Borderline personality disorder

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hi,

so I came on here 9 months ago thinking my husband might have manic depression. He has been being assessed over the last 9 months and today got a diagnosis of BPD.

he will be starting a 3 year treatment plan of therapy in the next month.

i have so many misconceptions about this disorder, I feel scared and have been wondering whether I should call our marriage out. 

But I don't want to do that just because I'm feeling scared.

i guess I want to know people's journey with this disorder. I have been reading a few things that suggest an individual can completely recover from this. Is that true?

sorry for my ignorance or affected. I do not mean to. I just don't know where to start

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  • Posted

    bipolar is a mixture of feeling low and having high manic episodes. YOu will find he will go off on a tangent in conversation when on a high,so be patient and when he is low he will  probably be antisocial and not want to go out.

    Just try and be patient and understanding but prepared to correct when he is on his highs.

    rich

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  • Posted

    It was good to read your blog on here but do not worry if your husband has been given a care plan that is good practice, I always had a care plan to follow.  I began my journey just after I got married in 1966.  In those days I was put Lithium and I also had 3 babies within five years which complicated things as I suffered post=natal depression.

    Like a lot of us suffering with Bi-Polar, our mood swings are up and down and when they are up we tend to think we can conquer the world and immediately come off all our meds telling ourselves "I am not ill, I feel great!  This was a mistake which I repeated numerous times over the years because after every high comes the dreaded low which it took me many years of depression, before the penny dropped.  A few years ago I decided I did not want my high moods to be flattened by Lithium or Depakote so I asked them to just treat my depression and thankfully after much research and joining a Bi Polar self help group I sensibly remain on mitrazapene  antidepressant at night and Effexor in the morning and this seems to be a good combination for me and at last I have accepted that I must remain on meds all my life (I am now 73 years old) and can honestly say I feel really good apart from my body is now falling apart, as I have had one hip replacement and awaiting another, but I am managing ok, there is nothng worse than untreated depression.  Hope this helps, dont despair but encourage your husband to take part in his PLAN which is a two way input by your husband and the Mental Health Team,  Good luck micky

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  • Posted

    Hi Micky,

    I have 2 family members diagnosed with BPD. They behave a lot like Manic Depressives. The main difference is they fight with people and get really nasty and horrible when they are on a 'high' mood, and then when they drop to depressed mood, they suffer guilt and self condemnation.

    They can be volatile and easily angered, and of course unpredicatable.

    I don't know if those are the 'typical' symptoms or not, I'm just telling you that's how these two are.

    Both have managed to remain married as they are both lucky to have very patient long sufferring spouses. Only you can decide if you want to stick around or not. Either you feel your love and marriage is worth the struggle or you feel you can't deal with it. No one can make that choice for you. I so wish I could help you and hold your hand through it. Maybe you can find someone closer to where you live who could be your rock and anchor, and then it will be easier for you to cope with your husband? I'm always pro remaining in your marriage unless it is completely and totally unbearable. But that's just my opinion.

    Best of luck, and I hope the program helps him heal.

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    • Posted

      thank you all for your input. You can say the last 2-3 years have been like that. but he has been assessed by complex needs and will commence a 3 year therapy programme next month. once a week 2 hours for 3 years. he knows divorce is on the cards if he doesn't try and tackle this issue. he was in a stable job since left school until 8 years ago..... he is 45. but 3 huge life events and back surgery seems to have worsened him. I think he is classed as s high functioning BPD? as he had always worked just really thrown off track since a bereavement, health issue and a house move.

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  • Posted

    Well, my guess is stay with him through these 3 years and then decide, but get therapy or help or 'self-help' education for yourself now too, so you learn how to respond in ways that are helpful to the situation rather than reacting to his 'bad' spells in ways that could make him temporarily worse. I guess I'm saying you need to also become one of his therapists in a way, remaining calm, objective, patient, understanding and so on. It will be so very worth the huge sacrifice you make in time, effort and trouble you'll need to go through, because none of that learning will be wasted, all of it will help you in other ways too, and your own life will so drastically improved at the end of it :D

    Most importantly, you will helping the man you love, and he needs you to, and will end up in a very happy marriage for yourself as well as him.

    I hope this is good advice. I'd hate to make things worse with my opinion! LOL

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    • Posted

      thank you for your reply, it does make sense. my problem is I am 35 and have been ready for children for 5 years since we married. obviousely this situation is NOT one I am going to raise a child in. time is running out for me. things have been better the last 4 months and he is able to change his behaviour when I ask. like when he calls me a bitch.... he hasn't done that for 4 months ( out of 5 years) I would stay for another 3 years. I will give him 1 year more and he has to be in work ..... I'm thinking if this doesn't happen then I will want to seperate.
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    • Posted

      dont make hasty decisions for your future, u both need to concentrate on your own problems/illness/idiosyncracies/insecurities, maybe RELATE would be a good idea, alongside your own individual care plans.  You both can only work on yourselves, not each other.  He needs to concentrate on getting himself well and you must do the same, non of us can CHANGE another, we can only CHANGE ourselves.  You may find a 12step programme very good to follow, as I do, it is a programme for self improvement which shows us where we are wrong to judge;criticize; or try to change others.  We can adjust our own prejudices not other peoples.  Hope this helps
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    • Posted

      hi

      I do not suffer from mental health issues. I come as a carer not knowing where to turn. I never make any hasty desisions regrading the future. but after 5 years of this crap, my family disowning me and just feeling that it may be the end of the road I think I'm entitled to be thinking this way. I feel stupid and angry with myself for sometimes still being in this situation. maybe I should have just left him at the hospital after he tried to kill himself or maybe I should just gave left after he called the police on ME after he had a meltdown and I had to lock myself in my car to be safe.

