Broken left humerus Surgery and Suck: Depression Help!

So where do I begin.  Maybe I should start with I am living in my own personal hell.  Many say keep positive thoughts and to look at all the amazing people that surround and support me.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for my family, friends, and husband but some days seem hopeless.  More days than others.  

It has been 64 days since I broke my humerus in 5 different places.  And about 61 days since a plate and pins has been surgically placed from my shoulder to my elbow.  It all started on Sept 13th.  I fell at one of my two jobs.  The scary part is the job I was working at, at  the time of my fall, I was working solo.  As soon as I fell and heard that pop, I laid there screaming for help.  Of course no one heard me so I mustered up enough courage to get up, in shock and hold my left arm in place with my right hand. I then called security telling them I am almost positive I broke my arm and to call an ambulance.  Lets just say I was lucky to not have  knocked myself out, because who knows when they would have founnd me.  I count my blessings that I am alive.

Anyway the ambulance rushed me to the hospital where they cut off my sweatshirt and took x-rays.  The whole situation felt surreal, like a nightmare.  They soon after told me I had a spiral/oblique fracture to my distal humerus. The ortho PA on duty splinted me and told me to call the ortho that Monday for an appointment that Thursday.  Unfortunately that Saturday night  was a nightmare.  I could literally feel my bone moving around and pain killers weren’t cutting it.  My husband rushed me to an even closer ER the next morning.  I had more x’rays done at the ER and was replinted.  My husband even went out and bought a recliner since I couldn’t sleep anywhere else.  I was then sent to the ortho for Monday.  As soon as I entered the ortho on Monday I was set up for Surgery on Tuesday.  The amount of pain I went through from when I broke it, up to surgery was excruciating all day long.  So for the surgery I am grateful.

Did I ever tell you I never broke a bone in my life, nor did I ever go through surgery and anesthesia before. Going into surgery was probably the scariest moment of my life ever.  However I was out for the count in a matter of seconds.  While I was under my doctor found not one, not two, but five breaks coming off my spiral break.  This lead to the surgery to last 7 hours instead of 3 hours. A plate and several pins were placed from my shoulder to elbow.  

So you might be thinking well Lauren you had surgery and are no longer in excruciating pain every moment so whats wrong.  Firstly I still get pain, just different kind and did still take pain meds for it.  Also during the surgery the doc had to move over my radial nerve so I couldn’t move my fingers too well after the surgery.  I now have radial palsy meaning weakness in the radial nerve.  For the first 5 weeks I was in a splint with splint changes each week.  My fingers can move a little better now but my thumb is still completely numb. But lucky part is  my incision healed well; no infection etc.

This past couple of weeks have been one of the scariest.  My ortho introduced me to a physical therapist and he said I needed to start moving my arm or I would be stuck with a bent arm that can’t turn over forever and at the same time the doc saw updated x-rays and my bones haven’t fused yet or even started. He needs a cat scan by week 12.  Therefore the doc wants me to move my arm on my own using my good arm, but not too hard because he doesn’t want the plate coming out by accident and then he has to God forbid do another surgery.  He doesn’t want me doing physical therapy yet because he is afraid it be too rough and will pull out my plate and pins.  So definitely scares me when my doc wants me to wait for PT, move my arm on my own, and me now being afraid of it staying like this forever.

Basically I am in a make shift splint for the next two weeks.  It is a half splint with ace bandage around it.  Everynight my husband takes the splint off and I move my arm ever so slightly with my good arm. 

I miss work, and doing normal things with friends without being in pain or nausea.  I hate having people doing everything for me including me simple tasks of bathing and pulling my pants down to go to the bathroom.  It is embarrassing and dehumanizing.  I just want to get better sooner or just better at all.

Added stress I was taking too many percoset so I went cold turkey and went through all the withdrawal symptoms physically.  But mentally I am more depressed then ever.  I am so worried of never getting better, 

I am scared sh*tless and just wish I knew someone who experienced the same trauma so I don’t feel alone.  I am scared the feeling and movement won’t come back.  I can’t be like this forever.  I am already a mess, crying every moment.   

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