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Hi all (new to this group) belong to mirtazapine and anxiety groups.
Bit of background, my husband passed away from leukemia last July, been seeing bereavment councillor since September, off work with depression phased returned in Nov, sucicide attempt in January, off work again end of May on admittance to hospital. I've been on mirtazapine for around 8 weeks I think, 45mg for the past 5 weeks. Was urgently admitted to psychiatric hospital for my own safety due to suicidal ideation and having no direction or meaning to life 4 weeks ago, discharged after 3 weeks. On my discharge letter adjustment disorder and emotional unstable personality traits.
I find it difficult to get in touch with my emotions, get extremely frustrated with myself, feel intense anger directed at myself causing superficail cutting, hitting my head off walls punching walls etc. Bad concentration, feel abandoned, lost and lonely, drive recklessly, no energy do not want to socialise with people do try but find it hard. Attend local gym couple times a week. Cry, scream sometimes for no apparant reason, even small things going wrong I go into a rage. Since discharge seen psychiatrist twice first time he said I have some traits pointing to border line personality and suggested to be referred to DBT. During this meeting I was tense, angry crying and didn't pay much attention.
Second meeting he then suggested CBT, a programme called Steps and that I likely had this since I was born, I was a naughty child bad teenager nothing too drastic but during my marriage as I was happy it did not show since being widowed I've got worse as time as gone on but I've got to be learn to control this anger frustration etc. Inbetween should of seen my cpn but she was off sick as I was going to discuss the discharge letter with her, saw someone else I;d never seen before so couldn't or didn't want to open up to her as didn't know or trust her.
Anyway what I'm trying to say after looking things up on the internet does all this point to me having borderline personality or just unstable as I am very confused.
sorry I have seemed to go on a bit but this has been bugging me all day I needed to put in down, don't worry if you cannot answer but I feel better putting this down as I won't be able to see anyone until next week if my cpn is back from being ill. taken 5mg diazapam earlier to try and calm down as wanting to go out and do something stupid. Plus now had some wine bad I know but who cares cos i don't.
Thanks for listening
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