Boyfriend with anxiety pushing me away

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Hi all just after some advise really. I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years. He's suffered with anxiety /depression since before we met. He's had periods of anxiety mainly where he's struggled but he's always communicated to me and we've worked through the issue together.

He came off his meds at the start of the year as he felt he was doing better. From what I saw and what he told me he seemed to be coping well. We'd always said we saw children in our future and spoke about trying for kids this summer. He'd been a bit unsure recently about whether he felt ready but we agreed to start trying in August. August came and again he said he wasn't ready and now was unsure if he wanted kids at all! I was disappointed but could see there were other factors placing stress on this decision like my job, finances, work needing doing on the house. We agreed to get this stuff sorted and then see how he felt as he'd be able to make a better decision (not based on stress or worry).

Anyway out of the blue this weekend he said he didn't think he wanted kids at all. He cant give me any reasons why, can't say what he feels life would be like with or without kids, can't explain his complete turn around about this. All he says is that he doesn't think he would cope, needs time alone and wants time to himself.

He also said that his anxiety has come back but hed been hiding it from me. He's been having panic attacks again and not telling me. Said he feels low and is struggling in general (not just about the kids decision). He said he needs to be on his own for a while as he's struggling and has shut down any communication with me about us and our relationship. I agreed to give him space and have moved out.

I'm just so hurt and confused by all this.  I feel terrible that I'd not noticed how bad he was feeling. I'm worried that his anxiety is back as I know how debilitating it is. I don't know if concern about making the kids step has triggered the anxiety or if the anxiety was still there and that's affecting his views on things. Everything seems to have snowballed and he can see no hope for the future and is so down on himself and feels guilty and worthless.

I'm just wondering what to do. Like I said I've accepted the need to give him space but I feel he needs to get support again for his issues. I'm just after any advise as to how to understand this and support him and also take care of myself.

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  • Posted

    Hi Lizzie. Your boyfriend is very lucky to have such a understanding person in his life as support is key. However when you are so low with anxiety we do tend to be great actors and actresses. I do think you have done the right thing by giving him space but he needs to be the one that seeks the help he clearly needs.

    Us who suffer from anxiety and depression sometimes do shut off as we are so focused on the way we feel and when we are in that dark place we can't see the light.

    Did he speak to his doc before stopping his meds? Has he been back to his doc?

    Please keep us posted. Someone is always here

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    • Posted

      Thanks Jay for your reply. No he just stopped one day and didn't tell me until about a week later. He said he just didn't want to be on them anymore. I think he feels a lot of shame and embarrassment in general about it and struggles to get help. I know he can talk to me more than anyone I just wish he had spoken to me sooner. I don't know if he's been to the docs as he doesn't want to speak to me. I've spoken to his brother who is aware so I'm hoping he can encourage him to seek some help.

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  • Posted

    You are understanding,and don't give up on him. It's a hard  road we travel,when we have anxiety,and panic. We do fold in on ourself,and tend to isolate. We can only focus on our anxiety, It is all consuming,and so scary.You walk around in a state of angst,and fear of  a panic attack.If you are a anxiety sufferer,it always show's itself again. You can get better,but it's alway's lurking around the corner,and can come back at any time. There doesn't need to be a reason. This is so delbilitating,and it runs your life.When we have a panic attack,we feel gloom,and there's no way out,and we won't get better. Don't mistake that for depression. From what you say,he suffer's from anxiety,and panic. Millions of us suffer,or have suffered. I have been on meds for many years,and there is no  reason to suffer anymore. People tend to forget how bad they felt,and the reason they started meds to began with. They get better,and go off them,and it comes back. He needs to get back on them, and stay on them. If  you need them,then why would you want  to stop,because of course it's going to come back. Please tell him to get back on his meds and feel good again. I will be on them till death do us part. It's no big deal, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain,and we do what we have to,so we feel better. Best of luck to you both, and he needs you in his life.


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  • Posted

    I have no idea why my post has to be moderated,so I will try again. Us who suffer from anxiety and panic do isolate ourselfs because we are so focus on our anxiety and scared were going to have a panic attack at any moment, that there is no room for anybody else. It's not you,and he does need you. You are very understanding,and supportive. When he gets back on meds and feels good again, he will open up. We tend to forget the reason we started meds to began with. He needs to get back on them,and stay on them,so he will feel better again.

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  • Posted

    Just an update I wanted to check I'm supporting him in the right way. I msg him to say I was deciding when to come home but wanted to know how he was feeling and if he'd been to the doctors. He replied saying he's been resting and working, doesn't know how he feels sometimes sad, sometimes ok. He said he'd made an appointment for today and that I can come home whenever I want and how am I. I replied to say it sounded like he was doing the right things and I'm glad he's going doctors and maybe we could spk after the weekend. He said yeah, see what the doctor says and let him know when I'm coming back and we'll spk then.

    I'm trying not to overload with questions but check he's ok. I guess it's good he's communicating and openning up a little bit. Although doesnt seem like hes ready to talk yet? I was thinking to leave him now for another few days- hoping he gets meds today and they start to kick in?

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