BRAIN FOG, FIGHT OR FLIGHT, VISUAL SNOW, CONFUSION

I'm a very athletic, healthy 32year old male who's always had a clean bill of health. Almost 2 years ago my entire life was changed when, as best I've determined, my chronic stresses multiplied and turned to a trauma that I just couldn't handle. I spent 2 months excessively partying along with being attacked by a girl I was dating's ex-boyfrined, along with a terrible living situation where I was kept up all hours of the night, along with chronic poverty and feeling like my life was an hour glass with just a few grains left. (I'm a struggling actor in LA)

Certain symptoms started trickling in over a few week period until all the sudden, one day I looked around and realized my mind felt slower, foggier, and more jumbled than ever before. I then began to really evaluate myself and realized that my memory was terrible; I couldn't remember what days any events had happened (I.E. was it on Monday or Tuesday or the week before. What did I do on my 25th bday, or 26th? Was it 4 or 8 months ago I last visited home?)

Like probably many reading this, I began to read every forum about brain fog. At the same time, I realized my vision was impaired. There seemed to be a visual/translucent snow effect filtering my vision between me and whatever I was looking at, and I suddenly became aware of floaters in my eyes that I never paid attention to. I now saw halos around lights, had light sensitivity, and moving specs of light all over my peripheral vision, particularly while looking towards the sky or a clear surface. It seemed that my brain had shorted a circuit and now my vision and perception of reality had changed for the worse.

I felt disconnected from who I've always been. I now felt as if I was just observing the remains of my former life, instead of actually living life in the moment. I would look at my hands and feel disconnected. Things no longer felt real, it was like a terrible dream I couldn't wake up from. The fight-or-flight mode which is usually triggered by an immediate threat, I was now living in from the moment I'd wake up until the moment I'd go to sleep. I felt more aware of everything around me in a paranoid way, similar to what I imagine PTSD is like. Suddenly the world that I used to see as an overall happy place, now seemed threatening and dark. I've always been abnormally optimistic and positive, but people and society just seemed ominous and scary. Loud sounds bothered me and I couldn't help but be aware of conversations around me, particularly at a restaurant. Walking into a grocery store or athletic gym, it instantly got worse. I felt zoned out and I'd then get anxiety symptoms like flushing in my face and just wanting to leave wherever I was immediately.

I also now had racing thoughts in my mind that would run from the moment I woke up until the moment I fell asleep. I would over-analyze everything. My mind ran fearful scenarios and ran all of my symptoms and changes over and over to the point where I couldn't even focus on a conversation because I was more focused on my inner critic who never shut up. I'd wonder if I seemed weird to other people and if they could tell I was "off". I'd even get paranoid and think what if something traumatic happened to me but no one told me (insane, I know!) But this was now my life. I couldn't focus during a conversation, I was too focused on trying to not look weird and I couldn't focus, I'd feel I was eye locked or zoned out, so I'd look around to break my stare. Also the God I've believed in and had a relationship my whole life with now felt distant or even non-existent. I questioned everything. I was never suicidal but I would pray that I either be healed or get eaten by a shark on my next surf session. I would also get paranoid that what if I would do something drastic, sorta like what if I would jump off a huge building. I would reason it out and realize I never would, but that was part of the paranoia that added to my inner chaos. Sometimes all I could do was curl up in bed and just mourn.

Like most forums I've read, I went to a PCP and did my basic blood work. I've had high cholesterol for years, but otherwise all seemed normal. I started seeing a great therapist who instantly diagnosed me with generalized anxiety but not depression. I started 150mg Wellbutrin XL which I have now been on for 9 months. I have noticed benefits, particularly the lows started to feel less low, but my mind still seems to not process at the highest rate that it used to, like there's just a slight layer not firing as it once did. I easily SEE STARS now whether doing a handstand or standing up in general. This rarely ever happened before. I also even tonight felt a dull tingling in the center of my head while rock-climbing because I had some adrenaline going from climbing and I think it triggered a very slight anxiety.

Everything felt dimmer than before and all I could do was hope and pray that the "lights would come back on" and things would look as they once did. I stopped drinking completely for 9 months and have barely drank in 2 years, minus a few special occasions. I haven't touched a recreational drug in 2 years, and never had minus that 2 month window. I became obsessed with self-help books, learning to get out of my thoughts and back into my body and heart. I would do hot yoga, and I began a meditation practice which I have now been doing for nearly 2 years. 

I've read many articles where everyone is so eager to vomit out all of their symptoms and tests they've done and doctors they've seen, because we all feel so desperate in dealing with this seemingly undiagnosable, untreatable suffering! But I want to now talk about THINGS I HAVE DONE THAT HAVE ABSOLUTELY, SUCCESSFULLY TREATED MYSELF:

1. Wellbutrin XL was a success! My lows aren't nearly as low, and I will probably go off of it in 3 months when I reach a full year.

2. Meditation has been such a saving grace to get me out of my thoughts and to remember how beautiful and precious the present moment is all around me. I feel so much more connected once again, and meditation's benefits continue to get greater and greater.

3. A therapist was one of my best investments and has helped immensely. It's important to have a sounding board I can trust, so I can just shut up my paranoid side, and focus on controllable aspects of life.

4. I worked a sales job for 1 year to get my finances a little more on track, and then it was a great decision to quit because the boss was extremely stress-driven and negative. I moved out of that crazy house just after my symptoms all started and I actively control my environments.

5. I take every opportunity I can to find peace and reconnect with myself. Whether turning off my music in the car, treating angry drivers like a game to see how quickly I can release any frustration or attachment to them. I take moments to deep breathe constantly throughout the day.

6. Getting back on a full-time workout routine has done wonders for me physically and more important, mentally! A lot of my confidence is back and I feel sharper and healthier inside and out. I didn't realize I was only working out about once a week during my chaos and I'm back to about 5-6 days a week! I had given up on myself and my dreams, and now I'm back baby! I see my value and I am proud to be me once again.

7. I started taking Adrenal Support just over the counter "Adrenal-T" because I believe all this past trauma has pretty much shot my adrenals.

I FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN!!!! PRAISE GOD!

I am in the best physical shape I've been in, in 2 years. I finally once again feel peace in my heart, and although I still have anxiety issues, I can have a peaceful resting state that was impossible for me, most of the last 2 years. My anxiety is SO much better than before! I used to not even be able to enjoy a meal publicly or pickup groceries, but I do all the time now without even thinking about it! My never-ending inner critic shuts up half-the-time now! I am much less in my head, and I have many conversations with people where I'm not even thinking about anything but the conversation. I still have my occasional sad day, where I focus on remaining symptoms or let anxiety get me frazzled, but most days I just feel an immense gratitude to my God who I now feel reconnected with and to myself who I am learning more and more how to love and put first, and I once again feel so hopeful about my future! Every day is a blessing, and when I start to feel overwhelmed and chaotic, I just know that I need to make time that evening to light a candle, meditate, read, pray, or even rest!

To anyone reading this, I hope this post has helped you feel less alone and shown that even though our doctors and MRI's and CT Scans all seem to be inconclusive, there are definite ways to take action to HEAL YOURSELF. I had never felt more alone and isolated in my life. I truly believe this immense inner suffering wasn't for nothing, and I now feel my perspective is even better and deeper and healthier than it was before all this started. I had a lot of insecurities and issues that I wasn't aware of or would overlook, and I believe I will shake my remaining symptoms and that my best days are ahead. Things like my visual snow are still there when I focus on them, but many times I can go most of the day without thinking about it. Wishing you all peace and love. What a life

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