Bouts

Thankyou so much for your reply, I am not 100% back to myself but a lot better than what I was even two weeks ago, my 1st bout was over a lot of guilt over something I did wrong, once it came out the depression just hit me like a tun of bricks I had suicidal thoughts and it was deep depression, it only lasted 2 weeks tho, this time it has lasted longer but not as intense, I have started sertraline again and going into my 5 week tomorrow, I am terrified it happens again, I am so sorry u have suffered with long term depression I really feel for u what a strong person u are! are u on medication? I had a few drinks in the house last weekend, and woke on Sunday so anxious and low again and it lasted a few days so now I am scared to touch alcohol even tho it's only once a month x

You are welcome!  It is well that you are taking something to help you through this bout.  What does your professional say about whether or not you are clinically depressed?  

Yes I take an antidepressant.  I took Sertraline for a long time, but felt that it was no longer helping, so I switched a few weeks ago to Wellbutrin and it is making a difference.  I do not dare touch alcohol because it is a depressant and I do not use any illegal substances.  Brain medications are huge and I fear combining anything with them could hurt me in ways I might live through and regret.

I believe that my depression was inevitable given the manner in which I was treated prior and after I was born and how hated I was by my parents.  Sometimes I wonder how I did not end up out on the streets on drugs and dead.  Even though I wish I were dead because of the depression and have so more times than I can count, I just do not truly know what is on the other side of suicide.  And is it really the best trade off?

I have had many wonderful experiences in my adult life too and I try to cling to those memories when the going gets really tough.  Honestly I believe that if I did not have my lows, that I would not have appreciated the wonderful times as much.  Guess I have become tolerant of extremes.

One good thing for you is that if it happens again, you will recognise it and know that you can survive it.

I am so sorry u have been effected by your upbringings how awful! It's amazing how certain situations have huge effects on people's mental health, the way I see things now is that we were put here to battle through things including depression, suppose it's testing us on how strong we are, we should live and love our life's through the good and happy times, just having these two bouts has made me change as a person, made me love life more and appreciate the little things, I really hope that one day u will b free from depression, how many bouts have u had? I havnt asked my GP yet I see him next week so I will ask x

I can remember one big bout when I was in the 10th grade of high school. I planned to hang myself on the third floor of my house.  Had every step planned, but when the time came, I opened the attic door and something in the dark at the top of the door scared me so badly that I gave up the idea.  Instead I wrote about it in third person for an essay assignment in my English class.

Then when I was around 32 years old, I laid out all of my left over pain medications from surgeries into little piles and began taking them one by one while I wrote a good bye letter to my young daughter.  By the time I reached the end of the letter I realized that I was telling her to be strong but I would demonstrate the opposite of that if I committed suicide, so I just fell asleep and luckily woke up.  The pressure I was under at that time was due to a man who was playing phychological games with me.

The next one I remember was when I was 48, after I had been sexually assaulted.  I swallowed pills, and my daughter, now grown, called 911 and I was admitted into a mental hospital for help,  It actually was the best thing to happen to me even though it is embarrassing.

Soon after that, I found myself in the same condition due to a man who was trying to control me and told me that I was a nothing.  Again hospitalization.

Recently, after 5 major surgeries, one minor surgery in under four years, took me into deep depression, but since the last hospitalization, I have not attempted to cry out for help by taking pills.  The worst I do is stay in my house and avoid all social contact as possible.  

There were other times when my depression was worse than usual, but these are the biggest times I can remember. 

There is a reason for everything, and I think that is what you are saying when you say that the bouts made you love life more.  I am strong even though I have this weakness.  I am stronger for going for help.  Even though our society frowns down upon those who suffer mental illness.  Honestly, I have more trust in those who do go for help than those who are walking around mentally ill and do not know it yet or are too proud to go for help.

I am the same as you Dawn - I have suffered from continual depression from a young age.  It is usually manageable with difficulty but I like you have had some nasty flare ups where it becomes severe.   Isn't this called dysponia (or something similiar)?  Bev x

Wow u have been through so much! What a lady! Your very strong! X

I don't know what it is called.  No doctor said anything.  Once I was told I have Dystymia.  The spelling is likely wrong.  Depression stays with me like carrying a low grade fever all the time.

Hi it is dysthemia.   I have never been diagnosed officially with that type of depression but from reading about it am pretty sure I have it too.  

It is used to describe life long depressives (like me from childhood).  The flares up are called Double Depression which can be very nasty.  In my DD I have strong suicidal thoughts and occasionally I have tried it.  I remember counsellors saying they were trying to get me back to myself and I thought I don't know who that is because my depression goes back as far as I can remember.  

You are right it is like a low grade fever and it has caused me lifelong problems and the necessity of adapting my life to accommodate it.   There is quite a lot of information online about it so have a google.   It fits me to a tee and I can completely relate to it.  x

Thanks Bev. I too do not really know who I am. It is a frightening feeling. Always others have imposed their definition of me and I guess my childhood taught me to accept that.

