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I am desperate . Diagnosed with BPD  last year. My emotions are a roller coaster ride and I'm always angry and irritable. I feel suicidal daily and won't commit due to having three children and a very poorly husband. It's getting beyond copable now and I feel that my whole family hates me. My husband is so poorly that his illness comes first and I feel like I am going out of my mind. I never smile and never go out and just continually think about dying.  My children are 1 , 2 and 15 - I feel like I can't cope with them but am terrified that if I tell the mental health services exactly what's going on in my mind then they will take my children, put me in a psychiatric unit and then my husband will die if his illnesses and my children will be left with no parents. I am beyon frightened. Nothing makes me happy even my babies, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and die. I see no future for me, don't believe I am worthy of love and will only ruin anyone's love for me anyway due to my anger. It comes on so quick it's like I've been hit with a sledgehammer , I then only think about death. I am so desperate. My mental health team ironically have discharged me , my paranoid mind says it's because they don't think any things wrong. I then spend a lot of time rumitising on his crap they are and if they can't help them what's the point. The only meds that help is Diazapem but I can only be given small amounts and the pychiayrist has not suggested anything else😢 I would take any thing to help but they won't offer anything , I though t mood stabilisers may work, suggested it to doctor but got no comeback . Everyone who knows me thinks I'm this very happy lovely spiritual person, because that's what I must portray to them , but my immediate family think I'm a psycho basically so I just don't see the point in living anymore 

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  • Posted

    Hi kittyb76

    We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologies for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

    If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The Samaritans offer a safe space where you can talk openly about what you are going through. They can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen.

    Their contact details are on our patient information leaflet here: https://patient.info/health/dealing-with-suicidal-thoughts, which also offers lots of other advice on how you can access the help you may need.

    If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to the team at the Samaritans (or the other people detailed in our leaflet) who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

    Kindest regards


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  • Posted

    Hi Kitty

    Your mental health team will help you.  They are not there to split families up they will do all they can to keep you together.  It is important that you share how you are feeling and get the help and support you need for all of your sakes.

    Stay strong and good luck

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  • Posted

    Hi Kitty,

    I'm so sorry you are going through this, please don't give up. Things will get better, it may not feel like it, but it will and someday you will be smiling and laughing again. I was in the same boat, I too suffer from BPD, had crazy mood swings, crying, yelling at people, I felt I was losing my mind. Several hospitalizations. I did not have the greatest Psychiatrists or therapists, so I kept searching until I found one. Keep searching. You will find the right Psychiatrist and therapist with therapy and compassion. I was put on Topamax for my BPD, it is for emotion regulation. Since then, I feel like a brand new person. No more yelling, self harming, suicidal thoughts. I would ask about this medication. It saved my life. I am also on Remeron for major depressive disorder, Wellbutrin XL 300, Busphar and Klonopin for anxiety and panic attacks. And Trazadone 50mg for sleep. There is hope, please keep posting.

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    • Posted

      Josephine thank you so much for your reply. I wrote this when I was at my worst but still feel lousy sad

      I have seen my doctor today and asked to try topamax , she agreed, but given I am highly sensitive to most medication she has given me a very small dose which I will try tonight. Thank you so much for your suggestion as I researched the drug and it seems to be really helpful for BPD sufferers.

      My condition as you well know can seriously affect everyone in the family so I am praying I will find the right medication for me.

      Unfortunately my husband is very angry at the moment as my impulsivity lead me to gamble and as a result I have relapsed as I gamble when stressed sad

      I have however been out today for the first time in a while , I saw a close friend and told her about my illness. I don't tell anyone really what goes on at home or in my mind so it's a win for today but now I'm fearful of the outcome of my gambling as husband won't speak to me. Thank you again for your kind words , it's really appreciated x

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  • Posted

    Hey kittyb76,

    I just realized that this was posted like five days ago but I'm going to respond anyway.

    I was diagnosed with BPD like eight or so months ago and have been seeing a therapist every other week or every week if I need. She has told me that there's so much going on with us that have BPD that there's no actual medication for it because anxiety meds and depression meds only target those things but not the whole of our illness. 

    I've been on and off of anti depressants since I was 14 and could never understand why my emotions were still enormous while I was on them, they would target my depression but all the other traits of my bpd would get even worse. 

    Things that can help with BPD are therapy and dialectical behavior therapy, they help you calm your storm, learn how to cope with your emotions and understand them, and teach present moment awareness. I'm starting individual dbt next month and am so excited.

    This is a hard thing to handle, always feeling angry and that gnawing empty feeling we seem to constantly have. I get you, girl and I hope you can find something to help you. 

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