Border personality or not? opinions sorry for long post in advance

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Hi all (new to this group) belong to mirtazapine and anxiety groups.

Bit of background, my husband passed away from leukemia last July, been seeing bereavment councillor since September, off work with depression phased returned in Nov, sucicide attempt in January, off work again end of May on admittance to hospital. I've been on mirtazapine for around 8 weeks I think, 45mg for the past 5 weeks. Was urgently admitted to psychiatric hospital for my own safety due to suicidal ideation and having no direction or meaning to life 4 weeks ago, discharged after 3 weeks. On my discharge letter adjustment disorder and emotional unstable personality traits.

I find it difficult to get in touch with my emotions, get extremely frustrated with myself, feel intense anger directed at myself causing superficail cutting, hitting my head off walls punching walls etc. Bad concentration, feel abandoned, lost and lonely, drive recklessly, no energy do not want to socialise with people do try but find it hard. Attend local gym couple times a week. Cry, scream sometimes for no apparant reason, even small things going wrong I go into a rage. Since discharge seen psychiatrist twice first time he said I have some traits pointing to border line personality and suggested to be referred to DBT. During this meeting I was tense, angry crying and didn't pay much attention.

Second meeting he then suggested CBT, a programme called Steps and that I likely had this since I was born, I was a naughty child bad teenager nothing too drastic but during my marriage as I was happy it did not show since being widowed I've got worse as time as gone on but I've got to be learn to control this anger frustration etc. Inbetween should of seen my cpn but she was off sick as I was going to discuss the discharge letter with her, saw someone else I;d never seen before so couldn't or didn't want to open up to her as didn't know or trust her.

Anyway what I'm trying to say after looking things up on the internet does all this point to me having borderline personality or just unstable as I am very confused.

sorry I have seemed to go on a bit but this has been bugging me all day I needed to put in down, don't worry if you cannot answer but I feel better putting this down as I won't be able to see anyone until next week if my cpn is back from being ill. taken 5mg diazapam earlier to try and calm down as wanting to go out and do something stupid. Plus now had some wine bad I know but who cares cos i don't.

Thanks for listening

Tina 

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  • Posted

    Sorry as you can tell I am very confused and don't really know whats going on. My GP doesn't want to see me I've just got to ring for further med certs for work, psychaitrist next appointment in a month I just feel so alone, sometimes wonder if this is all worth it or just give up? I'm tired.
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  • Posted

    Tina, You must be going through a terrible time, having lost your husband so recently. I hope it helped you to write this all down.

    I'm sure you know that the UK mental health charity SANE runs a helpline where you can just talk to someone. (I'm assuming you're in the UK, though I know not everyone on these forums is.) The SANE line is only open from 6pm to 11pm, but another option is the Samaritans, who are available 24/7. And you no longer have to be suicidal to talk to a Samaritan, just feeling a bit desperate. I can confirm this because I called them myself when I was in a temporary crisis a couple of days after my mother's death. I was so crazy that night, I didn't know whether I was suicidal or not. I just wanted to pour it all out to someone. You can google them both. If you're not in the UK, I'm sure there'll be a crisis line in your country. The Samaritans were the first, but they've spread all over the world now.

    I think it's best to discuss the question of BPD vs. general instability with your mental health team. There's a big overlap between the two anyway, and if you're going for CBT or DBT, they can help with both.

    I also think you need to make allowances for yourself as you've been so recently bereaved. It's natural that you should be going through all this turmoil, and the upcoming anniversary will be tough too. I volunteer on a crisis line myself these days (though not in the UK) and we get a lot of calls from bereaved people who are going through a tough time around the anniversary of a loved one's death - often many years later.

    Don't hesitate to call a crisis line if you're getting the urge to harm yourself or if you just want to talk to someone. It's not a substitute for proper psychiatric treatment and support, but can be a real life-saver when you've painted yourself into a corner.

    I hope you'll soon start coming out of this dark place.

    Lily

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    • Posted

      Lily

      Thanks you your reply I have contacted the samaritans on many a occasion and they have been very helpful. I do have a number for the ward I was on when in hospital if I need to talk to them. I just got all this stuff whizzing round in my head and needed to get it down which has helped. I know noone can really answer my question.

      It's just whenever I have plucked up the courage to talk things through something happens ie my cpn being sick that puts everything all wrong then I end up raging, self harming etc it just a vicious circle and I want to get off it.

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  • Posted

    Hi Tina, can I ask how old you are? I am thinking you might be in perimenopause and that's why all these symptoms are so strong now. Perimenopause usually starts in the early forties.
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    • Posted

      Still, Tina, you are in the zone. Maybe you could ask your doctor to check your hormone levels, maybe try some hrt. Or try some estrogen cream or progesterone cream on your own, see if it makes a difference. You can order it on-line.

      I just had the experience of watching anemia make me really depressed, so I am a big fan of checking other conditions that might be causing the mental instability. Another condition that is common around this time of life is thyroid problems, another thing your doctor could check. 

      I am not saying this is the answer, just check and be safe. It sounds like you are really stressed from the loss of your husband and it has thrown you off-balance. I think borderline is a pretty loose diagnosis, and well, I guess the diagnosis doesn't really matter - it's the healing that matters. I am going through an interesting time in my life, where I am really thrown on myself - for company, for health problems, financial things, life itself! I  am finding it both difficult and a good learning experience. I am finding it necessary for myself. I do find that I still miss having someone validate things - my successes, my frustrations. Maybe that is something you miss from your husband. 

      I do find that when I am ill - I suffer from depression - it is a mistake to seek out friends, because depressed-me alienates my friends, and they have their own problems to deal with. I am lucky that I am quite introverted and I think it would be much more difficult for an extroverted person to go this.  I love these forums! Even reading other people's problems is a sharing of an experience that is maybe too hard for most people to understand or deal with. 

      Tina, best wishes for today. I don't know if you are taking anti-depressants, they can be really stabilizing as well. I am sorry you feel alone, and I hope these feelings pass, and you can take life a little easier.

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    • Posted

      Oh sorry Tina, you are on mirtazapine, but for only a short while now. This is something I am saying to myself now, that it is important to rest and give the brain time to recover. I want to be transformed, I want to be well quickly, but that aint the way the world works . . . so rest and watch tv and be resigned? as well as optimistic that this time WILL pass. Maybe I am talking to myself here.
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    • Posted

      Not long woken up, thanks for your comments. On admission to hospital I had my bloods taken and one of the tests was the thyroid so that's fine. The other I don't know. I haven't had any periods for years at least 15 or more can't remember. Hope my cpn is back next week then I can put forward my questions.
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