Broken

hi. broken is the word of choice tonight. so i had a miscarriage on oct 1st of this year 2020.

Ive met the love of my life and was given an unfortunate situation. i dont know if its payback for me being a bad person in my earlier years, bad karma or if it was just meant to happen. i wish i could be two months pregnant right now happy w my baby growing everyday

i had my first period already since than and about to start my second one any day now.

so i guess that means i am NOT fertile like people said i could be. i even try taking pre natal vitamins to boost it but it doesnt help me get pregnant.

i can never tell what ovulating looks like for me.

i dont have money/health insurance to get checked so i dont even know if anything is wrong with me.

i know i shouldnt rush it but ive always wanted a baby. my cousin just got pregnant and they keep asking me when im next but little do they know i just lost mine. it super hurts.

i keep getting told the more i want it the more it wont come to me. i dont get why life works this way. i dont think im unhealthy which makes me mad at the world/life because i cant even be healthy to hold a baby. ive failed at this. at life ive let my boyfriend down. my poor baby that didnt make it im so sorry. i dont feel like im stressing but i know deep down im hurt still and that i just need go let time pass for me to possibly get pregnant.

let me start by saying i have never really been the type to go to church and nor have i been the best for my younger years mentally. but i changed over the past 1 1/2+ i dont go to church still but im not saying i dont believe i guess i just dont know how to. he does. i brought up god because im taking my time getting my feet wet learning. ive notcied god does bad things to good people and people who believe think its because he challenges you. but i dont see it that way. it makes me scared to become a good person.... hes a good person and why would god do something like this to him. and me.

im hurt and i cant talk to anyone because no one knows what i mean when i speak what i feel. so please if you can say something to make me feel like alive again & give me purpose and see the light i want to see. maybe pray for me. thank you love you for just commenting if you do. goodnight. ❤

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