warm saline enema needs to begin happening as soon as possible. If you wait, that 2 day home delivery is gonna seem like a lifetime. Buy it now. Learn the recipe. Prepare several batches of it because waiting until you are in the middle of a dry excretion is not the time to try to prep a new solution. Though nothing is coming out, pain will jolt through your body until it decides to calm down. You will not be able to just keep cooking the saline at the stove. This preparation will be most helpful if warm, but don't risk running out in order to use freshly prepared stuff. In general, you will have to go to the bathroom on random painful demand for the foreseeable future. It's best to set up a med tent in there now and restock as necessary.

You will use a roll of TP or more per day. Don't be cheap. Buy tons, and buy the good stuff. I don't care if you look like a TP hoarder. Buy it now, or bathe every five minutes on days 1-4. You'll need pantiliners, too. Men think they're gonna escape this in the name of their masculinity. Give it a try, Princess. You'll be back because it beats changing your drawers every five minutes. Buy the family pack, as you'll use them a lot with the enema, especially the first day you do it.

You'll need a postpartum wash bottle, a bidet, or access to the garden hose through the bathroom window for cleaning your backside. Though you will use an inordinate amount of TP, you must not wipe. I repeat, do not wipe. Dab. Hose and dab is your new routine. If you forget this, it will soon feel like you are wiping with barbed wire.

This experience is hell. Go in prepared. If someone gives you some watered-down advice that you're unsure of, demand clarification. The pain will rock you to your core. You cannot afford to be unclear about any part of this. They say we live and make it out the other side of this experience, but after week 1, I'm unable to predict a favorable outcome. God speed.

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