      I'm sorry I'm not meaning to lash out I just feel such resentment and anger at times

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    • Posted

      Oh dear, you poor thing sad  I feel terrible now for suggesting you stay with him if you have been really badly treated. Blimey! I'm so sorry.

      Definitely if you are being abused you have every right to leave immediately, no matter how ill he is or how much he needs you. Nobody has to suffer abuse, especially since it is not your fault he is mentally ill. Some people have the strength to cope with menally ill and abusive partners, but most of us cannot cope with it, and it is noshame to be human.

      If he gets the healing he requires and is able to change his ways and medication can keep him stable, you could always re-visit the possibility of a relationship again in 2 or 3 years time.

      Still I suggest you get training in personal gorwth, self improvement and the 12 step program someone above mentioned (for victims of alcoholics and drug addicts, but also brilliant for victims of people with mentally unstable and abusive or manipulative partners), not because I think YOU need it, but because EVERYBODY needs it, as then we don't find ourselves yet again in another abusive or manipulative relationship after leaving the last one.

      I wish you tons of strength and I for one absolutely support leaving an abusive person. x

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    • Posted

      I think if your willing to wait a year..that is very giving of you.

      I am BPD and I talked with therapist about my relationship today...both of us have to change.

      ​She only gave me 1 month to decide if I am going to put effort into changing some of my behaviors...(she suggested 1 month)...of course if I need longer i can take it....but compared to the 1 year you are willing to give..1 month is nothing! 

      ​I am difficult to live with. I snap at everything....I get frustrated easily...i also left a very good paying job...I do things impulsively...I am always bored..so I leave the house all the time...things have to be my way and go my way or I am not happy.  I give silent treatments...I have strict bed times for myself...I get very mad if he is lingering when I am trying to leave for an appointment that he is attending.  I'm sure living with me can be h*ll.

      ​And, he has his own issues....I would say 1 year...try it...but how about shortening it to 6 months?  By the way it is great he is in a long term treatment plan.

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  • Posted

    I worded my last reply badly! I meant to say the 12 steps program for victims of alcoholics is also brilliant training full of helpful insights and ways to preserve ones self, especially when one is the victim of someone abusive or manipulative in their family. This includes someone in your family being an alcoholic, or a drug addict, or a person with a mental disorder that is manipulative or abusive. It teaches you how to cope with them and preserve your self in the midst of it. There are a few brilliant books out there too such as:

    The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen Covey

    The 4 Agreements, by Don Migel Ruiz

    Help! I'm Going Crazy! by Terri Ann Laws (PS, This one is harder to find but BRILLIANT)

    And dozens more. Maybe others can suggest a few.

    This will help you save yourself and help make sure you don't end up with yet another abusive partner after leaving the last one.

     

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  • Posted

    I have bpd and I think the best place to start would be to get to educate yourself as much as possible try www.emergenceplus.org.uk for more information. There is a lot of stigma and as you say misconceptions surrounding this disorder but bpd is a treatable condition and he can get better. There are therapies such as DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) schema therapy, CBT and CAT that are known to work. Medication is usually prescribed in conjuction if there is a concurrent mental health related issue such as Depression, Anxiety etc. Unfortunately there is no specific drugs for bpd but there are some that can help with the symptoms such as impulsivess and the mood swings. A lot of the recovery comes down to lifestyle and routine, there is a good book I recommend called The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You need To Know about BPD by Alexander Chapman. And also Coping With BPD how to soothe symptoms which your partner might find helpful, the book draws upon DBT and CBT strategies to manage. I hope this helps.
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  • Posted

    Hi Micky

    I know u have posted this months ago. I only just joined this group. I have recently been diagnosed with BPD and bipolar and let me tell u IT'S HARD. Some days I hate everyone including my husband and children. Some days I try and sabotage my marriage cause I can't accept that my husband loves me and I try and push him away cause I'm scared he's gonna hurt me. Some days I don't know how I feel or what I want I just know that everything is wrong. But the one thing I do know is from the bottom of my heart I love my husband and children. They mean the world to me and would be devastated if he left.... but at the same time i wouldn't blame him. Living with this illness is hard for everyone and i feel for u being the partner of a BPD sufferer. I know my husband cops it bad and there's nothing the real me can do except try and make it up to him when I'm feeling ok. But the guilt from mistreating him is eating me alive.... on the days that i care

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