Some say just forget all that past stuff and move on, and I have worked hard through the years to do that. Using every resource I could find. Yet, I have no idea who I am.

Thankyou for that lovely positive message, my baby is 5 weeks old now and been on my meds for 5 weeks, I feel a little anxious on a morning and for around an hour every tea time I feel a little low but I am a lot better than what I was two weeks ago!! It was hell I was so low! U seem such a positive person I admire u for that! I am terrified it will happen again I try my best not to think about it! One thing tho having depression has made me a better person and I appreciate the little things in life now 😃 x

Hi Carndenas, 

You made a very important point here.  "anything to look forward to"  My depression was set off recently due to many major surgeries, isolation, limited mobility and the inevitable changes to my body, from scars and weight gain.  It occurs to me often that I have nothing to look forward to.  THAT is depressing!  I feel like I will never be loved again, or have fun again, or travel again, or be able to create art again.  

You are saying to take control and plan something to look forward to.  I will ponder this.  It sounds challenging but worthwhile.

Thank you!

Dawn, USA

Yes, challenging, but when you look at the very beautiful and large world around you what isn't? You have control. You CAN do it. When you tell yourself you will beat it and do anything in your power to do so then it will become real. Be mind strong. When you sit and plan something to look forward to, depression has a way of making you feel like nothing you plan will work, no matter what, you will feel sad, even if the day comes you won't follow through, these are all mind tricks and chemicals firing wrong in your brain. Teach your brain that you won't listen. Make those plans anyway. Get out of bed and get ready for the day, look at what's in front of you not behind or ahead. You are taking control with every positive step you make. When you keep making those positive steps your brain has no choice but to see that you will

Not give up and those negative thoughts will become less and less. It will get better! It may feel bad now but look at the big picture. If you get out there even when you don't feel like it, you're more likely to make new friends, to show your beautiful face and what you have to offer to the world, and people will see you and want to be around you. One day you will meet someone to love and they will love you, whether that be a new best friend, a man, an elderly person, anyone! Love is love. In order to have it you have to put yourself in a situation to be loved!

Being a stay at home mom I would always find empty distractions to keep myself occupied but when this last depression hit me my brain was trying to make me feel worthless and reminded me that all I've been doing the past few years while raising my youngest before she goes to kindergarten was a waste of time, not contributing financially, I don't deserve the beautiful house and things we have because I didn't contribute to any of it, and so on. Those feelings make a person feel worthless. Well, I finally got mad at my brain and said, NO! Screw you! I love my kids more than anything on this planet and I may not be a "perfect" mom, I may tell more than I want to, I may not ALWAYS have a clean house, or make homemade dinners as much as I need to, but no one on this planet can love my kids the way I do! I'm not a junkie and I don't sleep all day and make them feel unloved! All of these years I've been home in been on this earth for what God created me for! I was raising my children to the best of my ability and striving every day to be a better me, even when I don't feel like getting out of bed, I don't let them see that! So I give MYSELF credit. As I'm sitting here writing this I had to make myself get out of bed today with lonely feelings and then I said, ok, I've been feeling like this every day for a while now, once I get up and get going it gets better, get your butt up and do what you have to do and you WILL feel better! So here I am about to take a shower and my little one comes in and makes me see happiness. It's good to have a support system in family and here online for times when I feel low and won't show my kids. I'm not saying it isn't hard, but if you keep pushing you will create the life you want! It will happen! Remember, look at the now, not yesterday or tomorrow

Cardenas.5, you are an amaing person.  Thank you for sharing this passionate post with me and all others who may read it.  I happen to be raising my grandchildren, for 11 years now.  I adopted them and rescued them out of severe abuse and neglect caused by my own daughter and her husband. 

I was married at the time I first took them in, and immediately my husband told me that if I take them in to raise, he will divorce me.  I chose the children and living below the Federal poverty level in my country.  He did divorce me and it broke me.  I live across the street from him and watch his financially lavish life, the life I used to have, and while I have realized since the divorce that I had become just as materialistic as he is, that it is not all there is in this world.  I had so much extra "stuff", that I sold it all on Ebay to help feed my children for a couple of years.  I am too in debt to move away as I would like to, so I am stuck in a house that has unhealthy air and it has affected us.  

I am alone without help.  I have not family other than my daughter and my grandchildren, so they are my life.  But I want more and feel scared about reaching the goals I have dreamed of reaching.  Then, thanks to wonderful people, like you, I am slowly changing my way of thinking about my situation.  My children need my undivided attention, so I do not date anyone, but I miss human touch.  I have always allowed myself to be "rescued" by men and this time I want to see what I can accomplish on my own. Becoming in charge of my brain as you say is what I need to do.  There could be wonderful happenings around the corner and I do not want to miss out on them.

I can remember saying to my husband, "I feel that I have been put upon this earth to do something very special, and what if this is it?  What if raising my grandchildren is the one great thing I was meant to do?  I do not want to miss out on that."  So here I am, doing that one great thing and I get lost sometimes, so thank you for sharing your perspective with me.  I am grateful.